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Cultural Misgivings

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This topic contains 49 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Silvermoonlight 1 week ago.

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  • #847408 Reply
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    ConfusedBride

    The citizenship question was asked as a side conversation at the dinner table, when I was sitting next to his mom. It wasn’t verbalized so that people at the table could hear. Should I mention this to my fiancé? It was a while ago and I had no idea how to react at the time.

    #847409 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, I’m really surprised that his mom would have said something like that to you and that you wouldn’t have discussed it with your Fiancé. What do you think kept you from bringing it up?

    #847410 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I would drop it at this point, the time has passed and to bring it up now would seem weird. But you may want to talk to your fiance so he knows it happened and ask him to address it in the moment.

    #847411 Reply
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    ConfusedBride

    I’m not sure why I didn’t bring it up. I guess I was shocked and confused at the time, and I didn’t want my fiancé to be upset at his family. I was at a picnic party being hosted by his uncle and we were only seeing his immediate family that day since they drove up to the state. His immediate family lives about a 6 hour drive away from us but he has extended family closer to us.

    #847412 Reply
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    ron

    I agree with Fyodor and Kate: the ‘did you decide to marry our son’ is offensive to LW and evidence of xenophobia. It also is very damn insulting to their son — he couldn’t have gotten a woman like this to marry him if he didn’t come with a path to United States citizenship — otherwise son would have to lower his sights.

    Son needs to have a talk with his parents: some basic info about LW’s homeland, which she can expand upon, a bold statement that he absolutely is going to marry her and they need to back way the hell off and behave themselves and treat her in a welcoming manner.

    Marriages between cultures are harder They can only work if spouses have each other’s backs against their parents, when parents are out of line — with the explicit message that you are going to see a lot less of us if you don’t treat my SO with open-armed acceptance and love, because spouse is number one in my life, although I will always love you and my spouse is willing to share love and acceptance with you.

    Like any country, there are some very good things about both the United States and LW’s home country and things which could be better about both.

    #847413 Reply
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    ron

    Lost some words there — first line phrase should read ‘do you want to marry our son to obtain United States citizenship’. Strange, a hole phrase dropped out — it’s my touchpad, not the site software.

    #847416 Reply
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    ConfusedBride

    Yeah it was definitely awkward and now, every time I mention wedding plans I mention something like “I will be a citizen by the time we get married” as I am currently in the middle of the process, which started long before we got engaged.

    #847417 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You know, stuff can get REALLY awkward with family, especially as parents age and things happen and life has its “downs.” You need to be able to address things that bother you with your spouse as they come up, so that you can fix it together and it doesn’t fester.

    #847419 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Oh, what a surprise. Yet another LW who only comes up with real offenses in some update. I dunno why but this shit ALWAYS screams made up to me when brought up as an afterthought… Yeah, it’s hilarious to me how so many tales of woe keep on changing…

    #847420 Reply
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    ConfusedBride

    @kate I know. I usually do but this one was just shocking to me and in the moments after, I tried to sort of excuse it away, since I am in the process of citizenship and the timeline was sort of close to our timeline for planning the wedding.

    #847421 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    And who knows, they may be true in this case.
    .
    But it baffles and amazes me how so few LWs can plead their case for shit. Example: If I was going to write in about, say, the creepy boss who sexually harassed me back in my early twenties, I’d mention that info in the letter and not instead whining about how he was often mad if I was two minutes late. But hey — that’s just me.

    #847422 Reply
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    ConfusedBride

    @bittergaymark – this is unrelated to my question, but I hope you get some mental therapy and counseling for this bitterness you harbor against strangers on the internet, or perhaps even in real life. Hopefully you are getting help for this already, but if not, I hope you get some soon. I’ve seen your comments here before and while I admit they are sometimes a point of agreement, you clearly harbor some suppressed anger or general bitterness which you choose to express almost at random online. The fact that your handle expresses this shows me that you are proud of the bitterness in yourself which you choose to spread to others for some reason.

    Your comment about your boss, which may or may not be true, makes me feel sad for you. If this is something you went through, or is something similar to what you went through, I certainly hope you get help to heal within yourself instead of through the false reward of short-lived satisfaction that comes from expressing bitterness towards others.

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