December 5, 2018 at 11:55 am #811008
LOST IN FLMember
This is my first time here…really needing some advice. My best girlfriend has been dating this new guy for a couple months. She seems very happy. She has a 25 year old special needs son that this guy is “great with”, and he has been helping her out tremendously. I’m happy for her, however the guy has given me an uneasy feeling from the first time I met him. Yesterday she told me she might marry this guy…
We were both in the dating scene for quite some time…she’s in her mid 50’s and I’m in my late 40’s. We have a source we used before we met anyone out, which would give us information on any criminal records, bankruptcies, evictions, etc. I asked her when she first met him if she checked him out and she said she did and that he was good. After she told me she might marry the guy, last night I put him through our “checker” and found he has arrests and convictions for forgery, fraud, and identity theft, (7 years ago). I am wondering if she is ignoring this information, or if she really never checked. Do I tell her I ran him and what I found? I hate to be the “Debbie Downer” and also have her wonder why I am checking out her boyfriend in the first place. She is a professional woman and has a great job and is financially set, so I would hate to see her get taken advantage of. I also think her autistic son would be a target for identity theft because he’s never going to apply for credit anywhere, so if his identity gets stolen it may not be discovered for a long time.
I’m afraid if I confront her with this information and she already knows, she’s going to get mad. Perhaps she knows and has asked him about it and he has given her a BS excuse?
Any suggestions? Tell….don’t tell….how to bring up the subject without making her feel bad??? I am very concerned!
Thank you!December 5, 2018 at 12:16 pm #811011
Don’t tell. You say she routinely uses the same site as you do to check on dates, so she either already has this info (90% certainty) or has decided that she screened out too many guys that way and no longer cares, because she just wants a bf/husband above all else. In either case, you wouldn’t be pointing her to a new info source.December 5, 2018 at 12:17 pm #811012
No. She absolutely 100% has access to the same tool you used, you know that. You asked her if she checked him out, she said yes. You did your due diligence. Unfortunately it sounds like she knows this info and is ignoring it. By telling her you overstepped your bounds and checked up on him, you risk alienating her and reduce the chances that she’ll confide in you or come to you for help. I think you can keep expressing some degree of concern about marrying a guy she met so recently, give her Wendy’s list of topics to discuss before marriage, etc., but you can’t stop her from pursuing this. My aunt got married to an abuser she divorced 3 months later (and lost her previous alimony in the process). My mom was very clear that she didn’t think my aunt should marry this guy but she did anyway. At least it was brief and she still had my mom for support.December 5, 2018 at 12:26 pm #811013
You had no place to check to begin with. She is far old enough to do her research. Also, people can have pasta and change. Heck, the bank once threatened me with forgery because I signed a check I was on a joint account with my ex on because it was a check with just his name on it as it was issued before I was in it, and he handed me the check and asked me to do it. We had to talk to bank down essentially. Things can happen that aren’t as devious as you’d think. You don’t have all the info and it wasn’t your place to look into it to begin with.December 5, 2018 at 12:48 pm #811014
I’d ask if she did check him out. Does your source give you a print out or other proof? If you know where the arrests occurred you should be able to look online and see for yourself if it is true. This should all be a matter of public record. I’d print the public record and give it to her. If she marries him she will probably lose everything financially. I’d say something like I know you said you checked him out but I wonder if you know this and if you do I won’t say anything else. It’s your business who you decide to date and marry.
The odds are that she didn’t check him out but didn’t want to say so. He probably swept her off her feet and she felt that there couldn’t possibly be anything in the background of someone so wonderful. Sociopaths work that way. They are so charming that people love them instantly and feel no need to doubt them. That’s how they find victims.December 5, 2018 at 1:20 pm #811017
In my mind a friend has your back. You are her friend so you have her back.
I’d ask her if she feels that you have each other’s backs. If she says yes ask if she would want to know if you found out something that you feel could affect her. If she says yes then you tell her and show her. If she says no to either question then you say nothing.December 5, 2018 at 1:38 pm #811020
I get what Skyblossom is saying but I agree with the don’t tell camp. Having been on the receiving end of suppossedly”revelatory info that came “out of the blue”,I can tell you that your info may not be well received. It is tough one but I opt for minding your own business. However if she were to come to you with “concerns” about him,then you could suggest she Google him..December 5, 2018 at 2:31 pm #811030
I dunno. I’m usually on the MYOFB crowd but the identity theft and fraud convictions make me wonder if she’s in danger of being robbed/cheated. I’d probably say something or at least try to prompt her to check him out herselfDecember 5, 2018 at 2:54 pm #811032
If you don’t tell her, and she gets her identity or life savings stolen, are you going to feel like you did the right thing keeping your mouth shut?December 5, 2018 at 2:58 pm #811034
@NorthernStar – if the friend “did a check” and says she’s good, what’s it to the friend to question her? Did the friend even find the right person? Did we not learn our lesson from Meet the Parents?December 5, 2018 at 3:12 pm #811036
Right, she actually didn’t keep her mouth shut, she went as far as asking if the friend had checked, and the friend said she had. If she’d said, “no, I haven’t,” I think the LW could say, oh, huh, why not? You checked all your other dates, haha” or something.December 5, 2018 at 3:13 pm #811037
If my best friend was dating someone I got an uneasy feeling about—and I genuinely thought he was likely to steal her life savings or identity because that gut reaction led to hard evidence—I would say something. Better for her to be mad at me (and potentially question this guy) than blissfully ignorant for awhile and then a victim.
I think it’s VERY likely the woman didn’t actually run a check because she trusted the boyfriend immediately.