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Covid 19 and relationship trust issues

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  • #878253 Reply
    avatarChristina
    Guest

    Dating my boyfriend about 1 ½ years. For the most part we have a good relationship. We have both been cheated on in our previous relationships (My x cheated on me with his xgf). We both have trust issues; where as I am vocal of mine and he is quiet. He has a special needs child that is very difficult. His child likes me but his xwife who cheated on him has tried in the past to ruin his relationships through his child. We go to therapy every other week (he goes once a week). I also have a hard time forgiving people.

    We had two issues in our relationship that were very hurtful for me. Due to my past these issues may appear minuet to others but was major for me.

    Issue #1: After dating three months, both of our exes tried to reach out; not taking “no” for an answer. We discussed this. I told Boyfriend that ex was reaching out trying to get back together. I said to boyfriend, “Ex has started reaching out, asking to get back together, I told him I was dating someone and I was not interested. He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and continued to reach out and I blocked him.”

    Boyfriend said to me, “If that is your way to tell me to block ex-girlfriend I’m not doing it.”

    I broke up with him right there. He immediately regretted saying that and blocked her right then. We got through it and went to his counselor and I told him that I felt like he was putting her above me and cared more about her than me. He said his xw (Who cheated) always ordered him around and told him what to do and he felt defensive and I was TELLING him what to do.

    His therapist told me that he has been seeing her (The therapist) for a long time and that he always told her that he had no intention of getting back with her, they discussed how much she hurt him and how happy he was/has been since we began dating and how I am so much better/a better woman/relationship then her.

    Issue #2: After dating a year we decided to introduce the kids. We discussed the importance of no looking back as my kids were devastated after I dumped my cheating x. We discussed that once we do this, there is no going backwards (As his xw has ruined his relationship with the x mentioned in this post). We agreed no looking back. We introduced kids and things were going well, I felt I was finally forgiving him for the “no block’ comment.

    His xw began trying to meddle and instead of him standing up to her he stopped all hang outs with all kids and I, and started hiding us from his son. After months of arguing and almost ANOTHER BREAK UP, he admitted that his xw told his son we were going to get married, he was going to adopt my kids and he was going to forget about him (His son).

    We have been going to counseling to deal with this, the counselor is helping him get his son readjusted to me/my kids in his life (Through phone calls as we have not been doing hangouts as they are in a custody battle) and I felt that we were slowly getting back to the way it was. He has apologized profusely over and over and over again (Because I am still hurt and still bring it up).

    Now due to Covid-19 my hurt feelings are back as I don’t know where this world is going. I am a nurse and have to work, he is in computers/IT and was hired by the city to do emergency management and has to work 2 days/week and the rest at home. My XH has compromised health and is caring for his sick mom so it was decided that our teens stay with me. So, no more date nights as I want to be home with my kids as much as possible.

    Therapy is closed due to Covid-19. The pain and hurt over my two issues have overwhelmed me and we had the worst fight we have ever had. We get along well and have had arguments but were always able to get through it. How do I forgive and get over this?

    #878266 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You realize that what you interpret as great crimes on his part are just him desperately trying to maintain a connection with his child. What would you do if your ex’s actions were making it look like you were in danger of losing all contact with your kids — I know, hard to imagine since you likely have primary custody. You have not even suggested any hint of romantic interest between your bf and his ex. Focus on that. Why can’t you do therapy by phone?

    #878280 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    He is in a custody battle for his child!! You do understand that, don’t you? That should be his first priority. Not you. Not your children. I’m sorry you’re hurting and that you were cheated on. Don’t take that out on your boyfriend. He can’t help it that he’s in a messy batter with his ex-wife. If you love him and want a future with him, you should be more supportive. If you can’t, then you should break up with him and find someone with no children. It doesn’t sound like you can date someone who has to stay in touch with his ex.

    You should also seek therapy separately.

    #878286 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Yeah you don’t seem to be in a place to maintain a healthy relationship. You have “issues” (your term) that you need to settle before you can be a healthy partner to anyone. Much less someone with a very complicated life & permanent ties to his ex. Therapy can be done over the phone. You won’t let go of your “issues” till you realize that they are unreasonable. Everyone has been hurt & cheated on. Not everyone carrys that pain into new relationships.

