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Dating a man with a child

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  • #844088 Reply
    avatarCbun24
    Guest

    I’ve been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and his 8 year old son comes to stay every Saturday to Sunday. No issues there, we all get on great together and me and his son have a great relationship.
    I can’t help but sometimes feel jealous that I’m never my partner’s first priority, for example, he won’t sacrifice one Saturday to spend time with me. ( I’m not suggesting he doesn’t see his son, but maybe that he comes round after school in the week and stays on the Friday to Saturday once a month so that we can spend time together as a couple as we both work Monday to Friday.)

    The one thing which has been playing on my mind for a while, It was my partner’s 30th birthday a couple of weeks ago and I planned a huge surprise for him, which was a 5 night trip to Barcelona and all the attractions paid for.
    I then saw a conversation between my partner and his son, where his son messaged him to say happy birthday. My partner responded “my birthday wouldn’t have been good if I didn’t speak to you”

    Now, I know this is his son and he feels extremely happy to have received a message from him. But I can’t help feeling like what I did just meant nothing and that if he hadn’t received that message from his son, did he really mean that his birthday would have been no good? It may seem very petty but I’m a bit upset by it.

    Please any advice would be appreciated.

    #844093 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    He is a father. Despite saying you get along fine with the son, you seem incredibly jealous of him. You have to either get over this or MOA. He talks to his son as an adult talks to a child. Do you want him to talk to you as if you were a child?

    Why can’t he see his son weekdays, rather than weekends? Probably that’s the custody agreement he has. Relates to the child’s school attendance, childcare arrangement (how are you and bf going to care for him if you work those days, he’ll be out of school long before the two of you are home from work). You want to cut out 3/4 of his weekend visits with his son. That’s a MAJOR change. He and ex are co-parenting. You don’t get to demand a huge change like this in their parenting arrangements.

    I think you really need to MOA. You can’t handle dating a man with a child, who takes his parental duties seriously.

    #844094 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Nope, sorry, this is the way it is when you’re in a relationship with someone with kids. His son comes first, and always will. Which is as it should be.

    I’m a little confused as to why you were hurt by his comment to his son. His saying he would have been disappointed if he didn’t get to talk to his son is not a reflection on your gift or how he feels about you.

    For heaven’s sake, he was talking to his *kid*. Of course he was going to say something like that. It’s something any loving father would say.

    Stop competing with his child. It will damage your relationship with both of them, and it’s a competition you will never win.

    #844096 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “I then saw a conversation between my partner and his son, where his son messaged him to say happy birthday. My partner responded “my birthday wouldn’t have been good if I didn’t speak to you”

    Now, I know this is his son and he feels extremely happy to have received a message from him. But I can’t help feeling like what I did just meant nothing and that if he hadn’t received that message from his son, did he really mean that his birthday would have been no good? It may seem very petty but I’m a bit upset by it.”

    Amazing

    #844106 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “… son comes to stay every Saturday to Sunday. No issues there…”

    Huh? You have HUGE issues with it. You’re trying to change the custody arrangement! Leave. it. alone. Be HAPPY for him and for his son that they’re close. This is what you signed up for. They’re not taking anything at all away from you. C’mon, girl. Do better.

    #844107 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You live with him. You see him EVERYDAY. Why on earth would you want him to spend less time with his son? He’s a good dad, as far as what you wrote. That’s a GOOD thing. It’s a good character trait that he loves his son, and has the intelligence and empathy to also show his son that. He cares about his son, that’s what the text meant. It was a way of telling his son that he means a lot to him. He appreciates him. You are trying to take that small show of love and twist it into something bad. It’s so strange and wrong to be jealous of his son. There’s something ugly growing inside you if you find yourself comparing the affection you receive to the affection his son gets. His love for his son isn’t competing with the love he has for you. It’s totally separate. If you force yourself in between them, and try to shut his son out, I can almost guarantee that you will be the one spending less time with this man.

    You should love him even more when he is being a good father. You should appreciate that and encourage it. If you can’t temper these terrible jealous feelings on your own, you should see a therapist. Maybe you should spend your weekends reconnecting with friends or family for awhile.

    #844108 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Also, stop snooping on his phone!

    #844112 Reply
    FireStarFireStar
    Participant

    You don’t have what it takes to date a father. Honestly? There is no shame in that. No shame in wanting to come first. But you’ve made a mistake. You are in a relationship where you will never come first. You’ve set yourself up for failure. Your letter is rife with resentment you have for the son, for your boyfriend, for their relationship. It is only a matter of time before the relationship self destructs. Do everyone a favour and leave now. Find someone childless and let him find someone who appreciates him as he is.

    #844114 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    When my daughter made my wife a piece of artwork for her birthday she said it was the best gift ever. But what of all the gifts I had gotten her over the years? Did they mean nothing?

    #844115 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    My wife once told my daughter that she was the cutest person in the world. But what about me? Aren’t I cute? Was our whole relationship a lie?

    #844118 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    On Valentine’s Day this year, my husband wrote the same message to our son that I wrote to my husband in the card I gave him.

    Something like, “You’re the best and I love you so much.”

    Does that mean I am not the best? Does that mean my husband loves our son more? (I hope he does!)

    #844197 Reply
    avatarPoppy
    Member

    The way you need to picture this is if you had a child with him then what would life be like. Well, it means you’d have a child ALL THE TIME and if you wanted a date night out or a day to go out without kids then you get a babysitter or a family/friend to watch them. Problem solved. If having to parent or be a family unit makes you feel less valued or not prioritized then maybe you should find someone without kids.

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