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“Dating a Widower”

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  • #1103885 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I had been dating a widower for 7 months. He told me he wasn’t looking to date because he had been married to the same person for 30 yrs. His wife died unexpectedly. He asked me out to dinner then we went dancing the following night when he said he didn’t want to date anyone. Yet he started pursuing me. After 5 dates within a two-week period, he showed up at my place of work with flowers to take me out to eat and asked me to be his girlfriend. I knew his two daughters from my place of work.

    Well, come to find out he first let them know that he was ready to move on and was talking to someone. Then next time he saw them told them it was official and that I was his GF, third time told them that they knew me. They said they wanted to meet me. The fourth time he told them who I was. My situation here is they already knew about me but when it came to a gathering or outing with them, he did not invite me. Despite the fact that I always invited him to my family gatherings.

    He told me on two occasions that I was the one but that he wasn’t all in just yet because he was afraid that I would leave him. The second time told me he was almost there and for me to be patient. But he went on a trip with them out of the country and started delaying by up to 4 to 5 hrs his responses. Came back after 5 days and didn’t even bother to come by to see me. He rather gets drunk with his friends which is what he did when he was away. I called him out on it and pointed out everything I didn’t like and he said I was overreacting and that he felt like I was making him go through trials and that that was the last time I would ever do that to him. he said he was leaving and I let him leave. I felt like he would never take me around them. If his friends call some he would say that he was out and others that he was with his GF. He had a lot of female friends at first and he made it clear to them that he was with me. I found out from him later that one of those female friends he had dated stopped when we started dating. He said for me to count from the moment we became official.

    Although I walked away I made the stupid mistake of calling him and asking him to get back together even after he dismissed my feelings. He declined of course. Now I feel like I didn’t stand my ground. Was I wrong for not being patient to see if he would eventually come around and invite me with this daughters?”

    #1103888 Reply

    This story is quite convoluted, but another question in response to your question – how long would you have waited for him to invite you to a family gathering? If he wanted to invite you, he would have invited you.

    #1103890 Reply

    Aarghh, this is why when a guy tells you he’s not ready for [fill in the blank], you have to believe him and walk away. He told you he wasn’t looking to date. That is your indication that he is not ready to date and you should not try to date him. By starting to pursue you, he showed you he’s a hot mess. If he wasn’t ready to date, then he shouldn’t have been trying to date you, and you should have declined. He also gave you clear indications along the way that he was not ready yet, giving you more opportunities to bail. Your lesson for the future is to not date anyone who says they’re not ready, or whose partner recently passed, or is still married but separated. You just can’t.

    #1103891 Reply

    He was speaking out of both sides of his mouth, saying “come here” when it suited him and “go away” when it didn’t. And you didn’t pay attention.

    I think once the honeymoon was over, he determined you needed more from him than he could give and he wasn’t up for it. Why you wanted to get back together with him is a mystery to me. You didn’t make him sound very appealing.

    #1103895 Reply

    He told you he wasn’t looking to date, he’d been with the same person for 30 years. Why would you continue seeing a man who said that to you? That’s not good if you want to avoid romantic pain. His behavior after that didn’t match what he said, and it was a sign that you should have at least questioned his earlier announcement. I don’t know why, after ignoring you, why would you confront him? and then ask to get back together with him? He didn’t try to see you when he got home and would rather get drunk with his friends. What is there to like here? You’re lucky to be on the other side of this. I’m sorry, but the picture of him you’ve painted is a poor one, so I’m not seeing the upside. I’d go get an STD screening if you were intimate, I wouldn’t trust he’s disclosed his recent partners, statuses, etc.

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