Did I do something wrong by rejecting my best friend?

Home / Forums / Advice & Chat / Did I do something wrong by rejecting my best friend?

  • Author
  • Bless Kurunai
    March 26, 2023 at 7:23 am #1119334

    I am a very introverted, autistic person and I’m not really good at making friends. Few years ago my family had to move to new city because my father lost his job. So I also had to go to a new school. I already did not have many good friends in my old school and I was forced leave the ones I had. It was a horrible time for me. I was extremely depressed and lonely. And during that time I met her who I’m going to call here “M”. M and I were in the same class. She was the first person to reach out to me, she helped me be comfortable in the school. She helped me make new friends. Every friend I have right now is because of her. She is an extremely kind, supportive and just an amazing person. I actually still suffer from imposter syndrome and think that I don’t deserve her friendship just because how amazing she is.

    I’m not really good with dealing with my own emotions. I tend to ignore most of them and love is not an exception. On one side I always *hated love*. I think some media’s portrayal of love and romance ruined it for me (I’m talking about you Twilight). So for a long time I thought I was aromantic (here I should mention that I’m sure I’m also asexual). But I also cried my eyes out after watching Kim No Nawa/Your Name and wanted nothing more than to be in a nice relationship. So basically I’m not sure how I feel about romance and dating.

    Anyways, yesterday afternoon all of my friends were hanging out in my house. It was around that time when others have left, M just suddenly asked me out. I was really caught off guard. I didn’t know what to do, and I just said no. And then I saw her eyes get fill up with tears. She ran away from my house crying. I felt horrible for making her cry. I tried to call her but she just wouldn’t respond. I called my other friends (all my friends are also friends with her btw) and they said, she was planning to ask me out for a long time. But she was really nervous because it was her first time proposing to someone. And if I said yes I would’ve been her first boyfriend. She finally managed to build the necessary courage that day and decided to do it. But still she never thought I would say no. I feel like an asshole right now. After all she has done for me I still somehow managed to hurt her. I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve to be her friend, let alone her boyfriend.

    Also somethings I should mention here, knowing M I’m sure she won’t make a big deal out of it. She’ll feel sad but she’ll keep it to herself. And I’m sure she’ll keep being friendly to me just like she used to. And I think that’s even worse.

    Another thing, if I ever want to date someone I’m sure It’ll be her. There just cannot be anyone better than her. But the problem is, do I really want to date anyone?

    So I just wanted to know the opinion of the internet. Did I do something wrong?

    March 26, 2023 at 11:54 am #1119341

    First off, if it’s an option, therapy.

    “I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve to be her friend, let alone her boyfriend.”

    You’re not a terrible person for acknowledging what you want (to not be her boyfriend). That this is your first thought suggests deeper issues.

    I get that you feel bad, but you didn’t do anything wrong. If you would have agreed to be her boyfriend when you didn’t want to be, you’d have been lying to her. That’s worse.

    Sometimes we get crushes and ask people out, and are disappointed with the answer. It sucks but it’s a part of life. Your friend will need to work her way through it. It’s hard to hear but it’s not your responsibility to guide her through this process. I know you want to help (Because you’re a good caring person) but you literally cannot. You are the worst person on earth to help her through this.

    Give her some time to adjust to the new status quo, and keep reminding yourself YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. She will either accept the new reality as new friends, or decide that she can’t be friends with you right now because it’s painful for her. Let the ball be in her court.

    Avatar photo
    March 26, 2023 at 1:22 pm #1119342

    You didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like M really likes you and respects you, so why wouldn’t she be understanding if you explained to her exactly what you’ve said here? Tell her that you are confused right now about how you feel about romance in general and about your own sexual identity. Let her know how much you value her friendship and that if you were to be interested in dating anyone, she’s the first person you would want to explore than kind of relationship with my right now, you aren’t ready and you aren’t sure when you will be ready. It’s ok to not be ready and not to be sure how you feel! It’s also ok to change your mind about things.

    Maybe you don’t see M in “that way” right now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t a few months from now. It’s hard enough being young and figuring out your place in the world. Add in a neurodivergence and it’s even more challenging. Please be gentle with yourself – the way you’d be gentle with someone you care about. You aren’t an asshole. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just a person who hasn’t figured out what you want yet and there’s certainly no crime in that. Take all the time you need and continue surround yourself with as many kind folks as you can, like M, and treat them with compassion without compromising yourself or crossing your own boundaries.

    If M is as good of a person as you say, she will understand and she won’t hold this against you,

Reply To:

Did I do something wrong by rejecting my best friend?

Your information: