Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Confused and hurt.

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  • This topic has 16 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by avatarFYI.
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  • #962401 Reply

    Recently my husband and I have been going through a rough patch. I earlier this summer found him messaging other women non-explicitly; saying things such as I could kiss you , or how he could ride his Harley over to see this other woman. Both of these messages were to two different women. I’ve confronted him and asked him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed. He was remorseful and begging me to not leave. So I stayed thinking it wasn’t going to happen again. My husband has always told me without trust there is no love , without honesty there is us. Recently we got into a big fight, I said things I regret however I took some time away and during this time away I found out he sent pictures of his “hammer” to my wedding photographer. I confronted him about it and his initial excuse was he did remember sending it, he later than blamed it on his steroid use. I later that day found out he unblocked the woman he sent the pictures too ( I remember him telling me he blocked her cuz she was posting weird stuff on fb) and confronted her about why she would start trouble and mention it to anyone for that fact. Now we’re on a separation for A complete other reason. I’m just scared, we reconcile and go through counseling, I’m scared I may never be able trust him again. I don’t want to be that wife that always questions what he’s doing or where he is going. Help!

    #962408 Reply

    Your husband cheats on you, abuses steroids, and you’re separated for a different reason you don’t even tell us about. Stay separated for now. Don’t have any contact with him, or at least minimal, and see if you don’t like life better without him. Its has to be less stressful. Less chaotic. If its in the budget see a therapist. It can help you gain clarity

    #962411 Reply

    Divorce. Seriously. Your marriage is a shit show. You don’t trust him, and for excellent reason. Cheat, lie, cheat, lie… on and on, is the sort of marriage you want to be in? When your only tool is a ‘hammer’, every woman looks like a nail.

    #962426 Reply

    So he harrassed a woman with nudes pictures and “confronted” her because “she said weird stuff” (about him) on facebook?
    Well, I would be done after that. Not only you are married to a cheater and an addict, but also an abuser. Run, run!
    Of course, you won’t be able to trust him. Who would? Do you want to spend more time acting as a detective on your husband and feel more humiliated?
    What is holding you in the marriage? Denial? Fear of failure or the unknown?
    Use the counseling to end properly and decently your marriage. You are separated, so achieve the divorce. You will feel empowered. Sad, but relieved.

    #962428 Reply

    Just file. This is not going to get better. If you get back together you are just giving him permission to do this nonsense all over again. Steroids made him do it. Oh please.

    #962446 Reply

    Get out of this marriage. This pattern will continue until you leave.

    #962451 Reply

    I’m certain leaving is proper thing to do, however my heart tells me to try and I keep playing on the thought that maybe he’ll change and maybe just for now he wants space.

    #962453 Reply

    They NEVER change. Just like LW’s never listen.

    #962454 Reply

    BGM is right. Is there any evidence that he has any desire to change? Is he worth keeping around? He…doesn’t sound great. In fact, he sounds really awful. There are other men out there who don’t behave like garbage. What would make you want to stay?

    #962459 Reply

    That is your fear talking. Fear that you can’t find anyone better. At some level, you know that isn’t true, but his behavior has damaged your sense of self worth. He’s done his best to convince him that you can’t do better than him, but you can. And yes, he is extremely unlikely to change. Every time you forgive the cheating and lying and try to start anew — you just convince him even more that he can get away with what he’s doing and doesn’t need to change.

    He wants space means he’s out with other women. He sees that as his right, even when you’re with him, and sees you as a nag.

    #962462 Reply

    Lots of times the feedback is along the lines of — “he (or she) is a jerk, get away from that person,” etc.

    But 99.9% of the time, it’s the LW who is also responsible. The LW in this case is responsible for STAYING and for lying to herself. The LW is completely and totally abdicating all responsibility for her own choices. It’s easy to say — “divorce, move on, he’s an ass,” etc, but the next guy will be EXACTLY the same or worse until the LW starts doing the work of figuring out why she makes shitty, shitty choices. Almost all LWs don’t look at THEMSELVES at all. LW, you need to start asking yourself, “why am I so desperate that I am staying with a lying cheater?”

    Therapy, LW. Or at least a self-help book.

    #962464 Reply

    You gave him a lot of chances, all that did was reinforce that he can do whatever he feels like and you’ll keep giving him chances.

    The only way to make this change is to walk away from it (did you notice I didn’t say that you could change him, only the situation in that you are removing yourself from it.)

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