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Delayed Reaction

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 month ago by Phoebe.
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  • #1099108 Reply

    I (30F) broke up with my girlfriend two years ago, and I missed her, but I didn’t feel excruciating heartbreak for two years. Now, I do. We broke up because the chemistry between us had faltered, but I think I was so busy with babysitting and work that I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to even want “romance” with anyone. Now, I am dating again, and I finally feel heartbroken because I don’t think anybody will compare to her, romantically?

    Has anybody else gone through a similar experience?

    #1099118 Reply

    Time and loneliness have warped your memory of the last days of this past relationship into a rose-colored, nostalgic, better-than-it-was mythic memory. That you went two years before feeling the loss says a lot. After this much time, she surely has moved on, so it’s a moot point, anyway. You need to move on with your life. I was the dumpee more than the dumper, but when I was the dumper, I never looked back. Now you know for future relationships to look whether the ‘chemistry waning’ problem is within your own mental state or really has to do with your gf and state of your relationship.

    #1099618 Reply

    Back when I was dating, I eventually set myself a rule, inspired by a roommate of mine and some late-night commiserating talks. The rule was: I break up ONCE. No back and forth, are we or aren’t we, dithering over the decision. If he wanted to break up, that’s fine, but that was going to be that. If I wanted to do it, then I had made a decision and I was going to hold myself to it. Delete all contact info, unfollow online, done.

    And if it turned out, somehow, that we just really, really couldn’t live without one another, we’d made a terrible mistake and we’d rejected our one and only chance at happiness…well, then, we’d just have to go ahead and die miserable. Because I break up ONCE.

    I can’t begin to tell you how many times this spared me so much trouble. Guys would reach out down the road (they ALWAYS reach out) and I could have a nice chat (ONE) and catch up and then remind them that no, we are not going to give it another try, because we broke up and it’s over now. Helped me a lot when my first marriage ended, especially. He really thought we’d remain friends and lovers without any of the obligation to be a decent person to me, and was very surprised when I told him no, I break up once. I’ve been told many times that I’m too harsh, I’m not considering the scenario in which my true love gets rejected, etc. And they are welcome to their opinions about that. But I’m sitting here married to a wonderful man and not hung up on the ones I rightfully let go, or who let me go, so I gotta say it worked well for me.

    Anyway, OP, you’re going through your “maybe I’ll just reach out” period. Don’t. You broke up, with good reasons at the time. Next time delete all the contact info so you couldn’t reach out even if you wanted to. But trust your self from three years ago that you made a decision for reasons, and made the right call. And then direct your attention to finding the person who is actually right for you, who you have not met yet.

    #1099621 Reply

    @Carrot – this is both ridiculously harsh and completely and totally sane.

    #1099628 Reply

    I haven’t experienced this. I’ve only had heartache feel better with time (especially after years have passed). I agree that you’re probably romanticizing this relationship now because you’re lonely and dating/finding a good match is hard.

    #1099644 Reply

    I know what it’s like to feel the loss of a relationship when starting to date again! i’m 20 and my boyfriend of a year and a half and i broke up at the end of february, and i still feel miserable in new relationships because I feel like nobody can compare to him. healing is not linear, so you have to be gentle with yourself for feeling this way. your feelings are super valid, and it is ok to accept them and realize that you might need more time to truly sit and reflect upon how you are feeling. the feeling that nobody else can compare to your ex is a very helpless feeling, and I feel that a lot! what we have to remember though is that we can be grateful to have experienced a love that felt so lovely, and that we know our standards and will eventually find someone who will feel right again! there are billions of people in this world, so dating a few here and there after the end of a special relationship (no matter how long ago the relationship ended) just means that those people aren’t right for you and thats ok! just be patient with yourself, honour your feelings, reflect upon what you can learn through this, and don’t be hard on yourself. it will get better – just give it more time and reflection and you’ll gain something from this experience no matter what. you can do this 🙂

    #1099726 Reply

    I think this is common. When you’ve been with someone for a while, you get a comfortable familiarity. For a while, other people won’t have that.

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