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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Crush gone out of control

Home Forums Advice & Chat Crush gone out of control

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 32 total)
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  • #1117034 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    Split up with your girlfriend, keep your fantasy figure as a nice thing to have in your head when you feel like fantasising while reminding yourself its just a fantasy. Don’t try for a romantic relationship with someone you think has a “flaw” (too short? If you really liked him for who he was this would not be an issue)

    #1118148 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    So it’s been a while.
    It’s not as obsessive anymore.
    It’s just sad now.
    I think I’m just really in some ways unhappy with my girlfriend. And I don’t think anything can change that. It’s really sad.
    And this crush is still there. Still crushing hard. Still fantasizing. Still thinking about possibilities. It’s sad and pathetic.

    Can’t decide if I should tell my girlfriend it’s over and move on.

    There are moment when I look at her and think – she’s an angel, how can I live without her. Some days I just can’t stand being in the same room with her. I mean we do have turbulent history.We both made mistakes.
    And like I understand that a crush is a crush. But goddammit…i can’t get rid of the thoughts about this guy.
    It’s been almost a year now I think.

    I go home every day after work and act like everything is fine. We cook, we spend time together, we argue and we go to bed. Our relationship is pretty much sexless.
    While I fantasize about another person every day.

    It’s a bit difficult imagining a guy instead of a woman hugging, kissing, touching you tho.

    I disgust myself.

    I know that nobody wants to be alone.
    And I feel if I loose her I loose my entire social circle and stability.

    I care about her. But I don’t think I’m in love anymore.

    She talks about having children and that just sounds too weird to me right now.
    Used to be OK.

    #1118150 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I still think you need to get into therapy and end this relationship. In that order since you are terrified of being single even though your relationship sounds like a fairly unhappy one.

    I’m sure if your girlfriend knew what you were thinking, she’d prefer to be alone.

    ETA: Still curious what kind of website you met the person you fantasize about.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    #1118160 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    Met this person professionally. Through networking.
    We work in similar fields. Except he’s self-employed.

    #1118161 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    I hate myself. My girlfriend doesn’t deserve this.
    I might just reconnect with people, see my doctor/ask for more prozac and have the conversation once I feel more stable.

    #1118162 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    Copa’s right. Therapy, break up. It’s clear your relationship has run it’s course. It’s selfish and unkind to stay with someone you don’t love, you’re effectively lying to your girlfriend every day. Many people are afraid of being alone and leaving the comfort of a familiar, albeit unhappy, relationship. I can tell you from experience that there is tremendous relief and joy on the other side. The crush will fade and disappear once you’re single and the possibilities of real love and connection begin

    #1118164 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Echoing the call for therapy here. Hating yourself, escaping your reality via a fantasy you keep telling yourself is stupid, and staying in a relationship that has clearly run its course and makes you unhappy are all signs that you need some professional guidance. Obviously, break up with your girlfriend, but if you are equating this breakup with blowing up your life and you don’t know how you will deal with it, then a therapist can help with that too.

    Honestly, things are not as dire as you feel they are. But, again, feelings are messages to us and yours are telling you that your mental balance needs some adjustment – maybe beyond what you are capable of managing on your own. So, seek therapy!

    #1118167 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Ok. Thanks for sharing. I asked because I’ve noticed an uptick of letters on this site (and people I know IRL for that matter) finding an SO active on an online dating platform, so was curious if you’d gotten to the point where you are swiping on strangers when you mentioned you chat with them online.

    Anyway, good luck. It is hard, but you and your gf both deserve partnerships that make you happy or to be living your best single lives.

    #1118174 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Therapy. Months later, still so unhappy. Sad about the concept of being unhappy with your gf. You are interested in others because you are in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you, not because you’re a horrible person. If there’s anything to feel guilty about, it’s about pretending to be happy and fine in your relationship (I assume, you give so little detail I have no idea what happens in your real life or relationship.)

    Therapy may not work right away, you may need to even try more than one before you connect with someone. I didn’t connect with my godsend if a fairy godmother therapist, Liz. I’d actually decided I didn’t want to keep seeing her and then I had something happen, i needed help and didnt feel like trying anyone else and boom, we connected.

    You are doing yourself and your girlfriend a disservice but delaying this. Trust me, I have a huge ego and everyone I’ve broken up with has survived- they will be fine. They probably know/can sense you are unhappy already. You are the only person who has the power to change your life…it takes tiny little steps. “I’m not happy. We should break up.” That’s a step. They/maybe you move out, is another step. Maybe some friend group splits or maybe you were never that great friends with her friends anyway.

    These are not impossible steps. You have one life, one small life to spend how you want. Why spend it in a relationship where you’re really unhappy? I hope you make some good choices for yourself and soon. Good luck.

    #1118175 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I would be more angry to find out how long you’d been unhappy and wasting my time, than relieved to hear you’d gotten yourself a more enhanced prescription that will take weeks if not months to see the full effects of? What pace are you expecting to break up at? Respect your partner and her time. Let’s go at a human rate, not a snail. Just have the conversation. One of you has family or friends to stay with if it gets weird, temporarily.

    Get a referral for talk therapy.p when you call your dr tomorrow , right? It’s fun, I swear. You can puzzle this stuff out with people who do it paid, for a living. They love this stuff. Tell them all your impure thoughts about the shorter man. I would also love to hear them but you are so spare on the deets!

    #1118461 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    Update.
    Girlfriend had a serious if really shit events going on in last few weeks.
    Got my meds. Felt too much empathy. Obviously I still love her I think.

    I have cheated on her or anything like ever.

    We’re still distant. I can see how broken she is from all not related to my situation has happened recently.

    I can’t leave her now.

    #1118462 Reply
    Olga
    Guest

    Series of shit events *

    I have not cheated****

    Typos 🙁

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