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Difficult situation

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This topic contains 174 replies, has 17 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ange 12 hours, 49 minutes ago.

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  • #742805 Reply

    Hello everyone. I’m looking to get advice on a rather confusing situation.
    So, recently I met an amazing girl at a party. We spent hours talking in stead of partying, it was an unseen bonding experience neither of us ever had before. After the party, i stayed to sleep over at her dorm, just spooned and talked. She was going on a 2 week holiday afterwards and told me she’d be deleting her messenger app to get away from it all for some time, so i hit her up on instagram, and she texted me every day of her holiday. When she got back, she asked me to come to a party event with just her and 2 girlfriends. Normally, i am shy and unsure as one could be, but i told myself ‘fuck it’ and went with her. There we first kissed after which i again stayed over to sleep at her place, just to cuddle, kiss and talk. Some days later, i took her out for drinks on valentine’s day, brought her two roses and all. I heard from her friends she was so happy with that, because no guy ever did that with her. Stayed over to sleep again and this time we got rather touchy but she wasn’t in the mood for sex. But we cuddled really intimate this time. I think things started to go downhill from here. A week later, we went on another date to get chinese food. After which i, again, stayed over at her place. We were watching 50 shades of grey and when i was about to execute my plan of action, my stomach turned and i had to vomit all night. Food poisoning. Talk about cockblock. Next time i just came over to chill at her place and believe it or not, same story, but this time she was ill. In the meantime we were still having contact daily, even sexting a bit. So a week after, we went on a date again to get food and go to the movies. Before we left, she told me: “I don’t know about you, but i don’t really feel anything for you. I like what we’re doing and still want to go out and do fun things, still want to go out to parties and you can still always stay over.” So nothing changes, i asked. “Nothing changes.” I again stayed over afterwards, got touchy again but this time she had her period, she wasn’t lying or something. But obviously, things did change. We suddenly barely had any contact anymore. Being the animal of habit i am, i just kept on texting and sending snaps like we used to, but i felt something was definitely off. One of my best friends happens to live in her dorm as well, so i asked him if he knew anything. He told me she told a friend there’s no “fire”. That friend told my friend that it’s normal because we didn’t had sex yet… Anyway, i went to a party with my friend, looking for anwsers, i went to knock on her door. What she told me there only confused me more. She said that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, and will not be in one for at least months to come, but she never says never. She told me about the night we met, how she’d never had that connection with anyone ever before. She told me about how she sees me as a gift from god: handsome, smart, sweet, i have it all according to her. But she’s free and doesn’t want to get commited, and she never knows what she wants. Now, the thing is, i was perfectly okay with what we had. I wasn’t looking for a relationship either but only went in on what i perceived as signals she wanted to get more serious. And i know knowing someone has feelings can work the other way around, actually pushing them away. So i believe she is convinced i am in love with her and therefore she’s losing interest, while i would like to go back to what we had. Something comes out of it, good. If it doesn’t, also good. But at least we’d have had fun. Her words: “everyone needs affection”, and i couldn’t agree more, i don’t need anything serious either. I may have reinforced her belief because when i left, i went in for a kiss while saying, do not think much about this. Seemed like a good plan at the moment, but she responded with: “im sorry, i can’t give you what you want”. That was the last time we saw each other, about a week ago.

    In the meantime, ive gone to some parties. Fixed some girls, went on two tinder dates and even managed to get laid. But there’s still no connection made like we had, while that did help take my mind off her. After that, with no contact in between at all, i texted her:”Hey, i hope i didn’t make it too confusing last time, things are what they are and i accept that. Want to come to that party tonight?”. She responded rather positive and started sending me snaps again afterwards. While i don’t have genuine feelings for her, i do feel some sort of affection towards her, and like her as a friend as well. So i would really like to be able to just do things again like before, maybe be friends with some benefits like the cuddling. Everyone needs affection, that’s a fact. Thus, my problem is on how to handle this situation. Ive been friendzoned, that’s pretty much certain. But i feel it is because of her idea that im in love with her, and i don’t know how to proceed. I really want to tell her what i think of this, and hear her side for clarity. But i feel the more serious i’d get in on this “issue”, the more it would push her away. Maybe i should just stop giving her attention, somehow make know that im seeing other girls? Some people told me to not give a fuck, go chill with my friend at her dorm and then act more distant but play cool. I’m sorry for this wall of text, but i truly have difficulties with situations like these. I fucked up things like this in the pas a lot, simply by giving too many fucks i think. But this one is one that i really don’t want to let go like that. So, sorry for the long read, but im really looking forward to what you guys have to say about this. Don’t need the “you got friendzoned brah, move on”. Thanks.

