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Dear Wendy

Did I just do the right thing or not

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  • #1009667 Reply
    avatarDave Messer

    For a while I worked as a full time housekeeper for a well known telecommunications company while the credit crunch decimated the construction industry. I went along my way cleaning restocking consumables etc. The compound was quite big so there was always lots to do. Anyway, I found I was the under the scrutiny of a young woman who was a little different in some way I couldn’t put my finger on but in a good way. Needless to say I was a little flattered. Other women worked there but none gave me any eye contact in the same way she did. Over about 3 years of just smiling and staring at each other I began to have some strong feelings which I wasn’t really comfortable with as I was and am in a stable relationship. I hid myself away and worked long hours around the times that I would most probably bump into her. Eventually I ended up burning out from the stress and fear of my own inappropriate feelings for this bewitching person. I went off with stress but I add there were numerous other factors and her role in that was negligible. When I returned I was speaking to an engineer that knew her and after saying something anatomically complimentary about her he mentioned that she was married. I was gobsmacked. There was a strong possibility that this lady wasn’t going to be put off so I blanked her completely and didn’t smile at all ever in her presence. This was killing me but I felt it was the only option. I must add that other than in my capacity as a housekeeper we never spoke more than about 3 words. That was 5 years ago and I still feel awful for not speaking to her about it but at the time I felt so angry that she would deceive so. I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t I in a relationship? Yes but believe me, this lady is special. We never did anything but I got the distinct impression that I wouldn’t have had to do much to close the deal. My problem is I just can’t do that, it wouldn’t work and the guilt would be unbearable. I couldn’t do that to anyone. I feel I need to say this because it still kills me to this day. Should I apologize for being rude and just say to myself it’s a learning curve which of course it is or not apologise because logically I think I did the right thing but I feel absolutely terrible for it. I would have to go right out of my way to do it too. About 100 miles as I firmly believe apologies should be done face to face.

    #1009673 Reply

    My friend, I think you found a woman attractive at work, she generally behaved in a friendly/polite way towards you, smiling and looking your way, and you became obsessed with her, to the point you had some sort of breakdown.

    It sounds like you didn’t even have a conversation with her, ever, right? And yet, somehow you are convinced she was lusting after you and you easily could’ve sealed the deal if you wanted?

    Where’s your proof on that, if you literally never talked to her? Seriously, what objective evidence could you tell a third party to convince them that your perception of what was going on was truly happening, and just not wishful thinking and imagination on your part?

    There is NO WAY you knew what was going on in her head when she looked/smiled your way. Trying to put this kindly, but I think you made up a story in your head. Any glance in your direction you took as a sign of interest when really, she was probably just being kind, or just looking in your direction with a pleasant look on her face not even thinking about you at all.

    It seems like your feelings became quite strong, but they were very much one way and all in your head.

    Certainly, LEAVE THIS YOUNG WOMAN ALONE. She probably has NO IDEA what’s in your head, doesn’t reciprocate it, and it’s going to freak her the hell out if you “apologized” to her.

    #1009674 Reply

    Sorry, I messed something up and a couple of responses got deleted.

    Don’t even think about speaking to this woman about anything not related to housekeeping. That’s beyond inappropriate.

    #1009677 Reply

    This is all in your head.

    There is no basis in reality that she ever wanted to sleep with you. This is all a bizarre fantasy you have cooked up in your head.

    She does not want ot need to hear your apology. Driving 100 miles to do so is simply very stalkerish behavior —- even though you fail to recognize this.

    You need to drop that idea now.

    #1009678 Reply

    Also – let’s say you’re right (I mean, I’m quite certain you’re not, but for the sake of argument let’s say you were). Let’s say she reciprocated your interest, and was trying to non-verbally telegraph her interest.

    You don’t work there anymore, and haven’t for years right?

    Even if you acted icy towards her and she felt that, it was YEARS ago. Surely, she’s moved on, if she even remembers a passing crush she had years ago.

    Honestly, even if she was interested, she wasn’t interested enough to get more aggressive in pursuing you, right? She never upped the ante and like, actually talked to you, asked you to do anything, started a flirtatious conversation with you (or any conversation at all for that matter), to further clarify her interest, right? It was still just looks and smiles?

    So, if she was interested at all (which again, I’d strongly bet she wasn’t), she wasn’t *that* interested. At most, maybe she liked the attention, maybe it gave her a little ego boost.

    You driving a 100 MILES to apologize for something in person that happened (or you think happened) YEARS ago is BANANAS.

    Honestly, just sit with what you are suggesting. You will come across as a crazy stalker, because that is something a crazy stalker would do.

    #1009681 Reply

    Totally agree with all the comments here. I doubt she even remembers you – the guy she said a few words to five years ago.

    Also – “after saying something anatomically complimentary about her”….EW.

    #1009683 Reply

    Yeah, honestly dude – why do you want to do this anyways?

    You obsessed over the idea of this woman for three years without really talking to her while you worked there.

    And since leaving you’ve continued to obsess over the idea of her. Again, a woman you never really talked to and haven’t seen in years.

    You aren’t wanting to apologize to her because it’s the right thing to do, you are still hung up on the idea of her and some part of you thinks maybe you apologizing will result in you getting together with her, right?

    Which again, is crazy because YOU DON’T KNOW HER OR WHAT SHE EVER THOUGHT OF YOU.

    I’m not saying you’re a crazy stalker, but you are definitely thinking about acting like one.

    Just enjoy the fantasy you created of her for the spank bank, but recognize it is just that, a fantasy. Your image of who she is and how she felt about you was something you made up for yourself.

    #1009684 Reply

    The funny thing is, you never spoke to her in person, but how in the world did you make the leap that to drive 100 miles to speak to her now would work?

    I can tell you this would absolutely terrify 99% of women. The best case scenario is she wouldn’t be wherever you think she is and you’d have to turn around and drive home.

    Do you know where she works? I truly hope you don’t.

    I highly doubt she remembers or ever cared that you suddenly stopped staring at her, five years ago.

    If you are still married or in a relationship, you need to talk to them and focus on them and your own REAL life. This young woman is NOT the one that got away. If you can’t do that, you need to seek professional help.

    #1009685 Reply

    Yeah, the anatomical comment was really unsettling.

    #1009687 Reply

    It’s not a compliment, it’s sexual harassment (yes, even if he only said it to you, not her), and it’s 1000% not ok. Two men talking about their female co-worker’s body and speculating about her relationship status is gross, inappropriate, and potentially a fireable offense if it’s a pattern.

    #1009688 Reply

    If you are thinking that we “just don’t understand how she looked at you” you should realise that some people have sunny dispositions, are friendly, and have pleasant open faces, and they are like that with men women children dogs and possibly even houseplants, and it never means they are secretly in love with you and you alone. Currently quite appreciating my “resting bitch face” for once.

    #1009689 Reply

    Yes Hazel.

    I unfortunately, like a lot of women, have a resting “pleasant” face. Plus, women are generally socialized to be friendly and accommodating.

    As a younger woman (not that I’m that old now), definitely lots of men took my “Just living my life and going about my business while being a pleasant polite person” demeanor as “Oh, she’s into me so I’m going to be aggressive and not leave her alone until she has to overcome her natural politeness and asserts herself, at which point I’m going to assume she’s a b*tch.”

    Now I’m a lot quicker to get to the assertive part and don’t care if some boundary crossing dude thinks I’m a b*tch. You were rude first.

    OP – unless she came up to you and said she wanted you, you should assume that she’s just a nice person that will be nice to other human beings but doesn’t particularly want you in any way shape or form.

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