Crush(24M) lying to me about previous relationship?

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  • Cate Spiller
    February 12, 2023 at 12:30 am #1118680

    Would a guy lie about having had a relationship? I asked him to meet with me but the hangout turned into awkwardness and many breaks of silence. I also made the mistake of acting cold towards him because I thought he liked me more and got wakeup call when we interacted.

    Towards the end he asked me not to tell anyone from our friends group that we met because another friend asked to hang out with him on the same day but he refused her and accepted my invitation (i asked her when did they last text and she told me it was a few weeks ago so that was a lie).

    I got really hurt by this because I felt like his little dirty secret and told him so after the hangout.

    He also told me that he was in a relationship before during college and expected me to know because of the gossip. I had no idea. I didn’t know he had one. When I met him I knew he was a very responsible guy but that he had never been in a relationship. Again I asked the friend who used to talk more to him during that time and was more up to date with things going on in our class and she didn’t know about it either.

    I texted him after the hang out apologising for not telling to his face that I used to like him but that he doesn’t care about me as much as I thought he did so Ill try to move on. He told me not to worry about him, hell be fine, he’s been through worse in the past years.

    He also was very sorry about the whole “secret meeting” think and asked me to forgive him because he doesn’t value me less. He wants things to go back to the way they were before but I admitted I can’t do that since it’s too intimate for me.

    The whole time I spent with him he acted very nervous, hesitant and awkward. He was fidgeting and I noticed he wanted to hold my hand but gave up. Some time ago he told me he had paranoia. He denied feeling anxious though.

    Why would he lie? Especially about having had a girlfriend?

    Cate Spiller
    February 12, 2023 at 12:31 am #1118681

    I don’t know if he really was playing me or not but he expressed himself  that he doesn’t want to be a point of discussion to others because he doesn’t want our group to ask about what we talked about. Overall it made me feel concerned and even worried. When I left him in the bus he seemed close to a breakdown and he told me it was because he was feeling nervous and angry because of the crowd. The meeting was confusing and I’m just trying to understand him because he is a friend that I genuinely care about, not just a crush. 

    Cate Spiller
    February 12, 2023 at 12:37 am #1118682

    I feel really bad about acting cold. I liked him very much. I’ve always had the impression that he had a soft spot for me, but he never made a move so I initiated conversation about 2 months ago in order to sort my feelings out once and for all. We live in 2 different cities currently so it was all long distance but I’ll be moving soon there for work. I haven’t met him in 3 years if im honest, since the pandemic started and we were forced to do college online. Since it’s been a long while, it was bit of a shock to see how much he changed, not in a good way necessarily. He looked much more stressed and anxious than I remembered him and I was getting a bit hurt by the second because something just didn’t feel right. The hangout merely lasted an hour too, I think we both were getting awkward with each other and did not know what to do. I know I didn’t interact in the best way with him and I was thinking of telling him that because he seems troubled enough.

    February 12, 2023 at 9:14 am #1118683

    I have to tell you, this does not read like well-adjusted adults interacting. I would think I was reading about tweens who’ve never been let out of the house if you hadn’t provided ages.

    It looks to me like this guy isn’t interested in you romantically and doesn’t want others knowing you hung out alone, most likely because he is romantically interested in the other gal he said had been texting him.

    As to your original question, it’s actually not clear to me that he’s lying. He seems kind of pathologically secretive, so maybe he did have some kind of something with somebody and your friend group didn’t know about it. That aside, people lie and say they have romantic or sexual experience because they are embarrassed and don’t want to look like a weirdo.

    You need to move on from this guy. You hadn’t seen him in years and couldn’t sustain a conversation for an hour. There’s nothing there.

    And consider working with a coach or therapist about how to establish and sustain human connections. The last 3 years have been rough.

    Avatar photo
    February 12, 2023 at 9:51 am #1118684

    Also, in the future, if you have a crush on or are starting to date someone new but you find yourself not believing what they’re saying, you can move on based on that feeling alone. You don’t have to reach out to a mutual connection to verify.

    February 12, 2023 at 10:53 pm #1118686

    When guys are the right guys, there will be little to no question in your mind how they feel. They will make it known. They will engage you in conversation and ask you questions and introduce you to their friends and tell people about you.

    This guy sounds like a colossal waste of time. I advise you to find a cuter dude on campus and avoid this bed communicator. Life is too short.

    Don’t ever apologize for being cold. He was weird, asked to keep your hangout a secret. You responded accordingly.

    February 14, 2023 at 10:41 am #1118699

    I concur that there isn’t a waste of time. I did want to point out one bit I do empathize with the guy on.

    “…he expressed himself that he doesn’t want to be a point of discussion to others because he doesn’t want our group to ask about what we talked about.”

    I kind of get where he’s coming from, because you mention that you’ve talked about this situation with multiple (presumably mutual) friends. He may not want to become a point of gossip. He probably could have phrased his request more sensitively, but I get where he might be coming from.

    That said, this to me just sounds like a crush that went nowhere. It happens. It’s ok to just move on, and you don’t need to worry about his hurt feelings. He’ll survive.

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Crush(24M) lying to me about previous relationship?

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