    #742808 Reply

    She’s not that into you. That’s what she and her friend meant by she doesn’t feel any fire for you. That probably won’t change. She thinks you want more, because you do…you do want more, you want sex, you keep talking about the connection you have, when she really doesn’t feel the same for you. You agree to almost whatever she throws at you because you just want to be around her. The reason it went downhill When you got more intimate- she couldn’t fool herself or you that she had chemistry with you.
    Don’t be mad at her, it’s just not the right match.
    She’s been clear that she doesn’t feel the same. If she still wanted to cuddle, she’d hit you up, but she’s not. All the things she says, never saying never, those are things women have learned to say to let down guys easy, because sometimes people get crazy when you tell them no. She’s trying to be nice about it.
    Just let her go, man.
    Don’t play cool, or chill or whatever, just let it go. Smile and wave when you see her, but move on.

    #742809 Reply

    She doesn’t want to be cuddle buddies with you possibly because she’s met someone she had interest in, or knows that neither of you will move forward if you are stuck cuddling all the time. Sorry.

    #742811 Reply

    Well…you say you don’t need the you got friend zoned but uh…ya do. She’s made it really clear that she isn’t into a physical relationship with you. ‘No fire’ is code for ‘I don’t want to fuck him’. If you like this girl and want to be friends with her you should let go of the ‘everyone needs affection’ bit and just be her friend but you pretty clearly don’t want to do that. So my only real advice is to move on. Sorry, there isn’t some magic formula here.

    #742821 Reply

    She is being pretty darn clear. Move on. If something changes great but I always say that I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me! Don’t you!?

    #742832 Reply

    Half the world is women. Look it up-it’s true! Find one who is interested in you romantically rather than continuing to throw time and energy into one who has made clear that she isn’t.

    #742842 Reply

    I would never tell you that you got friendzoned because there is no such thing, that’s a bullshit excuse for what is actually just a lack of chemistry or interest on the woman’s part. Dudebros like to interpret it as some mythological placement in a zone where she can’t be interested in you even though you’re definitely a catch, rather than realize that they are not god’s gift to women and there are plenty of reasons a woman might not want to have sex or a relationship with you.

    What happened is that she is a person with opinions and desires and feelings and she decided that she doesn’t have the feelings she wants to have in order to continue a relationship with you. That’s it. Sorry, she’s just not that into you.

    #742845 Reply

    Do not pursue. You can’t make her feel chemistry. I’m sure she loves the companionship but you’re presence is comfortable like having a large dog in your bed.

    She probably doesn’t want to be tied down, best bet is to walk away.

    #742850 Reply

    So, you want advice, but we’re not allowed to give advice you don’t want to hear? It seems like that’s a theme here. You hear something, don’t like it, so you ignore it.

    She said she’s not interested. Sure, even if she thinks you’re cool and stuff, why would you want to be with someone who isn’t interested in being with you? Isn’t the point of a relationship and where the happiness comes from in it that you’re with someone who wants you as much as you want them? It sounds like she’s saying nice things to let you down easy.

    But regardless, if someone says they aren’t interested, move on. The movies might make it sound romantic to keep trying and trying, but a human being should be able to say, “no thank you” and have the other human being stop trying to date them.

    #742861 Reply

    This was really painful to read. It’s not a difficult situation at all – she’s not into you at all and is trying to be nice about it. Please leave her alone.

    #742961 Reply

    I second that emotion.

    #743221 Reply

    Dear hhans:

    She has been giving you conflicting messages, so you re confused, that is understandable. Either she has not been clear herself about what she wants (she told you that she never knows what she wants, correct, don’t remember the exact words she used), or at any one time, she was clear but wasn’t honest with you.

    People are not honest with others for all kinds of reasons. One is being afraid to say no, to bring about the anger of the one they reject.

    You, not knowing, make assumptions: maybe she thinks you are in love with her and that turned her off. So you try to appear cool. A few people told you tou to behave this or that way so to bring about her interest in you, suggesting that is, that you act manipulatively, dishonestly.

    I suggest that you aim at getting honest information from her. Ask her what you need to know in such a way that will increase the chances that she will answer honestly. Let her know in your tone of voice and words you choose, that she is safe telling you her truth.

    And be truthful with her. Who knows, maybe that will be so refreshing to her, so unusual in her experience, that she will become very interested in you, feeling closer to you. Maybe not, and then you can move on and choose a woman who will be honest with you. It will be nice to not be confused, to not guess, to not assume. And to not pretend.


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