Dating a boyfriend with Muslim parents

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  • Taylor
    February 7, 2023 at 9:23 pm #1118642

    So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years, we have the best time together and I truly think he’s it for me.
    The only problem in our relationship is his family’s values. They’re Muslim (my boyfriend is a first generation Australian) and his mum is very strict with her culture and religion. It took about a year for him to reveal that we were dating, then took two years for me to meet his mother. He claims that she approves of me and thinks I’m perfect for him, but still denies me coming over to their house. I understand that I can’t be in his room or sleep over and I would respect that, but I’m not even allowed to step foot through their front door. He claims that she’s just hesitant because their house is a “mess” right now (they had water damage due to heavy rain) but a few times he’s mentioned people over at their house. I’m not a pushy, demanding sort of girl so I haven’t asked consistently about coming over, but surely he would want me around inside his own home? If she likes me like he says she does then what’s the problem? I truly don’t get it. I’m just hoping someone here can help me see her point of view. He’s met my entire family, extended and all, and gets along with each of them extremely well. I’m close with his 2 brothers and his dad is very welcoming and accepting, and I’ve met the extended family of his dad’s side too. His mother is just a bit of a roadblock at the moment! I’m wondering how much longer it will take, or if it will even happen at all at this point?? Ugh

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    peggy
    February 7, 2023 at 11:20 pm #1118644

    I think 4 years is a long time for anyone to be dating without an engagement or committed plan. I don’t know that much about their culture or religion,but I think it is possible that they like you and also possible that you may never be acceptable as a marriage/life partner for him. Not that you are not a great person or good for him,but you are not “their kind”.
    You need to find out your BFs intentions. Would he want to be with/marry you even if they don’t give “their Blessing”? He should be dealing with his mother and telling you what the stumbling blocks are there. Would she “allow” you to visit if you two were engaged? He should always be willing to take your side over her i he is serious.
    You sound very passive and IMO you need to get more info on his intentions,ideas and plans before you spend more time in limbo. You also need to know if and how your position would change if you did marry. How would you be expected to “act” etc.

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    Anonymousse
    February 8, 2023 at 8:18 am #1118646

    You need to be louder in your relationship. Ask him why you can’t come over. Tell him how this makes you feel. Be honest with him if you want him to be honest with you. You’ve almost been together for half a decade. Think about that. You’ve invested four years into this and he’s barely introduced you to his mother, because as much as he tells you she likes you, you know that your religious background prevents her from fully accepting you.

    There’s the possibility that his house is in such a state of disrepair that he is too embarrassed to invite you over. The other people they have over may be family or close friends of the family who know their poverty? I don’t think his is it, but it could be.

    At the end of the day, you’ve been with someone for four years and you’re unhappy and there seems to be no end in sight. You make the choices that shape your life. If this boyfriend you love cannot add you into his life fully, you can choose you want more and move on.

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    Avatar photo
    February 8, 2023 at 2:12 pm #1118648

    Does he live at home with his parents? Is this really about stepping foot into his family home or is this about something bigger (i.e., his mom’s acceptance and approval and what that might mean for your long-term future)? Have you talked about your future together and what that might realistically look like as two people with different religions and backgrounds? Is there an expectation that you convert? It’s hard to tell how old you two are, but if you are thinking this is it for you, you can open up these conversations.

    FWIW, I do think some people do have a sincere embarrassment of other people seeing how they live. Whether or not that’s the case here, IDK. I have one ex-bf who felt too embarrassed to take me to his dad’s house (his childhood house) because he wasn’t from a nice area, he was worried the house was messy, etc. It felt like a non-issue to me, though, since my then-bf didn’t live at home, I’d met his nuclear and extended family, etc.

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Dating a boyfriend with Muslim parents

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