    #878289 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I agree with the above. He has to be in contact with her and it’s ridiculous that you bring so much distrust to this relationship. Many, many people have had bad relationships with cheating or other issues. Most people do not carry that baggage into the next relationship and hold it above their new partners head.

    If you can’t trust someone who has to be in contact with their ex, don’t date guys with children.

    If you don’t love, TRUST and have the ability to support him in his custody battle, than you shouldn’t be dating him. Honestly, relationships take some work but they don’t usually take this much work.

    If you do break up, you need to see a therapist on your own and stop carrying over your trust issues to new relationships.

    How do you forgive him? For being in contact with the mother of his child? It sounds like you’re in contact with your ex, (as you should be,) so I am not sure how this is even an issue still.

    #878295 Reply
    avatarChristina
    Guest

    Hi,

    Thanks for the replies. My issue with contact was that of his ex girlfriend (that he has no ties with), not his ex-wife.

    The issue I had with the kids was the fact that he began siding the kids and I from his son without any discussion. I decided to break up as I wasn’t sure what was happening. We went to his therapist and that’s when I found out the reason months later. Had we discussed his fears or the situation I would have understood.

    The custody battle started after all of this. She gave him custody before I met him and now wants custody back.

    #878296 Reply
    avatarChristina
    Guest

    Hiding kids and I not siding

    #878298 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    So on top of all the trust issues, you have poor communication.

    Break up. Stay broken up. See a counselor for your issues that you haven’t gotten over yet.

    Or maybe you should just shelve all of this right now and focus on your health and wellbeing. You’re a nurse. Take care of yourself and your kids, stop worrying about the drama and treat yourself well. Maybe after the quarantine you can see a path forward, maybe not.

    #878301 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I like anonymousse’s advice. Take that!

    EDT. I mean, take that advice.

    #878308 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    1. You were “finally forgiving” him for a comment he made nine months earlier, after getting loads of reassurance on it (from him and the therapist)?
    2. He took appropriate action during a custody battle, and you are “still hurt and still bring it up.”
    3. He’s supposed to do … something? (not sure what) to reassure you even more during COVID, because … ? you are staying home with your kids?
    4. You’ve been dating 18 months, and you’re already in therapy together.

    To me it sounds like you’re bullying him into dealing with your massive insecurities. (And I’m not a person who ever uses the word “bullying.”) He’s supposed to prioritize you during a risky custody battle, he’s supposed to apologize over and over for doing nothing wrong, he’s supposed to read your mind about COVID while he’s doing emergency work, he’s supposed to hash all this out in therapy with you.

    The tone here is that it’s his fault for not properly addressing YOUR massive insecurity. You’re way, way out of line. Your feelings and your past trauma are not anyone else’s responsibility. It’s not his job to help you get over all of that. He wouldn’t be able to anyway.

    #878317 Reply
    avatarPDX816
    Guest

    Jeez – your relationship sounds exhausting. You need to break up with him and work through your shit. You are punishing him for things he did months ago, that is so messed up. You don’t trust him, you’ve broken up and your jealous. just stop it. Break up, continue with therapy and don’t date until you figure your shit out.

    #878325 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I’m confused. You’re angry because 9 months ago your boyfriend told you he wouldn’t cut off an ex…an ex he was up front with you had gotten back into contact with him, whose actions he has no control over, and who he in no way gave the impression he was interested in reuniting with. Also, he pulled away from you when his ex wife started telling his son things that really upset him. I.e he put his son first. Granted he should have communicated with you, but his intentions at heart were to protect his son and keep custody. You’re also angry that the health crisis prevents you from seeing each other regularly through no fault of his or yours. And you’re so angry about these things that you’re having blow up fights with him. I…what?

    Please get individual therapy. This isn’t healthy. You “get over this” by apologizing profusely to him, never, ever bringing this up with him again and working out your issues alone in counseling. Counseling you can and should seek via video or phone until you can go in person. Your anger here is not reasonable or justified. Treating a partner poorly because you’ve been treated poorly in the past is not ok. You sound controlling and unreasonable. If you dont trust your parent it’s time move on, not rake him over the coals for minor mistakes he made almost a year ago. And if him refusing to cut off an ex he had zero romantic contact with, or prioritizing his son in a way that didnt put you first, is so bad that you’re enraged over it months later, you need to take a break from dating all together for a good while and get yourself healthy before you date again.

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