This topic contains 19 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by JD 3 weeks, 2 days ago.
September 23, 2018 at 1:17 pm #799138
I’m glad to see you already blocked him, that’s great.
It’s really worrisome to me that you let him into your life just because he decided he wanted to be in it.
I think reading the Gift of Fear is a great idea. You come across incredibly vulnerable, naive and as a people pleaser. This is not meant as an insult, this is meant as a warning.
I would encourage you to exercise more caution with people and do what is in your best interest only. He made you uncomfortable many times and you just went with it, maybe because you’ve been taught to be considerate of others. That’s a good lesson, but I’d add an addendum, to be considerate of your own self first, and then people you truly care about, second.
There are bad people out there who can easily spot a trusting, vulnerable person and they take advantage. If you’ve read about PUA, one of their instructions is to be persistent p. If you’re persistent, women will get tired of fending you off. That’s sort of what his guy did with you. He kept at you until you caved and decided to spend time with him.
You need to be careful with yourself. Your time and energy should be regarded as precious and they shouldn’t be spent on someone you don’t really like, who insults you and makes you uncomfortable.
And don’t listen to his or anyone’s opinions about what you are doing with your job, or church or whatever. It’s no one’s business but your own. Don’t tell people you don’t like and don’t trust personal information about yourself and your life.September 23, 2018 at 1:24 pm #799139
At this point I would let him know neither of you have common grounds to speak and just block him and remind him that harassing is a crime. You never had a relationship with him or mutual feelings.September 23, 2018 at 1:46 pm #799145
Please listen to anonymousse. Your letter worried me, too. You seemed to think you had no choice but to let this man into your life. A guy you didn’t really like, who made you uncomfortable by hitting on you, who probably got sexual pleasure out of telling you about his porn addiction. I read your letter with alarm bells going off in my head, and somehow you didn’t see it. To the point that you told him really personal things about your depression and heart problems, and your job troubles.
It’s not bitchy, or even wrong, to keep someone out of your life when you don’t want them in it. Especially if they’re making you uncomfortable. Let me be blunt – this guy is doing a really good job of manipulating you, and his goal is to get into your pants.
Please read the Gift of Fear. And then cut this guy off. Completely. It’s not wrong. It’s for your personal safety. Block him everywhere. Never respond to another text. Never answer a call. Never, ever, ever be alone with him. If you give him the slightest opening – even a one word text- he’ll take it as encouragement and keep pressing. He may even threaten suicide to get you to talk to him or be with him. Don’t respond. Call 911 and let them deal with it. If he really is suicidal, they’ll see that he gets help, and if he’s just doing it to get to you, it’ll discourage him from trying it again.September 24, 2018 at 6:49 am #799381
Yes – please read this book. We are conditioned to “be polite” and “be nice”, as people but especially as women.
You have a right to your boundaries. You have a right to your own comfort. You do not need to let someone in to your safe spaces to make them feel better. Not if it makes you feel unsafe, or even just creeped out.
Now this is going to sound nonsensical but I recommend practicing saying certain phrases out loud. Say them until they feel as comfortable as “Hi how ya doing?”
No, that’s not going to work for me.
Sorry, I can’t/ won’t do that.
You are making me uncomfortable.
That is unacceptable.
That is absolutely unacceptable.
Please, do not touch me.
I prefer not to be touched.
Stop touching me.
One other thing – because we are conditioned to be “nice” we are trained to never shame people and to keep our voices low. We’re also conditioned that if a man is attracted to us and “misbehaves” it must be our fault.
Eff that. If someone touches you or is misbehaving, use these phrases. If there are others around – USE THEM LOUDLY. It is okay to shame someone for behaving like a creep in public. I give you explicit permission.September 26, 2018 at 9:29 am #800076
Also for the mental health thing, the next time someone, even someone you actually like and want to be around, makes a big deal of you being the only person they can talk to….tell them to talk either to a professional or, since you all are religious, the pastor of their church. Your responsibility ends there, and you HAVE been there for them by directing them towards someone who has the tools to help. That IS a kindness.September 27, 2018 at 6:45 am #800288
This is easy. You are being too nice. This guy creeps you out and you don’t really like him. Block his number. When he approaches you be blunt…say this friendship isn’t working for me. Please leave me alone. Set boundaries. Say, No, I’m not interested. Walk away. Say, no thanks. Say, I need to go. Say, Go ask someone else. Be chilly. Walk away. You owe this guy nothing.September 27, 2018 at 10:33 am #800350
You come first. Your mental, emotional, and physical health comes first. You are responsible for you and you only. You come first.September 27, 2018 at 5:00 pm #800394
Yes don’t let it go further. I did the nice to a guy thing once and now we have a nice restraining order. Was a complete pain to go through the process.