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Dear Wendy

Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation

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  • This topic has 89 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Leslie Joan.
Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 90 total)
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  • #722628 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    My thought is that the two of you are incapable of working through your issues. You both probably want the other to keep initiating. You both are playing games which means you are both too immature for a relationship. Neither of you is good at talking through a situation to improve it.

    No relationship should be this hard. Being this hard shows you it isn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean it is easy to break up and move on. We know that it isn’t easy. You need to move on. This relationship has failed. It is over. You need to suck it up and get the hard part over with by cutting all contact and keeping yourself occupied so you don’t keep dwelling on your ex. You need to reach the point where she isn’t your first thought of the day and the last thought of the day. You need to reach the point where you can get through the day without thinking about her.

    #722632 Reply
    Essie
    Participant

    The biggest mistake most people make with relationships is that they spend years trying to force a bad relationship to work. Which is exactly what you’re doing. As Skyblossom said, it’s not supposed to be this hard. It’s a sign that something’s seriously wrong when it is this hard. A good, healthy relationship with the right person ISN’T this hard.

    Dating isn’t about finding someone when you’re in your teens and then struggling to make it work, year after year. It’s about going out with a whole bunch of different people until you understand what you really want (and don’t want) in a partner, and then finding someone who’s a good match for you.

    Don’t fall for that nonsense about “fighting for your love,” or thinking that constant fighting and breaking up and getting back together means you’re “passionate.” That’s teen movie stuff. In real adult life, those are bad relationships, and they do nothing but bring you pain.

    Just end this thing. It’s not working. It’s not going to work, no matter how long you keep playing silly social media games with each other.

    #722635 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Dude, you’re causing my desk to be filled with head shaped indentations. Your interactions with her are toxic and dysfunctional and a waste of your time. Cut off contact and find someone new to date. Listen to what everyone on the advice site that you came to voluntarily is advising you to do.

    #722637 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m sorry, Chance, but this is not going anywhere. It’s been a month since you spoke about what went wrong in the relationship. It’s now been 3 weeks since you even texted.

    In a situation where two people want to be together – whether or not it’s a good idea to try again, which it more often isn’t – they kind of naturally move back into dating after a conversation like that. Like, let’s take it day by day and give this another shot. You two aren’t even talking. Whatever connection you feel you have isn’t strong enough to even keep you two in contact beyond a brief exchange of what sound like very superficial messages.

    She got the regret she wanted from you. She got the heart to heart and the desire you expressed to fix things, the interest she wanted to hear in trying again. But she’s not really interested in trying again. She wanted you to see her new hair and her life because she’s proud of it and likes knowing you saw. But she doesn’t want to get back into a relationship *and neither do you.*

    If you really think you do, then for shits sake, be the bigger person and ask her how she’s doing. And that will probably result in another superficial exchange and then more silence. Because you two are not happening.

    #722645 Reply
    Chance
    Guest

    She did want to get back to talking and reconnecting after our heart to heart. We had 3 conversations and then I didn’t know whether I should have contacted or not. I didn’t for 3 weeks and called her. She wanted to talk and I blew it. I didn’t know what to do and I blew the chance. Now she is angry and says that she can’t see her giving another chance to someone who hurt her so much. She told me to take my change to the next girl. She doesn’t believe I’ve changed. 20 days ago she wanted to make it work slowly. Now nothing? Is this out of anger?

    #722646 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    It’s because neither of you really want to, and it’s just drama and superficial nonsense.

    Seriously, tell yourself you learned a lot from this, will do better next time, she’s a drama whore anyway, and move along.

    #722647 Reply
    Leslie Joan
    Guest

    Chance, FFS, reread what we all told you earlier in this thread. We told you that she’s into creating drama on social media to punish you, and lo! That’s exactly what she’s done – and is still doing. We aren’t surprised in the least. And you don’t really honestly even miss her. You miss the innocent good times that you had, and you miss her idolizing you, even though it came at an enormous cost to you that made you feel stifled. And you miss the idea of being lonely.

    Breakups are hard. Doesn’t mean they aren’t for the best, in the end. This was a far more toxic relationship than you realized. We realize it, but we’re older and this isn’t our first relationship. Years later you will understand, once you get over this and find the right person for you, and you will realize how much easier it is.

    #722648 Reply
    Leslie Joan
    Guest

    Miss the idea of *not* being lonely, oops.

    #722649 Reply
    Leslie Joan
    Guest

    Everything she’s been doing is out of anger. All those pissy, complaining social media posts? Anger. What she’s doing now? Anger. I told you she’d never let you hear the end of it. And that’s exactly what you’re seeing. No matter what you might have done, it would never be enough. All as we predicted. You aren’t getting it. There’s nothing more we can say to get the message across to you.

    #722650 Reply

    Jesus dude if you really wanted to be with her you wouldn’t have sat around for three weeks with your thumb up your ass not calling her. Move on.

    #722753 Reply
    Chance
    Guest

    So you ladies have been so helpful. Trust me, through this whole thing I think the ultimate downfall has really embedded in my mind that we would not have worked again. There are too many ill memories on her side. So say I continued to communicate friendly with her when she wanted that to reconnect and maybe see where it goes. My y question is… would her resentment have came out sooner or later. If we had gotten back together I feel I would have been watched like a hawk and the first indication of me relapsing would be the final straw. Is this what you guys feel too?

    Yes, I have learned a lesson. And the hard way I had to learn it. I know now how to treat a woman with care and it sucks I had to learn it through trial and error. It still hurts that I did not get the chance to try to demonstrate my acknowledgement of my actions. It’s okay though, I know I’ll be okay.

    I just want to know if I’ll always be looked at as the man who ruined her. For every 1 bad memory she has I could bounce back with 5 great times even on that same day. She’s flooded with ill feelings towards me and it feels awful. Would we have never been able to work? I know it’s over. I’m not pursuing anymore. But would her resentment and my past actions ultimately lead us to fail again and fail harder?

    #722757 Reply

    It doesn’t matter.

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