Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Confused about my boyfriends behaviour in our relationship

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Confused about my boyfriends behaviour in our relationship

This topic contains 28 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hazel 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 29 total)
  • Author
  • #843712 Reply

    I am very confused about something that happened recently in my relationship. I would appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. Thanks.
    So, I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years. Recently we had an argument as there have been issues for a while as we don’t spend a lot of time together (he works nights and we don’t live together) which doesn’t help. The argument was pretty bad and out of nowhere he starts sobbing saying he’s sick of arguing and scared I’m going to leave him. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.
    Fast forward a week. He came over the other night as a surprise saying work doesn’t need him tonight and he wanted to see me. I was surprised as wasn’t expecting him, however, was happy to see him. Once in my flat, I told him I needed to get in the shower as had been working earlier and was sweaty. He then asked if he could join me and I said no. He knows I don’t like it and has always respected this in the past. I then got in the shower and closed the door fully. After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said. I didn’t say anything more and just went along with it.
    After us both getting out of the shower we got in bed, we started to make out and had sex (me on top) and he came. After lying down cuddling for a bit he suddenly starts tickling me really hard and when I said stop it and was trying to push him off cause it hurt. He just started to laugh at me and carried on. Next thing he gets on top of me and forces my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing and then say no, as we’ve just had sex. He just said no (in a daft voice) and then pushes inside of me and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not the sex) and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.
    I am confused about this incident as we have only ever had gentle sex in the past and he has always stopped when I have told him not to do things. I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.

    #843715 Reply

    I wouldn’t continue being in a relationship with someone who couldn’t take no for an answer or who thought what they wanted to do was more important than what I wanted.

    I don’t really see how someone could have a healthy sexual relationship with a person who is not willing to respect another person’s boundaries regarding their body.

    Personally, I’d probably break up. If you are hesitant, then I’d say to have a serious talk (not in the moment) and explain your issues with what he did and only continue if he sincerely apologizes, understands, and commits to not doing this in the future.

    #843717 Reply

    Jesus this was a tough read. At best, your boyfriend is an inconsiderate asshole. He’s really shown here that he doesn’t care about your feelings and feels entitled to you and your body.

    “Because I’m a man and I can”. God, that’s so fucking insulting. That’s some deep rape culture nonsense here.

    This is definitely worth dumping someone over. If you don’t dump him, you gotta at least kick his ass on the matter and not let this go until he understand what a violation that whole night was.

    I need a shower after this…

    #843718 Reply

    Okay… As much as I often love to play devil’s advocate here, I can offer up no good or vaguely solid explanation for what your boyfriend did other than he is one rapey creep. Gag. Vomit. Wretch. Barf. Your whole letter had me just going… ick. He seriously sounds like an asshole. Maybe worse. Much, much worse.

    #843719 Reply

    PS — Yeah, that line bloodymediocrity called out is simply vile.

    #843720 Reply

    If you’re not just a troll posting graphic rape vignettes for funsies, then you need to make your on-and-off psycho rapist boyfriend your permanently-off ex-boyfriend. Yesterday. You’re not safe with him. Tell him you’re done, block him everywhere, change your locks, stay with a friend if you need to.

    #843721 Reply

    “Because I’m the man and I can?”

    I would have thrown the disgusting scumbag out in the street, naked. And then thrown his clothes after him. Maybe.

    He assaulted you after you said no. He physically restrained you and forced himself on you. He hurt you, and wouldn’t stop when you told him he was hurting you and asked him to stop. I think that could reasonably be classified as rape, or at least assault.

    Just because he’s your boyfriend and you’ve had consensual sex in the past does not mean he’s entitled to your body any time and any way he wants it.

    To me, this would be unforgivable, and I wouldn’t even grant him the courtesy of a phone call to break up. He’d get one text saying I was done, and that he should never contact me again.

    #843722 Reply

    It was rape. And his words and actions are absolutely disgusting. Your only option is to end this. I would strongly suggest calling whatever your country’s equivalent of the RAINN hotline is, and talk to a counselor on the phone to get advice on how to handle the breakup.

    Even before this, look, you were on and off for 4 years and barely saw each other. It wasn’t a great relationship. And this is now a deal-breaker. He’s a piece of shit, sorry. This type of thing isn’t a one-off that a good guy would ever do.

    #843723 Reply

    So, if your best friend told you this story, what would you tell her?
    It sounds like he is on the edge of becoming violent.
    How many times did you tell him NO; and he either didn’t listen to you or laughed at you. Then he started tickling you and you said STOP – but he just laughed at you and carried on?
    Then he FORCES you to have sex again after you told him NO; and not just sex, but rough forcible sex. Then says after he is all done – you didn’t really want that did you? Not sure what his 1st clue was (or if he really has a clue). And that statement “Because I am the man & I can” is just pure shit!
    Now, because you are the woman you can decide to dump his ass and buy a can of pepper spray for your key chain, change all your internet and banking passwords and block him on your cell phone and social media sites. AND, if your lease is up soon – move and forward your mail to a PO Box.
    This should be done with your head held high and quickly!

    The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

    Good luck

    #843724 Reply

    Everyone has already said what you need to do. Ugh, he’s disgusting. He raped you. And then he made a point to tell you he knew exactly what he had just done. Please listen to the great advice above.

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault. Please take care of yourself and be safe. Ask a friend to stay with you for a few nights. Change the locks.

    #843732 Reply

    Jesus, you were raped.

    Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) immediately. BEFORE you break up with him, get counseling on how to do it, because he will manipulate the crap out of you to try to stay (the crying, for example, which was total manipulation). Stay far, far away from this dangerous person.

    Then get counseling on how to recognize dangerous people in your life.

    #843733 Reply

    This was so hard to read. I’m so sorry he violated you like that. It was not your fault. This man is very dangerous, he raped you. Please, please get yourself away from him. Dump him immediately and block all forms of communication. I second the suggestion to reach out to whatever organization in your country is similiar to RAINN. A trained counselor can also help you navigate your way through this trauma. Again, this is not your fault.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 29 total)
Reply To: Confused about my boyfriends behaviour in our relationship
Your information: