December 5, 2018 at 3:52 pm #811042
Geez, this is tough. I think my answer would depend on which friend of mine this was. I have a few friends that I’ve known for decades and really are like part of my family. We know each other so well that I’d have a pretty good idea if they were telling the truth about having checked this guy out, or if they knew and had decided they didn’t care. And yes, I would tell them, and while it might be awkward, I think they’d understand that I was doing it out of concern.
I have some other friends that I don’t know quite as well or as long, and I don’t think I’d tell them.
And FWIW, I’d definitely want to be told if a friend came across something like this.December 5, 2018 at 3:55 pm #811043
I think you could tell her if you feel very strongly about it, but be prepared for her to be embarrassed, pissed off, and to marry the guy anyway and potentially step back from your friendship.December 5, 2018 at 4:04 pm #811044
I mean, the chances of her saying, “omg thank you so much, I had no idea and I will break it off with him” are slim to none. At least you could feel like you did all you could, but the outcome may not be what you want.December 5, 2018 at 4:11 pm #811045
I’m usually on Team MYOB, but if it was one of my best friends, I’d tell. I’d probably say something like, I know you said you checked, but I couldn’t shake my feeling that something is off about this guy + I know I overstepped and I’m sorry + I am concerned + here is what I found out. As one of her closest friends, I think you have an idea of how she’d react, which I’d think would be helpful in crafting how you approach it. If this guy makes you uncomfortable, I imagine your friendship has the potential to change pretty drastically whether you do or don’t tell.
If you decide to tell, though, make sure you are 100% sure that the guy whose record you found is the right guy. Some names are very common, some common names have different spellings. If you’re not 100% sure, definitely MYOB.December 5, 2018 at 4:13 pm #811046
LW, are you for sure that the person you did the background check on is the guy she is dating?? I would triple check to make sure. I would say in your case I would tell my friend what I had found but I think you will have to approach this with ease. After all she is your best friend and this is one of those scenerios of having someones back. I think it would be more beneficial to get the specific police reports and mug shot of this guy to be 100% certain. That way she can know the specific details of tue crime and for fact see his mug shot. You could tell her that you had this uncertainty which prompt you to go digging and that just in case you wanted her to be well aware of who this person was. Then tell her that you respect her decision on whether or not she wants to pursue this guy and that no matter what you will awlays be there for her. Then drop it. If this is true about this guy then you have some great points to be concerned. At 50 it is very hard to come back from a financial set back esp. When you are near retirement and have invested life savings at this point. I do think you should say something if you are 100% sure of his criminal past.December 5, 2018 at 4:14 pm #811047
I’m typically not team MYOB – I’m cynical and suspicious by nature. I almost hired a PI under similar circumstances but that would have totally been out of bounds and would have put other people in the center of the mess. Did not want that outcome.
But… you asked. She confirmed. She may be lying. @Copa’s approach is best but I think @kate‘s right that this will not go over well.
This is one of those situations where if it happens, you play dumb and say “But I asked you if you checked?” sometimes you have to let adults be adults.December 5, 2018 at 4:25 pm #811049
Anyone listened to the Dirty John podcast? As this definitely reminds me of it.
Oh you could either send her the podcast or have it on when she comes over and discuss it? I am normally in the mind your own business camp, but for the son. That fact worries me.December 5, 2018 at 4:40 pm #811050
Dirty John was fascinating! Deb was infuriatingly stupid, and proof that even when there are many red flags flying in your face and other very obvious neon light signs that something is very wrong, some people will choose not to see them. Like Deb. Even so, John must’ve been charming because it seemed like he’d conned a lot of women over the years.December 5, 2018 at 4:44 pm #811051
I’m watching the show so don’t ruin it haha.December 5, 2018 at 4:52 pm #811052
I’m with Copa. But maybe also stress you’ll support her now matter if she stays with the guy or not. I’d want to know. And I might even get defensive at first, but then I’d likely check him out again and then make a decision.December 5, 2018 at 5:04 pm #811053
I’m not sure what kind of “checker” you’re using, but it’s probably also worth considering that you don’t know the full story of an incident.
My bf and I looked up his county record one day — the offenses are from when was young and stupid and also weren’t identity theft or fraud related, so it’s a bit different — and if I’d just seen the list of charges without context, I’d have paused even though they were from like 15-20 years ago.December 5, 2018 at 7:00 pm #811056
I’m usually on team MYOB, but in this case I’m leaning towards telling.
What worries me in this situation is that these are very recent charges. These weren’t foolish mistakes from his teens or twenties, before his brain was fully developed, this was 7 years ago, when he was a grown adult who should have known better.
If it were one of my dear friends, and I truly believed she and her family were at risk for fraud/identity theft, I would take the chance that she’d get upset with me. If she was someone I loved, I’d value her well-being and financial security over our friendship.