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Dear Wendy

Deciding to move away from my soon to be EX and daughter

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Deciding to move away from my soon to be EX and daughter

This topic contains 25 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar shakeourtree 6 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #749368 Reply
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    DadCR

    Hi, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my post as this is a very stressful situation for me. I will try to keep this short and sweet.

    My gf and I have had an on and off relationship for 8 years and our daughter is 4. It’s been two years which is our longest consistent time together. I decided to move back in with her for the second time.
    We live in my girlfriends ex boyfriends house, the ex BF lives out of state. I found this out six months being here (for the second time) I still decided to stay to work things out for our daughter.
    I told her this was an issue and we were gonna save and buy our own house but that didn’t go as plan. We decided I become a stay at home dad so I stopped working. I took good care of my daughter, her, and the house (cook & clean). She was so focused on her career where she would neglect me. Her job became too stressful and she quit her job, For the past six months we been at home together. My daughter has changed drastically, she’s called me selfish and disrespects me, where she didn’t when it was her and I at home.

    Our relationship has now made me resent and fallen out of love as she’s been mentally and verbally abusing me for the past two years. She doesn’t know how to apologize for her wrong doings. I have been wrong at times and I admit it. In the past two years I’ve sacrificed my well being, happiness, good job, savings, and now bankruptcy. I have no options left.

    Here is my dilemma, I have no family here. I have no job as I’ve been actively looking for the past month. I have no money, friends are helping with my car payment. I would need to make at least $41k/yr(which I made previously) to survive here on my own paying my bills, daycare and child support. I’m frankly tired of living in Nevada as I have nothing left from what I’ve built. I told myself I’d give this relationship my ALL my last shot and it didn’t work out. Now my uncle lives 1800 miles away, has a job lined up and I won’t have to pay rent or groceries. I would be able to pay child support and daycare for my daughter and visit every other month.

    These are my problems, I will be away from my daughter and I won’t be able to be there for her at any given moment.
    The reason I feel I need to move away is so I can get back on my feet and be away from my ex so I don’t fall back into the vicious cycle and get back into the toxic relationship we’ve been at for the past 8 years.

    Please provide any advice if you’ve gone through similar situations. I know this is gonna be toughest for my daughter but what if I’m not happy here? Won’t she be unhappy also? We’re already fighting in front of her and when we split I feel my ex is gonna be vengeful.

    #749369 Reply
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    JD

    I can’t really ever advocate for leaving your child. However if it is the only option, and one you intend to be short term, it might not be the worst idea. Make sure you have legal visitation in place first!! And I’d say only do it if it is short term. You need to be where your daughter is.

    #749371 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I think you need to spend more than a month looking for a job before you pack up and move away. You’ve been with your daughter daily; to go from that to every other month would be traumatic for her (for both of you probably). Your relationship with her mother sounds toxic but if you haven’t internalized that after 8 years of off and on I don’t think physical distance is going to matter. I can already see it-you come into town to visit your daughter, you’re trying to save money so you stay over and boom, right back where you started. You have a child with this woman; she is going to be part of your life for a long time but you don’t need to be entangled in a crappy relationship with her.

    #749372 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    How much do you need to save before you feel comfortable moving back so you can be with your daughter?
    How long will it take to save that if you live with your uncle?
    What would be your daily/weekly/monthly budget to ensure you are saving that money?
    What can you remove from your budget to make that happen more quickly?
    Will you start looking for a new job in your current town as soon as you start living with your uncle?
    Will you look to schedule interviews and visits to your daughter as soon as possible? If you can only go back every other month, do you think that will impact your ability to find a job in your current town?

    Have you asked yourself any of these questions yet or are you only looking to get away from your GF?

    #749374 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I understand how this whole experience seems emasculating and brutalizing. You went from being a self sufficient proud adult to being unemployed and drained financially and abused verbally. I understand the impulse to want to start over and be self sufficient and empowered again. To live a life free of all the depressing dynamics that have held you down. Do not let this impulse lead you to make a bad long term decision.

    End the relationship with mom, but do not leave your child. Not until and unless it is your last option. Not until you have have turned over every rock and called in every favor. Work every connection, beg, barter and cajole. Don’t leave your four year old daughter with her asshole mom and move out of state.

    You haven’t given enough specifics about the relationship with mom to know if couples counseling would help but it would also be something that I would consider.

    “I’m frankly tired of living in Nevada as I have nothing left from what I’ve built”

    You have a child.

    I am also troubled by your bringing up your child’s disrespectful behavior. She’s four and she’s probably sensing the tension between you and mom. Even if not, four year olds certainly go through bad phases.

    #749376 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Don’t abandon your child.

    #749389 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Miss MJ
    Participant

    I think if this is the only option available to you to get back on your feet, then you should take the opportunity with the intent that it not be a long term solution and continue to look for jobs closer to your daughter. Having a dad that’s unemployed, demoralized and in a continuous destructive relationship cycle with her mom isn’t helpful to your daughter. While being away from her isn’t ideal, if you visit and keep in contact regularly while you’re temporarily away and get your life stable, I think that’s better for her in the long run. And, you, too, obviously. But do get support and visitation details legally sorted out before you go.

    #749391 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Miss MJ
    Participant

    Also, legitimately moving for work isn’t “abandoning” your child. My divorced parents lived 8 hours away from each other for work purposes during my entire childhood. I had regular telephone contact and visitation with my dad and he visited us frequently and came to the big events. I never felt abandoned at all. We’ve always been very close, when I was younger and now. I applaud seperated parents who are able to commit to living within a certain distance if each other, but, that’s not possible for everyone.

