This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by K4 2 months ago.
January 12, 2018 at 10:55 am #735687
Just wondering what’s wrong with me in all honesty, whether this is some kind of disorder or if I’m just weird!
I’m 24 but I look about 17 (blonde, make up, go to the gym ect – I realise how shallow this all sounds but I’m just trying to get the best advice I can!)
Although I don’t like being the centre of attention I find myself looking for clarification in men! Men I’m not even interested in but the slightest hint that I think they fancy me and I turn into the ‘innocent, flirty, doe eyed’ weirdo. Even my tutors at university! And annoyingly it works! I’m in no means a slut, I’ve never acted beyond getting this acknowledgement and only ever had 2 serious long term relationships ( I’d never cheat in my life but I still look for this male attention no matter where I am!)
I consider a day where a guy hasn’t ‘checked Mr out’ whether at work, university or just a normal day to be a failure.
What’s wrong with me?? I don’t have ‘daddy issues’, I don’t dress provocatively and I don’t go out every weekend looking for guys!
I just can’t stop my mind.January 12, 2018 at 11:23 am #735690
I think you need to see a healthcare professional about it. Something in your life has caused you to think your value comes from male attention. Daddy issues? Low self esteem? Either way, the last thing you need to do is try to hook a man or work for their attention. I would make a list of goals and activities you like to do instead and go after them. I did that for a different reason six years ago (after a divorce I felt like I had failed myself and wasted part of my life): I went on a vacation alone, began singing in a band and went after a challenging new position at my job. With each accomplishment I felt better, smarter and EMPOWERED! And, even though I hadnt sought out attention from men, when I was ready to get back in the dating game, I was so sure of my worth and awesomeness that I was unwilling to settle for anything less than the best. I think doing something like this reroutes your brain. Our brains get caught in patterns: positive or negative. Once it gets in a pattern it is hard to reverse but not impossible. You just have to MAKE yourself reroute those bad thought patterns. Good luck!January 12, 2018 at 2:21 pm #735729
How K4 Got Her Groove Back. I love it.January 12, 2018 at 4:50 pm #735801
I think K4 is onto something with the empowerment – Alice, do you enjoy the male attention because it gives you a feeling of power over these men? Or because if a man approves of you(r looks) that means you’re more valuable than if one doesn’t? Either way, you need to understand – and truly believe – that 1) empowerment comes from within and 2) you have inherent value as a human being with or without male approval. Therapy wouldn’t hurt. Activities that make you feel strong, smart, and powerful as K4 outlines would be great, too.January 12, 2018 at 6:25 pm #735811
I would agree about seeing counselor. It sounds like, for whatever reason, you have determined that being someone who gets male attention is a part of your core being. It’s who you are (according to you). The act of basing your value/identity on one thing, and one that’s external, isn’t unusual, even if maybe your particular version might be. A person who bases their entire identity on being a smart kid who wants to be a doctor is going to have a lot of discomfort if they can’t get into med school. Someone who bases their identity on being someone’s spouse is going to have a much harder time handling a divorce, or an athlete who’s entire identity is based on their sport will be devastated if they get hurt. And in reality, as you get older, you’re going to get less attention.
Also, it’s inaccurate that you can’t stop your mind. No, you can’t totally stop your thoughts, but you can be aware of your thoughts and if you find yourself thinking about whether someone is looking at you or whatever, you can decide to think about something else — anything, make a grocery list, pull out a book to read, think about what you’re doing this weekend, whatever.
But a therapist is a much better person to talk to about why you feel this way and how you can shift your attention to things other than flirting and men looking at you.January 12, 2018 at 6:48 pm #735814
Thanks for the advice K4, I’ll take what you said in board for sure!
And Fannybrice I get no kick about any sort of ‘power’ over men, quite the opposite, as if they’d ‘take me under their wing’s if that makes sense? Like a (uni) student-tutor relationship has always appealed to me?
I’ve only really sat and thought about this properly today so I’m sorry if my posts are as confused as I feel!
Thank you guys for your advice 🙂January 13, 2018 at 11:18 am #735844
If you are at uni can you see a counselor on campus? If so I’d do that.
In the meantime try to find validation in other ways. When you think about whether any man fancied you ask yourself what you’ve done well today or ask yourself what you’ve done that is kind or what you have done that was of benefit to someone else. Find validation in the way you act, in the way you treat people and in the way you accomplish things. Try to do things day in and day out that bring value to your life and to the lives of others.January 15, 2018 at 12:49 pm #735957
You know it, Ruby!
Thanks. That made me smile. =)January 15, 2018 at 12:50 pm #735958
Get it girl! Be fabulous!