July 27, 2018 at 1:56 pm #777560
I wrote in here about a month ago. The guy I am with went on a vacation with another woman and it turns out that this woman is sort of in love with him.
Throughout our time together I met some of his friends who seem to bring her up a lot and I’m assuming they told her about my existence because a few days later she sent him this long email professing her feelings towards him although my boyfriend says he made it very clear to her that he doesn’t see her more than just a friend. However it’s starting to bother me that he spends time with her and he says he was trying to be very cautious about her and I being in the same place because she might be bitchy towards me. I, on the other hand don’t see this as a simple friendship between two people, he has known her for a year and have gone on a few outings with coworkers and then she had her hidden agenda that didn’t work out. He told me that if ever she wasn’t going to be civil he doesn’t need her in his life but won’t lose a friend if he doesn’t have to. And I am not someone who would make him lose this “friend” just because I am not comfortable with the situation. And I am not comfortable because every time I’m at work or any time she wants to hang out he would go with her and I feel disrespected. So the reason I’m writing in is to shed some light from the exterior, maybe I’m being unreasonable here, and if not, how do I even start this discussion with him without making it a huge deal?
Thank youJuly 27, 2018 at 2:08 pm #777584
She’s his girlfriend.July 27, 2018 at 2:12 pm #777589
Yeah yeah, Be helpful not idiotic 🙂July 27, 2018 at 2:40 pm #777635
Even if this situation is exactly as you think, why would you want to hang around? It sounds like a bunch of drama about to happen. And stop trying to be the ‘cool girlfriend’, your boyfriend is going on vacations with a woman that he knows has a thing for him. Why?!?! Like he’s so concerned about sparing her feelings that he’s being totally disrespectful to your relationship, and you’re cool with that?
If anything, the moment he suspected that she wanted more than friendship he should have put that kibosh on that, and pulled back on hanging out with her.July 27, 2018 at 3:59 pm #777757
His behavior re their friendship is bizarre. He shouldn’t have to be “cautious” about you two meeting if he sees her simply as a friend. I’m sure he likes the attention that he gets from her which is why he won’t just nip this in the bud.
MOA, this relationship is a lot of unneeded emotional drama. Why do you want to be fighting for your bf’s attention? Realize you deserve better and move on.July 27, 2018 at 4:17 pm #777789
Yes, I remember your first post. You were at the very beginning of a relationship, right? There is a lot of confusion in your post. One doesn’t even know wether you are both exclusive or not? Is he really your boyfriend? Did you have this talk about the state of your relationship? If yes, well, he is not really your boyfriend, he doesn’t behave that way. He likes the attention, the “harem” effect of having two women in rivalry for him. Have a talk with him, enough is enough, you want her out of the picture, it makes you feel jealous, disrespected, not his girlfriend, and if he reacts in any other way than agreeing and acting on it, end it. Sometimes it happens at the beginning of a relationship, you have to expel the rivals, but it must be quick and definitive or you eject yourself out of the romance. Take it as a test for him: he is either an indecisive seducer who likes ambiguity (the end), or a boyfriend who can commit.July 27, 2018 at 4:57 pm #777850
You need to give him the ultimatum. Don’t give to much time to decide. How would he like it the situation was reversed? Have some self respect and stop letting him use you!July 27, 2018 at 5:16 pm #777875
Hold up. You’re not sure if this woman knows about you? And he’s hanging out with her a lot, solo, knowing she has strong feelings for him. And he keeps you away from her. And you’re exclusive with him, he’s definitely your boyfriend? Because at first you said “the guy I’m with.” Anyway, no, this is not cool. He basically has two girlfriends. Don’t let him get away with this nonsense. Tell him you’re not comfortable with him hanging out solo with a female friend who’s in love with him and who you can’t meet. You’re not into a relationship on those terms. And just bow out.July 27, 2018 at 6:37 pm #777999
Yeah, exactly what Kate said. Tell him you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who hides you from his “friends” and bow out.
How did his friends bring her up in conversation? What did they say?
All he’s told you is what you want to hear. There’s a reason he hasn’t introduced you and won’t…they’re probably more than friends.
I haven’t really ever heard or seen brand new (under a year old) friends go on a vacation together to a romantic beach destination. They are fuck buddies or in a relationship.July 27, 2018 at 6:41 pm #778005
My most educated guess is this: they were f-buddy co-workers. Whether they are or are not still hooking up, I don’t know, but I would assume they did on vacation. This is a mess.July 27, 2018 at 7:00 pm #778037
I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I do think you’re being deceived, or at least disrespected.
Just pulling a couple things out of your post: he “won’t lose a friend if he doesn’t have to,” but he won’t let you meet her because he’s afraid she’ll be bitchy towards you. He also said if she wasn’t going to be civil, then he doesn’t need her in his life. Umm…wouldn’t be being bitchy to his girlfriend count as not being civil? Why would he even feel drawn to friendship with her if he thinks she’s the kind of person who’d treat his girlfriend badly? Does he plan on keeping the two of you in his life, but carefully separate, indefinitely?
Here’s what I think is going on. He’s into you, but he’s also intrigued by her interest, and flattered, and he’s soaking up the adoration he’s getting from her. I mean, let’s be honest, that kind of attention can feel pretty good.
I think he’s either still deciding which one of you is the keeper, or he’s good with you for now, but wants to keep her on deck just in case it doesn’t work out with you.
I know you’re in a new relationship, but this is not how a guy who’s really into you would act. If he were, he’d be scared to death that having her hanging around would mess things up with you, and he’d be avoiding her like the plague. He sure as hell wouldn’t be going on vacation with her, because that would have sent a very high percentage of new girlfriends running for the hills.July 27, 2018 at 7:04 pm #778044
Or, yeah, they’re fuck buddies.
BTW, I see you doing that very common thing of trying to be the “cool girlfriend.” Your instincts are telling you something’s way off here, but you’re questioning your own (very legitimate) concerns, wondering if you’re being unreasonable.
Trust your gut.