Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Crazy Wife, or Bad Husband?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Crazy Wife, or Bad Husband?

This topic contains 25 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Bacon Mistress 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 26 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #795533 Reply

    We have been together 9 years, married for 2, have the most beautifully amazing 3 year old daughter in the world, and moved to California (because of career) right after we got married. I joined the Marine Corps right before we got married and that gets us caught up there, for our entire relationship my wife and i have been good with only a few fights here an there, ever since i joined and we moved out here to Cali, my wife has become very violent towards me meaning, hitting, scratching, biting, throwing things, including glass objects. All of this directed singularly at myself. She says that the way she is acting is all my fault because I am not romantic, and I will call her a mean name every once in a while. To which I “Does that justify you hurting my the way you do?” Which only makes her even more angry because she knows she is wrong (she admit this to me) and then continues to hurt me further. This has been happening weekly for the past year and a half now. We have tried couples counselling which only made things worse because the counselor did not give a single care to us or our situation. I just need to know and get an outside perspective. My wife beats me, cuts me, makes me bleed, I just need a non biased opinion, is it really all my fault? Are my actions what trigger all of this? Are her actions of violence justified by my lack of romance and emotion? I love my wife and daughter, these are the two people I want to spend the rest of my life with, but one day I’m afraid I’m going to snap, one man can only take so much. I am not the easiest person in the world to deal with, but I don’t think i deserve this. I have never hit my wife in a violent manner, I always just take her hits and her words, knowing she is just pissed off and is blowing off steam, but sometimes, she really says stuff that crosses the line and my emotions need to be put back in check. Hell, I never even shout back at her unless she is really being bad. None of this has happened in front of our daughter thank goodness, but as she gets older she will start to understand more and more and pretty soon it wont matter if it doesn’t happen in front of her she will still know something is wrong.

    #795534 Reply

    She’s physically and emotionally abusive. Start documenting everything. Email yourself the documentation so that it’s date/time stamped. If it’s legal in California videotape her abuse. You are going to need evidence so that you can get full custody of your daughter. Talk to a lawyer about what you need to do to make sure that happens. You can’t leave a 3 year old in the care of a violent abuser. Right now you are your wife’s target. If you leave and your daughter is in your wife’s custody that could easily change. Nothing you do or don’t do justifies the violence and verbal abuse. Your wife’s actions are hers alone and you would be negligently foolish to believe that she wouldn’t turn her abuse to a vulnerable target like your daughter. Get a restraining order and a divorce ASAP.

    #795536 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This relationship sounds totally toxic and like it needs to end, unless there’s some way you can both get real help, probably both individual and couples therapy. And yes, her behavior is abusive and inexcusable, and it’s NEVER your fault if you’re being beaten.

    That said, you definitely don’t sound like a treat to live with. You want this to be either “she’s crazy” or “I’m bad.” And really just the former, right? You don’t think you’re a bad guy. So you want this to be about her being crazy. Fine, it is, so end it. You’re not willing to get help, you’re not willing to try to figure out what’s made her so angry and frustrated in the past year or two, you call her “mean names…” What the heck do you think is going to change under these circumstances? Talk to a lawyer. Document the abuse. Get a divorce. Get custody if you believe your wife is a danger to your child. But stop sitting there doing nothing but tossing off mean comments and letting her beat you.

    #795537 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It also sounds like you are saying you think you might snap and end up hurting her, and that if that happens, it would kind of be justified because a man can only take so much. If you see that happening, and you’re not willing to seek any help, *get out of this.* You don’t want to hurt her, you could be in a world of trouble if you did, and this is a terrible environment for your daughter.

    #795539 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Document everything. If your wife loses you as a target she will most likely turn on your daughter as her next target. Abusers tend to pick a target and if that target becomes unavailable they pick a new target. I think you can get advice through the military.

    I found this online about recording someone in California. You can have video but not audio if the recording is secret.

    t is legal to have a video-only recording of activities inside your home. … Under California law, it is potentially illegal if such a camera also records audio. It is not lawful to record an oral communication through use of a hidden camera or device if a person has not consented to it.Jan 31, 2017

    and the same here

    It is legal to have a video-only recording of activities inside your home. You are not required to let anyone know, nor does it matter if the camera is hidden. But that video must be utilized for a reasonable purpose. It cannot be an overt invasion of someone’s privacy. For example, we are all entitled to a reasonable expectation of privacy, such as when we are taking a shower.

    Under California law, it is potentially illegal if such a camera also records audio. It is not lawful to record an oral communication through use of a hidden camera or device if a person has not consented to it.

    #795540 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    What the others said. What concerns me is you saying you feel like you might snap. What does that mean? I hope that you follow the advice above before that happens, because whatever that means, I don’t think that’s good for anyone. Additionally, don’t assume that since she’s never hurt your daughter that she won’t or that the only thing your daughter has to worry about is seeing a bad example. I think it’s pretty clear that eventually, she will turn on your daughter. It’s not clear from your post, but I hope you intend on seeking full custody.

    #795544 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    It might be post-partum depression. it might be anger at you joining the Marines and moving your family to CA. Is this something which you decided and did or was it something which she agreed to in advance? The lot of the military wife is not an easy one and if you simply unilaterally imposed this upon her, then she has a very legitimate beef, which has snowballed. She does seem to have a mental health issue which requires diagnosis and treatment.

    #795550 Reply
    avatar
    JD

    He didn’t really impose it on her if he was given orders. You are aware when you marry someone in the service this will happen and she decided to marry him. She can be angry about it but husband didn’t do this to her. You

    #795555 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    No, JD. He says he joined the Marines right before they married. So this was a decision made after they had decided to marry and after they had a child together. If he just decided on his own to join the Marines, then yes he imposed that life upon her and everything which flows from that unilateral decision. Different story if he discussed this with her and she agreed that it would be a good thing for him to join the military.

    #795556 Reply
    avatar
    JD

    She could’ve not married him.

    #795557 Reply

    I fail to see how the military or moving have anything to do with domestic violence. There’s no justification for hitting your spouse repeatedly on a weekly basis, none.

    #795559 Reply
    mrmidtwenties
    mrmidtwenties
    Participant

    Ron, it doesn’t matter if she has a “legitimate beef”, that’s still not a reason to be violent with a spouse. Every abuser says their partner deserves it for one reason or another. LW, you need to work on an exit strategy so you get full custody of your child. If you’re not going to get a video camera, you need to start sharing what is happening with people close to you and document every injury so it can be used as evidence in any proceedings.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 26 total)
Reply To: Crazy Wife, or Bad Husband?
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.