Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Dating seems hard these days

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
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  • #1119032 Reply

    Seems hard to meet local women. Especially where I live. Very few times I bump into one that smiles or is friendly. App dating sites seem pricey and uses to meet women that way.

    #1119036 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy

    I guess you have no choice but to develop some conversation skills and personality rather than expect women to just magically smile when you bump into them.

    #1119038 Reply

    Why would a woman be friendly or smile to you for “bumping” into them? I’d think you were drunk.

    I’m sorry you can’t seem to figure out how to connect with people, but bumping them seems violent and immature.

    #1119039 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity

    Two reasons.

    The first is personal safety. Women have a very different experience of being out in the world than men. Assessing and avoiding the threat of harassment and assault informs every move we make in public. We’ve learned that many men will interpret friendliness or smiling as an invitation to hit on us, and with some that quickly devolves into being insulted or threatened or even assaulted when we reject them. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t experienced incidents like this MULTIPLE times. We are on edge, sir.
    When a strange man approaches us in public, we are immediately looking for the exits. Look, you might be a genuinely good guy who would never dream of harassing a woman. But strange women out in public have no way of knowing that. We have to be wary of everyone.

    The second reason is that women generally just want to go about their day without being hit on. We don’t go grocery shopping or to the gym or to our workplaces to find a date, these are spaces in which we’re just trying to live our lives. Far too often, we’re going about our day, and a man will come up, infringe on our personal space, act entitled to our time and attention, and get angry and insult us when we indicate we’d rather be alone. “I was just being friendly, you don’t have to be such a b*tch,” no sir, if you were friendly you’d be making small talk with people of all ages and genders, not just cornering young, attracting women. We see what you’re doing, and we’re tired of being hit on just because we’ve gone outside.

    Approaching women in public is doomed because you have no way of knowing if they’re even single, let alone looking to meet someone. If you want to meet local women, you need to go to places where women are actively trying to meet someone, like, yes, a dating website or app. A singles event (try checking for ones near you), a bar.

    #1119040 Reply

    “Bump into” is a metaphors. As in they walk by me while shopping etc.

    I tried but even the women on dating Apps seem to be judgemental or paranoid of men. I think Avatar covered most of that.

    #1119041 Reply

    A bar! Oh my gosh. That sounds like a way to get punched. I just heard lots of horror stories about bars. Especially down south. But I get it somewhere public.

    #1119042 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    Dating apps are by and large free. There are also some free dating sites like OKCupid.

    If you’re consistently striking out with women — in person, online, doesn’t really matter — that’s your cue to take a step back and think about your approach. Instead, you blame the women for not smiling at you and being paranoid even though they’re not the ones having a hard time getting dates.

    #1119043 Reply

    Yeah my dude. Women are judgemental and paranoid of men, but it’s out of necessity.

    Women on dating apps are subject to a constant stream of duds. They range from guys whose conversation skills are limited to the word “hey” to unsolicited dick picks to straight up stalkers. Women have to have their guards up out of necessity.

    My best advice for a man seeking out women on a dating app is to be patient. When you initiate conversation, do so specifically. You can’t just say “what’s up” and expect that to be enough. Find someone you have a mutual interest with and start a genuine conversation.

    An online message of “sup” is the equivalent of hoping to make a connection with a stranger while shopping. Don’t hold your breath.

    Don’t be hurt if you don’t get a response immediately. Remember women are likely sifting through dozens of messages on a daily basis.

    Don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response at all.

    #1119044 Reply

    A basic rule for interacting with women out and about is don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if they were a man. Do you smile at and try to strike up conversations with random men you see? Basically, women going about their day are not a selection box of chocolates for you to try a nibble on.Being low level harassed by men while just existing in the world starts at about 14 for most of us and by the time we are older we are just fed up of it. But there are so many dating apps where women who are potentially interested exist. Many are free. Also just joining groups and clubs where people share interests with you is a good way to widen your social circle, – though again, don’t interact with any women there in a way you would not interact with a man.Get to know more people, they all have friends, and that’s a good place to start.

    #1119046 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity

    Completely agree with @Copa that if you’re finding women on dating apps to be “paranoid”, whatever that means, and judgemental, then the problem is your approach, not our gender as a whole.

    Read the profiles of the women you’re interested in – don’t just skim them, really take the time to look them over. Find something that interests you, or something you have in common, and use that as a jumping off point to start a conversation. Avoid discussing their appearances. Women feel objectified enough already on a daily basis, they want to feel like a potential partner is attracted to them for more than the way they look. If you’ve messaged her, it’s already a given that you find her attractive.

    The website Paging Dr. Nerdlove has a lot of insightful blog posts tailored to men about how to talk to and date women, you might want to check that out before heading back online.

    #1119048 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity

    @Tedros, I met a serious boyfriend in a bar. I was sipping a drink, looking around awkwardly while a guy chatting up my friend, and he came over, smiling, saying “you look bored!” I shrugged and said something like “yeah but I think she likes him,” and he said “you’re a good friend.”

    It was partly how at ease he was talking to a stranger, partly how at ease he made me feel with his grins and big laughs, but mostly it was that little throwaway line – that he noticed something about me other than my appearance, that he complimented me without making it about my body or how I made him feel.

    He also asked me questions about myself and listened – asked follow up questions rather than responding with something about himself. I never felt like he was just waiting for me to finish so he could say his thing. @Max if you can show genuine interest in women that will go a long way.

    #1119049 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity

    With that bar interaction, it was also the context. He didn’t come sit down at my table while I was talking to my girlfriends, or come up behind me while I was dancing and start shoving his groin into my butt. He saw that I was lonely and bored and needed someone to talk to.

    I met another guy in a bar at the bathroom. I was waiting to go in, he went into the men’s room and politely excused himself as he squeezed by me. When he came out and saw me still standing there he said “hey, just use the men’s if you want. I’ll stand by the door.” When I came out he just smiled and went back to his friends, but we exchanged smiles every time we saw each other for the rest of the night, ended chatting outside the bar after it closed, and went out a few times. Again, what got me was that he noticed something about me other than my appearance – this time a need I had – and was thoughtful without expecting anything in return.

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