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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Crush gone out of control

Home Forums Advice & Chat Crush gone out of control

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  • #1116999 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    Hi.
    So long story short.

    Everyone has crushes. And it can be amazing.

    However at this point it’s affecting my life.
    The subject of my fantasies is not even real. It was inspired by a real person but it has been on purpose changed in my mind. I imagine this person taller and more assertive/less shy.

    I’ve never met this person irl face to face. But I have seen them irl multiple times as they are in some sense a public figure.

    They inspire me a lot.

    There was a lot of communication for a while between me and this person. But then it stopped because there were mutual aquantances identified.
    This person is 15 years older than me.

    Logic dictates this is irrational and at this point just a weird fantasy.
    Like I have a serious job with a decent salary and I’m good looking. And I should have moved on. But it starts to affect my life at this point.

    And I’m over here like… Was there some interest initially? What went wrong?
    Why are we still low-key talking every now and then?

    Any thoughts on what to do next?
    Escapism be escapism but I think about all this every day now.
    It’s been nearly a year now.

    I don’t think I have the balls to ask directly.

    #1117000 Reply
    Debbieree
    Participant

    Hi! How exactly did it affect your life? Because of your fantasies, are you afraid that you won’t be able to find someone special in real life? If so, then you need to live the relationship with this person in your head. Start imagining that he is not perfect – he may forget to wipe the breadcrumbs off the table after him – in general, something that makes him the most ordinary person whose actions can annoy you. If you really want to talk to him, then imagine that the worst thing can happen? Will he ignore you, refuse, agree, run away? Think over each unfavorable outcome and bring it to the point of absurdity – you will understand that in fact nothing terrible will happen. Good luck!

    #1117006 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I couldn’t really follow how there’s a public figure that you don’t know but you communicated a lot notwithstanding. Was this an online thing?

    Either way, if you’re having fantasies about a person who does not actually exist, I’d suggest making an appointment with a mental health professional. I imagine this fantasy is about the kind of partner you’d want(???) and a therapist can help you make sense of it/come up with a game plan to help you live in reality and not in your fantasies.

    #1117017 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    This person is real. Just I imagine them taller.

    Public figure as in not quite a celebrity but kind of similar.

    I have met them I just never interacted with them irl – as in had a face to face conversation. Yes there was a lot of talking online. And our social circles overlap. So we knew of each others existence initially anyway.

    #1117018 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Okay, so someone you used to talk to online but stopped talking because you discovered you have mutual connections. Does that mean it was inappropriate to be talking in the first place? Because barring that, I don’t see why you’d need to stop talking on discovering mutual friends.

    There’s still a lot of context missing here, but either way, I guess I don’t think it matters. If a fantasy is disruptive to your everyday life — your reality! — therapy is a good start.

    It sounds like you blew this situation up in your own mind in any case.

    #1117023 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Therapy is where you go when things in your head are affecting your day to day life to this extent.

    #1117024 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I have a question, when things fizzled out, and left you wondering what happened…did you reach out and ask him? Or did he fade and that what it fizzling means, he stopped? You both stopped? It somewhat unclear what has transpired. This is an anonymous forum and as long as you leave out names and locations, details will not out you. So you Janet told him you like him, or you that you have a gigantic crush on him? If he’s really shy, maybe that’s why. He doesn’t know and you wont say. He’s too shy to say. What happens when everyone is too scared to make the first move? Is his height truly an obstacle for you?

    If he’s shy and you don’t have the ovaries to woman up and ask for a date or a coffee, you’ll let it fizzle and you’ll wonder. The worst he can say is no, and you’ve already dealt with the rejection, so what do you have to lose? Feeling hurt and possibly really moving on? Speaking up might be just the thing.

    What are the mutual acquaintances thing? Why did that stop things?

    I used to consider myself very shy. I let people lead me along in a lot of ways but when I have had people I’ve wanted not make the move, Ive made it. Sometimes you will be moved through your shyness to take matters in your own hand despite the risk, because without the risk there’s nothing at all but the fantasy. I say go for it. Why not? You’ll feel alive. You’ll either be excited or hurt, either way it’s better than years of tortuous fantasy.

    #1117025 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I would agree that generally older men even shy ones aren’t too shy or make hints etc. if he stopped contacting you, maybe it’s time to fully disengage.

    #1117029 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    I have a girlfriend. I am not single.
    And they sort of know each other.
    I can’t say I’m very happy.

    #1117030 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Way to bury the lede! Dare I ask what kind of website/platform you found yourself chatting with this public figure whom you base your fantasies on?

    If you’re not happy in your current relationship, you can end things. Or talk to your girlfriend/try to work on them. Hard to say which way I’d lean given how little context you are providing, though I’m guessing I’d tell you to end things given that you’ve spent the past year (at least) fantasizing about and still “low key talking” to another person. You’re being unfair to your girlfriend by carrying on with someone else online.

    I’d still recommend therapy. Sounds like you have a lot to sort out.

    #1117031 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    You should break up if you are no longer happy and are interested in someone else. I also agree therapy sounds good. Why have you stayed in a relationship where you are unhappy?

    I don’t begrudge you the crush. Are the feelings reciprocated, do you know? More information would be much more helpful than the fragments you’re giving.

    I was in a relationship when I met my husband. He attracted me to the extent that I broke up my relationship, moved out, before I asked my husband if he wanted to drive me home from a party and the rest is history.

    The only person who is able to change your situation is yourself. Break up with the gf if you want to, and seek out the guy if you want to, which honestly I can’t tell if you really actually want to-because you haven’t explained very much. You said he was short for a reason not to date him, for example. Is he too short?

    #1117032 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    You actually sound like an old friend on mine who has a similar but even more unique 4 letter name. She often would find herself down these paths of staying in not great relationships for unknown reasons, and then obsessing about someone else at the same time. I don’t actually know if she even know what she wants now.

    You are in this situation, but you can get out of it, too.

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