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Dating a recovering addict-family isn’t happy

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Heatherly 2 months ago.

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  • #756730 Reply
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    Christine

    So my name is Christine. I’m 28 years old and I’m dating (casually right now, but working towards a serious relationship) a recovering addict.
    So here’s the background. I moved in with my parents a few years ago for various of my own reasons. At that time I met our neighbor who I became pretty close with. They have a son who is a little older then me. I will call him B.
    B has been through a lot the last few years. He got involved with a woman (the mother of his two kids) and started falling down a bad path. Prior to this he was a great guy, worked hard and stayed out of trouble. When B met the this woman and started dating her, he got involved with drugs and eventually ended up with some minor theft charges and selling stolen goods. He did 11 months in county jail. When he was released he did an additional 6 months in intensive inpatient drug rehabilitation. During the time he was in jail, his parents were awarded full custodial custody of his children.
    I met his parents during their battle with getting the kids. I have spent a lot of time with the two littles and his parents. I knew about what was going on but had never met B.
    Last year he came home. I’ve spent this past year getting to know B. At first I had no intention of getting to know him any better then as my neighbor. But as this last 12 months have passed, I have developed feelings for him. We eventually exchanged numbers and started texting, which led to phone calls…which led to a first, second and third date.
    We have both agreed that although we are looking for the same things, we do not want to rush into anything (he brought up the topic). When I told him that was fine with me, but that also meant I didn’t want an intimate relationship with him until we were exclusive, he wholeheartedly agreed and complied. He hasn’t at all pushed the issue either.
    I have a really great time with B. The last 3 dates have been amazing and I see him while visiting his parents almost daily (at minimal 3-5 times a week).
    B also has been very open about his past, answered any question I have and has spoken very admittedly about his previous behavior and how he never wants to go down that path again. He has gotten a well paying job, sees his kids daily and has started making me a priority also in his life. Honestly, the time I have spent with him has been amazing.
    My problem is my family. They are aware of B’s unsavory past. And they aren’t very open to the idea of me dating B in fears that I will be in an unhealthy relationship.
    How do I tell my parents that I am seeing B and that we are taking things slow, getting to know each other better and both agree to not rushing a relationship? My mother and I have spoken some and she said if I was ever to date B that she wouldn’t be thrilled but even though she likes him, he would have to prove he is genuine before approving.
    I know once I tell her, she’s going to push for him to be around the house more and for them to get to know him better and to prove things to them…but him and I aren’t there yet. I mean, how can I ask a man who is trying to even see if this is going to work out with me to prove his “worthiness” to my parents? I feel liketelling her right now would put a lot of pressure on B and I, but if I don’t I am lying to her.

    #756758 Reply
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    ron

    This can’t work, you are living a strange fantasy. Do you really think you can have a secret relationship with your neighbor’s son?

    This guy has so many red flags. Just out of residential drug program who isn’t ready to be in a relationship, ex-con, had not one but two kids with this other woman and yet neither he nor her has custody of the kids — his parents do.

    Life is a lot easier if you don’t date Mr. Red Flag. Read the nearby letter from the woman who is married to a ‘recovered’ addict. Relapses are very common.

    You sound like you were desperate to fall in love.

    #756768 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Well, you can’t make make them feel differently. Three dates in is pretty early. Time will tell.
    I’m sorry, but 11 months in jail sounds a pretty serious. Are you sure you really know what happened?

    #756780 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Why did you move in with your parents?

    #756797 Reply
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    Autumnrose
    Member

    People can change and learn from their behaviors. He sounds like he had a serious issue along with the childrens mother. He has an opportunity to get his life straight now and hopefully regain custody of his children. From what you describe, he sounds like he is on the right track. However, he is a previous addict. 6 months in rehab isn’t long enough time for any addict. He could easily fall if put back in the right spot to start using again. He needs constant support groups (whether through church or addict support groups) He needs to he associated with positive people, and playing an active role as a father to his children. I would go very slow. It doesn’t hurt to be friends first.

    #756799 Reply

    Nah, move on. He’s broken, and you can’t fix him. He needs to fix himself by staying clean, getting custody of his kids, and finding a job. He’s not in the position to start a relationship with you or anyone else.

    #756801 Reply
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    RedBlue

    When I left home, I was given two pieces of relationship advice:

    Never enter into a relationship with a cheater and never enter into a relationship with someone who has more or worse problems than you do.

    #756802 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I disagree that he’s currently broken, but i do think you should not be pursuing a relationship with him. He JUST got out of jail and is currently working to rebuild his life and relationship with his kids; he doesn’t need the added pressure of a relationship with you (where you want to be a priority?!) and the craziness of your parents. On that note you’re 28, no beau of yours should have to “prove their worthiness” to your parents. It makes it sound like you don’t have your life together either. Both of you should focus on rebuilding your own lives and realize though you like each other it’s not the right time.

    #756811 Reply
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    JD

    You don’t spend 11 months in jail for petty theft. You are being fleeced by an addict. This is a very poor decision to have anything to do with this man. You’ll find someone else you like.

    #756815 Reply
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    ron

    It’s clear that LWs parents have a clearer view of her bf than she does. LW: have you done anything at all to confirm the story this guy has told you. Your local newspaper will have the details of his arrest and trial. Most guys who just steal a little to support their habit can get away with residential drug treatment and probation. Suggests he was a pretty major ure of hard drugs and did more than a little theft. My guess is he’s still on probation. While he faces a return to jail if he fails the periodic pee in the cup requirement, you can’t even know what he wants his future relationship with drugs to be. Drug addicts are very good at spinning a sympathetic yarn.

    I would take your current status as having only been on 3 dates and not having sex yet as the perfect time to escape what is likely to become a real shit show. I am not impressed by “sees his kids daily”. What does that even mean. It does not describe having a positive relationship with his kids or participating in raising them or supporting them. Does he see them when he drops by his parents for a free meal.

    Speaking of free meals, if you are going to return home and live under your parents roof again, likely with at least partial financial support from them, then I think the very least that you owe them is not to bring this shit show to their door step by sneaking around with the neighbors recovering addict, recently out of jail son. That’s certainly going to increase harmony in your parents’ neighborhood. You are betraying their trust and support and will make their lives a lot more difficult. If you are determined to continue dating this guy, then you owe it to your parents to move out of their house and stop being a permanent fixture in your neighbors’ home.

    Do you have a job? Does your bf REALLY have a well-paying job. He doesn’t sound like the sort of guy an employer will jump to give a well paying job to.

    #756816 Reply
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    ron

    Curlycue — yes, he’s currently broken. Just out of prison and drug rehab and needing your parents to raise your two kids is pretty much the definition of broken.

    #756844 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    A person who is self-supporting without all of the baggage of the neighbor/boyfriend doesn’t have to prove themself. The person who has spent time in jail and lost their kids and hasn’t been out of rehab for long has a lot to prove. He needs to prove himself to his kids and his parents and then to a romantic partner. He isn’t there yet. It takes time to prove that you aren’t going to go back to being a thieving addict. It takes time to prove that you can and will parent. It takes time to prove that you will make better decisions. In this case time means years.

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