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Craziness between my bf and 14 yr old son

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #737965 Reply
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    Canadagirl

    I will try to make this short n sweet. I am stressed to the max because of the tension between my 14 yr old son and my bf.
    Quick background, I’m 40, bf is almost 50… we’ve been living together approx 5 years. My 10 yr old son also lives here, and I have 2 older sons now out of the house.
    So the word tension doesn’t even cut it… it’s gotten to the point that they can’t even say 2 words to each other, or be in the same room, before it escalates into something huge.
    Yes, my son can be and often acts like a shithead. I try to deal with things on a case by case basis, and he gets grounded quite often for breaking curfew, talking back etc. On the other hand, yes I’m his mom, so of course I see the awesome side of him too.
    It feels like this has turned into the sole focus of my bfs day, every day. I feel like he lets it ruin his day because he remembers every single time he’s misbehaved and throws it all in his face.
    I’ve tried asking him if he can maybe look for the good qualities of my son and focus on that…. like deal with the crap, focus on the good… kind of thing. Doesn’t work. I’ve asked him to not engage in a fight that will go nowhere, but they both seem to have to have the last word.
    I realize that my son has a lot of anger issues towards his bio father, and am trying to take that into consideration.
    It seems that they hate each other and I can literally feel the change in the air when in the same room. 🙁
    It makes me so sad because it also changes the way that my bf treats me. Cold and distant.
    All I want is a peaceful happy household, where it’s not weird to hear laughter. But lately, it would def be super weird.
    I don’t know what to do.

    #737983 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    I think this is a fairly common problem, especially once your child reaches adolescence. They test the boundaries on normal families, so probably even more so in step parent situations and you boyfriend( & you) is the adult so it’s on him ( & you) to figure out how to adapt to deal with this. What’s currently happening isn’t working.

    Hmmm… I don’t have children so hopefully commenters who do will start in soon. But here a link to something that may set you thinking: https://goodmenproject.com/parenting/being-a-stepdad-3-things-that-will-absolutely-wreck-your-relationships-h2l/

    #737987 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I don’t think It’s healthy that your boyfriend feels the need to get the last word in and throw things in your son’s face. Like, who the hell does he think he Is? He’s not your son’s father or stepfather, he’s a boyfriend, that’s it. I think you need to be a lot more assertive. You’re the parent and it is your job to protect your son. Is some guy cataloging his faults really in your son’s best interest?

    #737997 Reply
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    ron

    LW —
    Sorry, but I think it’s time to MOA from your bf. This isn’t working for anyone. Your bf being perpetually angry with you son, including when they just enter the same room, without any actual interaction, is just not acceptable. Teenage boys, especially teen boys of divorce, can be frustratingly difficult, but your son doesn’t deserve a life-of-childhood sentence to life with a step-father figure who hates him. That just isn’t fair to your son and you aren’t being a good mother in maintaining this living arrangement.

    Also, if your bf takes his anger against your son out on you, by being cold and distant toward you, then he doesn’t seem to be much use to you and just drives up your tension level. Is it really worth all this hurt and drama just to get laid regularly?

    Your bf seems not emotionally equipped to be able to live with adolescent kids. You need to live separate from this (or hopefully a different) bf. Be a mother to your son. He has suffered a trauma with your divorce. Anger is not that unusual a reaction.

    #738002 Reply
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    MMR

    %100 agree with @ron.

    All teenagers can be shitheads. Grown men in father-figure positions cannot be.

    It also isn’t helping your son that he’s watching his mother being treated poorly by her partner. Do you want your sons to grown up and treat their SOs the way your bf is treating you now? Cold, distant and angry all the time?

    If you want a happy peaceful home for you and your kids, your bf has shown he doesn’t know how, or is unwilling to be part of it.

    #738021 Reply
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    K4

    People here are out of line, honey. First, 5 years of living together does not make him JUST your boyfriend. Here in Texas, that makes him your common law spouse. I am sure you didnt probably didnt just move in together right after meeting either and that you both have more history than just 5 years history and love each other very much. True, your spouse could be more mature but I am pretty sure if I continued to get grief from my stepdaughter everyday then I would probably not be the nicest most mature person at times either. And finally, the last thing you need to do right now is make your spouse leave. This is a test to your relationship, yes, but you both can face it and win. And your son will probably be moving out in a few years and/or move past this terrible teenage stage and grow up some.
    Right now you need family counseling. My mother and father blended families (after I moved out). He was a widower. The kids were tweens when they got together and all was well until the terrible teens began for one of his children. They didnt break up though. They went as a family to counseling and the therapist gave them what they needed to bring stability to the household: solidified them as a couple who didnt cave to the teenager, provided each family member language and tools to communicate better, provided them activities that promoted bonding. After a while the family was stronger than ever. My parents and the one teenager forged a very special bond too. I know you guys can do it. Good luck to you!

    #738027 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    I think it’s worth trying @K4’s suggestion. But…if your boyfriend refuses to go or goes but doesn’t take seriously or put the work in( you’ll notice within 3/4 months if he is trying to be better).Then dump him! Because your son is more important then a boyfriend who can’t & won’t communicate.

    #738034 Reply
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    Fyodor

    14 year old boys can be terrible. I agree that the BF is being an ass but all the people here telling you to kick him to the curb are being I think unfairly judgmental. I’d get to family counselling ASAP and see if you can fix the dynamic. It can’t continue to go on like this but I think it’s worth at least trying to repair or manage.

    #738040 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Sorry, live in or not, he is just a boyfriend. If they wanted to make it official they would have, they’ve had plenty of time.

    #738043 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Boy, some of you are seriously FUCKED in the head — the boyfriend clearly is a shithead, worse, an emotionally abusive ass! — but the LW should simply stick it out as, what? she’s been dumb for five years already?
    .
    Fuck that. Seriously, anybody who thinks this relationshit is worth saving needs to pause and reflect. Parents who put their own pathetic needs for a fuckstick (or fuckbox) above the wellbeing of their own children should have never bred in the first place.
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    LW. Clear out already. When he starts beating the 14 year old — will you rationalize that away, too? I’m sure K4 has great advice on how to do so being she’s from Texas and all…

    #738045 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Also — it is highly disturbing to me, LW, that this makes you sad… NOT because it hurts to see your son so woefully mistreated — oh no! Instead it hurts simply because your awful boyfriend is then awful to you as well.
    .
    B. O. O. H. O. O.
    .
    Hardly mother of the year material, are you?

    #738060 Reply
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    Howdywiley

    Whether my son was a “shithead” or not, I would never let anyone treat him the way you have described. Top priority is your kid, not your 50 year old ego driven emotionally abusive immature jerk of a live in boyfriend.

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