“Did My Partner Emotionally Cheat On Me?”
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From a LW:
“My partner works out of town. He met a woman who was staying at the same hotel that lives in another city. They made a friendship, he bought her drinks, took her out for an expensive dinner (which he has never done with me). Apparently, She is in an abusive marriage . He talked about me, of course, not sure what was said about me.
He came home and told me she wanted to be friends and they exchanged numbers. I am not opposed to him having a friend of the opposite sex. But a string of events caused me to be suspicious.
He played some music that I might listen to but not his genre. He also told me she tried to kiss him but he turned his head. He claims she wanted to thank him for dinner. I said you hug someone, you don’t try to kiss them. He became defensive thinking I was accusing him of infidelity. When I went to stay with him on one of his shifts, she texted him and his response “he sure misses his drinking buddy”.I should not be invading his privacy, looking at his phone. But between the attempted kiss, the song, and that text…. it put me over the edge. I texted the woman asking her why she tried to kiss him, her response was a non-response and indicated she would never text him again. I told my partner what I did.
Perhaps I should also say that our sex life was non-existent for a year due to some health issues I had. But that has been taken care of, and before he told me about her, he was all over me. I found it odd because he hadn’t been paying that kind of attention to me.
This is still eating away at me because he still talks about her here and there.
Was I wrong? Would this be considered emotional cheating. And, how do I move on?”Aside from anything else, the second she tried to kiss him is when he should have cut it off. She’s not a ‘friend’ if she’s trying to kiss him and he shouldn’t have continued interacting with her after that. It’s good he told you, I guess, but that doesn’t absolve the rest.
I’d love to know what happened after you texted her and told him. Because if there haven’t been some hard discussions about expectations and trust moving forward I don’t know how you get back to a good place.
I mean… even if the consensus was that he wasn’t out of line, would that make you feel better? No. You don’t need to crowdsource opinions to validate your feelings when reasonable boundaries have been crossed… I’d not be comfortable with plenty of this and suspect many others wouldn’t be, either. I’m with @Ange that if there were a clear point to stop interacting with her, it was after she tried to kiss him.
It’s not great that you went through his phone. And yeah, it’d be helpful to know — what happened after you told him you texted her?
You refer to him as your partner. Are you married? Dating? Do you want to be in/stay in this relationship? Even aside from this woman, the offhand comparative remark about him never taking *you* out for nice dinners makes me think there are other issues here.
We did have a very good discussion once he cooled off . I think he was more upset about me going through his phone and less about texting her. I shared my text with him. He also then reciprocated by showing that he had removed her as a contact. I have not gone through his phone since as he is very honest. He really didn’t need to tell me anything but he knows I’m very intuitive.
I’m good with everything and I really appreciate the responses.
Honestly not going out for dinner is as much my fault. I’m an amazing cook. I even pick apart meals when we go for breakfast or lunch. But, dinner would be nice on rare occasionsWe did have a very good discussion once he cooled off . I think he was more upset about me going through his phone and less about texting her. I shared my text with him. He also then reciprocated by showing that he had removed her as a contact. I have not gone through his phone since as he is very honest. He really didn’t need to tell me anything but he knows I’m very intuitive.
I’m good with everything and I really appreciate the responses.
Honestly not going out for dinner is as much my fault. I’m an amazing cook. I even pick apart meals when we go for breakfast or lunch. But, dinner would be nice on rare occasionsI don’t know if being “good with everything” is the best stance in this situation. Your partner went on a date with a woman he met at a business hotel. That’s really a violation of normal healthy boundaries in a relationship and I think you’re conflating it with his right to have female friends. Sure, opposite-sex friendships are fine and appropriate. Buying drinks and dinner for a woman you met in a business hotel is not. And the things about the abusive relationship and the turning his face from the kiss sound like typical sort of damage control mitigation measures that people use in situations like this.
I don’t know if they slept together, probably not, but I think he was looking for something, some kind of connection that he isn’t getting. I think it would be a good idea to have a really in-depth conversation about the state of the relationship and whether needs are being met.
As someone who used to work out of town all the time – this was a date. A per diem only goes so far and if you try to charge in two meals and the second one isn’t a clear business contact – it wouldn’t get approved by the accounting software (or the human team).
He flirted with idea of an affair. Maybe he was feeling neglected. Maybe he was feeling bored. Something is up. I recommend a couples counselor because either you’re not communicating or you’re not listening when someone tries to communicate.
And his story, which is all you have to go on, has contradictions.
HE said SHE wanted to be friends. Okay. But a woman who wants to be friends and not cross boundaries does NOT initiate a kiss. A woman is only going to do that if she feels romantic attraction that’s reciprocal. She was seemingly getting cues from him that made her confident a kiss would be welcomed.
And then when you texted her and her response was “I’ll never text him again.” Ok, that doesn’t really fit the picture of her knowing he’s happily in a relationship and they are just friends. It reads a lot more like she didn’t know he was in a relationship at all, or she did but thought he was being discreet. If this was totally above board and just friendship, wouldn’t she tell you that?
You’d be a lot better off here trying to get to the bottom of what he’s thinking and feeling, and clearly communicating the same to him, as well as what you’re comfortable and not comfortable with, than sweeping this under the rug. Counseling would be a good idea.
I don’t think any one thinks this sounds all above board and normal. I am married and have been for ten years and have friends of the opposite sex but they usually don’t try to kiss me and I don’t take them out on expensive dates and not my husband. My husband is my priority.
If this isn’t okay with you, if his responses don’t sound plausible, you don’t have to have anyone else agree that it’s wrong for you to decide you don’t like it and you’re not going to take it and you’re going to leave the relationship that doesn’t make you feel happy or appreciated.
He removed her as a contact… but he still talks about her here and there. You don’t seem “good with everything,” and IMO you have every reason not to. Something’s amiss. Couples counseling is a great suggestion.
He doesn’t get to charge his meals to the company. He gets a living out allowance so basically it came out of his pocket. He is in construction not business. Just thought I should clarify that
He doesn’t get to charge his meals to the company. He gets a living out allowance so basically it came out of his pocket. He is in construction not business. Just thought I should clarify that
