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  • #1030572 Reply
    Trying to Understand

    Can depression take on a whole entity on its own. Meaning.
    My boyfriend gets these episodes of depression where he wants to kill himself and does not care about anyone or anything. He gets in a mood where he doesn’t want to see anyone and just wants to stay in his room and not do anything.
    When he gets triggered, he’ll lash out on me saying I’m the problem. Saying he shouldn’t be with me. I can’t handle being in a relationship with him. He doesn’t want to have to worry about me. He wants to be alone and not be in a relationship with me.
    The next day, he’ll tell me he’s sorry. He’ll tell me he’s sorry his depression ruined the day. He loves me.
    I know depression is a sickness. I am madly in love with this man and want to help him. But sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be treated this way. But then again it doesn’t take him long to come around and apologize so I’m torn.
    Do I believe him when he says he’s happy with me or do I believe him when he says he’s not happy with me?

    #1030575 Reply

    Mental illness doesn’t give anyone a pass to treat others like shit. If he’s struggling with his depression he needs to be working on solving that. He might not be capable of a healthy relationship right now. Which doesn’t make him a bad guy or unworthy of love. He just needs to do the work of getting better. You said you can’t handle being in a relationship with him & you feel like you shouldn’t be treated this way. If I were your friend I’d be telling you to breakup. Your happiness matters. His depression is his problem to solve, you can’t do it for him

    #1030578 Reply

    Agree – this is emotional abuse and depression is not an excuse to be an ass. Is his behavior more of the “I blame you for my emotions” or is it more of the “I’m not good enough and everyone is going to leave me, you’re going to leave me, so I’m going to behave abominably to prove that I’m unlovable”

    Of course, neither is acceptable, but the first puts the blame on you – the second is a never ending test for you to prove your love.

    Honestly, unless he starts getting professional help and starts doing the hard work – this is going to be your life. If he’s not willing to do the work, you have to leave for your own mental health. Even if he is doing the work, you may want to consider leaving until he’s in a better place. You don’t have to carry his emotional baggage on top of your own.

    #1030585 Reply

    End the relationship. You are no therapist, you can’t help him here. By the way, love is not curing someone suffering of depression. He says it himself: he can’t be in a relationship now.
    Tell him: I can’t bear being in this emotional rollercoaster anymore. This is not a healthy relationship. I love you and would like to be in a relationship with you, but this is impossible for while. I need a stable and reliable partner.
    He needs to make steps toward a treatment. The best you can do for him is to walk.

    #1030587 Reply

    Look – if someone was a type 1 diabetic, born with the condition through no fault of their own, but they refused to manage their diet, they refused to monitor their blood sugar and as a result were going into diabetic shock or in danger of irreversible damage like losing a limb, you’d rightfully get on their case, right? Especially, if they were say, driving around putting others at risk in the event they go into shock and pass out.

    It’s not their fault they have this illness, but it is their fault for not managing it.

    It’s no different with depression, or other mental illnesses. It’s no one’s fault if they suffer from depression, but it is someone’s responsibility to deal with it, *especially* if they’re failure to do so has negative consequences on those around them.

    He is sick, but he also has a responsibility to try to manage his condition and get treatment. If he’s not doing that, to the extent he is taking it out on you, you can leave him without guilt.

    #1030588 Reply

    He can’t be a good boyfriend to anyone until he works on his mental health himself. He’s not happy with you, because he’s not happy. It has nothing to do with you. He won’t be happy with you or anyone else because he is suffering from depression and needs professional help.
    There’s nothing you can do to make him better or happy.

    You can love him and know you deserve more. You can love him and know that you shouldn’t be treated this way. I hope you really think about what you want and prioritize your mental health.

    #1030606 Reply

    Longtime depression-haver here.

    Living with someone who has depression and being someone with depression can be incredibly difficult. Your boyfriend often probably loses perspective and doesn’t even notice when he’s being difficult. As his partner, you are probably picking up more slacking and doing more emotional labor than you even realize. It’s a long and often thankless battle.

    But this…

    When he gets triggered, he’ll lash out on me saying I’m the problem. Saying he shouldn’t be with me. I can’t handle being in a relationship with him. He doesn’t want to have to worry about me. He wants to be alone and not be in a relationship with me.

    This is far beyond what anyone should have to put up with in a relationship. This is not depression, this is just plain-old assholery. Sure, sometimes depression can make you not be yourself, but this is well beyond the limits of acceptance.

    You NEED to draw a hard line with him that he MUST end this behavior, and if he doesn’t, you NEED to stick to your guns and end the relationship. You are doing him no favors by being his punching bag. You are only teaching him that he’s allowed to just lash out and behave as wants. Ironically, this is going to be the most loving thing you can do for him.

    #1030669 Reply


    #1031238 Reply
    Trying to Understand

    I want to leave. So bad. It shouldn’t feel this way. I thought it was real but I feel so used. I have no one to rely on to help me through it. Please help me leave.

    #1031244 Reply

    Do you live together, and are you concerned that he will put you in danger if you leave? These are really important points and how you approach leaving depends on the answers.

    You should probably call the NAMI hotline or National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to get some coaching and a plan together on what to do if he threatens suicide because you’re leaving. It’s not your place to guess whether he’s serious or to “prevent” his suicide by staying – your responsibility is to alert people who can help him. You also need to go no contact after the break up, including on social media.

    If you’re worried about harm or retaliation for leaving then you need to call 1-800-799-SAFE to make a plan to do that safely. Local women’s shelters are also a resource you should utilize.

    #1031248 Reply

    Yeah, I think you need to put yourself first. The guy is simply not mentally healthy enough to date right now. You can’t fix him. So don’t waste time trying.

    #1031253 Reply

    Are there any helplines available for you to call? I don’t know what is available near you, but even if the helpline doesn’t seem to you to exactly fit your situation, they will know who to refer you to so you have someone to talk you through leaving this situation. Womens’ shelters as already mentioned would be a good starting point.

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