Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Concerned About Husband’s Behavior to Step-Daughter”

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #962957 Reply
    avatarSea Witch

    Holy Crap! Get your daughter out of there NOW!
    Consider the possibility that he’s already started grooming her. She’s wearing suggestive clothing at age 12. Is she getting that from media or from him?

    #962958 Reply

    How she dresses is *not relevant.*

    #962959 Reply

    Agree with @Kate. It’s not her fault that she has curves at age 12. She shouldn’t have to police her clothing.

    #962960 Reply

    It’s also totally normal for young girls to want to dress like older girls.

    #962961 Reply

    Could it be possible your husband is just seeking out taboo porn and has no interest in the actual teenage stepdaughter he’s raised from toddlerhood? Possibly.

    But you shouldn’t take that chance.

    Your first responsibility is to your child and keeping her safe.

    Even if you’re 99.99% certain he’s not lusting after your child, the amount of damage that she woul endure the 0.01% you are wrong is so great it’s not worth taking that chance.

    #962962 Reply

    Acceptable risk is not applicable here. It is possible he’s been grooming her OR WORSE for years.

    #962964 Reply

    “… we’ve had our issues with porn and cam girls. Ive worked through it with my therapist…”

    WE’VE had issues!?!? No, HE has issues with shady behavior (cam girls!? for real!? your husband?). YOU worked through HIS issues!? WTF? You need a new therapist, STAT. You don’t trust him because he’s not trustworthy.

    Stay where you are with your child and kick HIM out.

    #962975 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    LW I know you’re probably reading all of these responses and feel like everybody is overreacting and freaking out for no reason “because you KNOW your husband and this can’t really be as serious as we’re all making it out to be.” But it is. It is that serious.

    Some of us have been victims, some of us have known victims, and some of us work with victims. Situations like this are one of the many ways that children become victims. A parent or other adult has a funny/uncomfortable/weird feeling and……they ignore it. They tell themselves that they’re overreacting or being paranoid or not giving someone a chance. Unfortunately, they’re always wrong. Always. Don’t ignore this feeling. For your daughter’s sake don’t accept his excuses and explanations about how and why you’re wrong. Just leave. Pack your bags or change the locks but either way leave.

    I promise you that your husband will blame you, he will deny everything, he’ll tell you that it’s harmless, that he was just curious, that he “accidently” stumbled across those videos, that you’ll ruin his life, your life and your daughter’s life by leaving. When he tells you those lies, AND THEY ARE LIES. Please remember all of the people on this site who believe you and know that something is wrong. Don’t let him pull you back in. Don’t let him rape your daughter.

    #962982 Reply

    Something is up here. Is it possible this could be more or less innocent or a misunderstanding? Sure. A lot of pornography is labeled in a taboo fashion because it does attract attention and generates clicks, even if the taboo isn’t being focused on. But it’s also possible he’s grooming, or preparing to groom. It’s a big gamble.

    The thing I see getting overlooked is that it’s not hard to hide your browsing history, and he knows you have issues in the past with his pornography viewing. That leads me to believe he’s intentionally leaving it for you to find because he doesn’t care about you, and he’s doing it to make you even more insecure. At best he’s a careless oaf. At worst he’s a malicious controller.

    You know in your gut that something is up. Trust it.

    #962999 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen

    I’m so sorry you are going through such an ordeal. I cannot imagine the pain, confusion, fear and anger you must be feeling right now. What an awful situation.

    The title of your letter is ‘concerned about husbands behaviour to step daughter’. Has there been any behaviour, any comments, any looks, any body language from him directed towards her that made you uncomfortable? It doesn’t have to be anything brazen or even completely obvious, just enough for you to squint a bit before pushing it to the back of your mind and telling yourself you are paranoid. If so, do what you know in your heart needs to be done and get him as far away from you and your daughter as possible.

    I don’t judge people for their sexual preferences, kinks, fetishes etc. That’s an extremely personal and intimate element to anyones life. The problem arises when someone (in particular a child) is at risk, which unfortunately your daughter now is. The issues in your marriage seem to have circulated his sexual behaviour and inability to express himself decently, with propriety and faithfully to you. I’m going to make an educated guess and say your husband has been repeatedly proven to be dishonest?

    Your husband is currently the poster boy for red flags when it comes to sexual abuse risk factors towards your child.

    As others have stated, it really doesn’t sound like you worked through anything in therapy, else why are you looking through his search histories etc? That’s not a slant on you – I am so glad you have, but it is still apparent there are trust issues there and rightly so. That is not a marriage. Nobody should have to be monitoring their spouses sexual consumption.

    I cannot say whether he ever would hurt your daughter or not. Regardless, it is not worth the risk. And if you don’t do something now to eliminate that risk, you will never forgive yourself – and likely your daughter might struggle to forgive you if something did happen and she later comes to realise you knew of all these red flags prior.

    I know it’s scary, but be brave for your daughter. Be her hero before she needs one.

    #963000 Reply

    Andrea said it better than I could. I rarely have issues with porn or kinks, as long as they don’t negatively impact life. But NOTHING is more important than protecting kids, and right now, protecting yours. Do not ignore this.

    #963002 Reply
    avatarSea Witch

    No, but sexual behaviour at a very young age can sometimes be a red flag for grooming, and clothing can be part of that.

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