    #749395 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think that going from looking for jobs locally to 1,800 miles away is a big jump. I get that there’s one lined up, but did you look for any that are maybe out of the range you’ve previously been looking but not all the way across the country? I think that if a parent’s other option is having no income, then yes, moving for work may be necessary, but if you found something 200 miles away instead (or however many), that would be a lot better.

    I agree that it’s not possible for everyone to live close and it’s not the worst thing ever to have distance. But you will have a very different relationship with your daughter if you see her every other month than more frequently. It’s not just about how often you see her, but also when. You’ll only be able to see her on prescheduled trips, and not be able to do things like go to a soccer game or any random activities that pop up in her life.

    I guess all that’s to say that if 1,800 miles is your ONLY option to support yourself, then I guess. But you haven’t indicated that you’ve exhausted your other options. I know time is probably an issue because you need to make money soon, but it would have been ideal if you had tried to slowly branch out geographically first.

    #749401 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    You already made the decision to leave the relationship. I know it would be easier if you moved away, but you would be abandoning your child. If you stay, move out of the house, with the right mindset, you could still move on and be there for your daughter. The decision is already made: you don’t want to go back to a toxic relationship. If you don’t want to get back into a toxic relationship, and you are set on that, then it doesn’t matter where you are. I think that’s the approach that you need in this situation.

    #749406 Reply
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    DadCR

    I want to thank everyone who has responded. I should have added more details.

    First and foremost I do not want to abandon my child. My girlfriend is a great mom even better when we’re not together I know our relationship has been impacting her as well its been me. If her mom was no good then leaving wouldn’t be an option.

    Finding a job to support my daughter and myself here is going to be tough to find. I have been actively looking for a month but been looking for about 3 months. I’ve worked my way up having 4 different jobs where I’ve gained more experience and more pay for the past 8 years. It’s like starting over again and I’ve never had this long looking for work.

    From saying I’ve lost everything I’ve built, I meant it by really saying I’ve grown into an adult, became responsible, made better decisions, starting doing the right thing, etc. I know I have my daughter here, but after everything I’ve been through really for the past three years I am depressed. Before I moved back with her I was going to buy a house but put my dream on hold to work on my family, it didn’t work so I lost it.

    And correction to my post its 800 miles away. I know I will be missing out on a lot and would be only coming for big events birthdays, holidays, recitals, etc.

    As a family we never planned to settle in this town, we wanted to move but with my girlfriends spending habits it’s been impossible. This would be my chance to leave and have a fresh start and if I do decide to come back here it’ll take me about two years to save up for a house after my bankruptcy is complete so i can purchase a home.

    There’s been some very valid points to the replies. I know I should leave my daughter but living paycheck to paycheck if that depending on the job with no emergency money will be tough. If I work two jobs then it’ll be the same as if I live far away not being able to spend time with her. I do have a job lined up with my uncle and I would not be spending money as I just need basics to live. I’ve been doing it the past year just fine.
    I have asked the friends I have left for jobs and even my old boss, no one can put me in a position to where I can afford my own place and support my child and myself.

    I am going to feel bad and guilty leaving my daughter from seeing everyday to every other month. I know she’s going to grow learn new things, won’t be able to share those new experiences with her. It’ll be sacrifice for me to do better.

    I just can’t decide, I’m hoping for signs as if I decide to leave it’ll be another month or two.

    #749418 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I was a child of divorce. I don’t want to retell my tale in entirety, but my father essentially stopped seeing my brother and I when I was around ten. It’s been 24 years since that decision.

    I wish I could accurately, concisely explain the pain and emotions that I have about this topic. Even skimming the top of the emotions I feel typing this out to you…not even delving into the details in my mind…it really hurts. I don’t consider him my father. He wasn’t there. He abandoned me. You should see us now. He is filled with regret and feels horrible, and there’s nothing to be done about that. Nothing can be fixed. I grew up without him.

    Yes, I have a very specific POV thinking about this situation. But I think my experience has insight and value and that’s why I share it with you.

    Two jobs still affords you the ability to be there, visibly near her.

    Two jobs is not that hard, in fact many, many people do that in order to be in their children’s lives as an active parent.

    How do you know that your ex will suddenly adopt better spending habits, when you go? You write about providing for your daughter, but money is only one kind of provision. Your daughter also needs a father.

    You want to be reassured that this can work. I guess it could, but you will need to put in a ton of effort. Even if your daughter is angry with you. Even if her mother hates you, and picks fights with you. Are you going to do that? You know it will irrevocably change your relationship. Your ex is vengeful, right? It’s seems likely you have no custody agreement. And you are already calling a four year old selfish and disrespectful. A four year old. It’s not hard to see where this can end up.

    Why haven’t you been looking for work, if your ex has been at home the last six months? Why is all the blame on your ex?

    Did you somehow forget you had a child, that you brought into the world? Did you forget about car payments and bills? What kind of work do you do?

    Can you sell your car? Buy a bike? Take public transport? Food stamps? Government assistance?

    I really don’t think you should base your decision off of a “sign.” There’s a sign right in front of you, who doesn’t have a choice in the matter. Your child. Your responsibility is to do the best you can to raise her in the best way you can.

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