December 5, 2018 at 8:51 pm #811057
I would triple check to be positive it’s him and then tell her. Be gentle, apologize for going behind her back, and assure her that if she already knows or if she decides to continue with him that you will stfu and never mention it again. The only other thing I would suggest you tell her is to lock her and her son’s credit so no new lines can be opened. Best friends tell when there’s this level of potential harm. Let us know what you decide/how it turns out.December 5, 2018 at 10:36 pm #811061
Who are these best friends that get mad when a friend is just looking out for them? If it was a casual friend I might not tell. If it was a casual friend I wouldn’t look it up, frankly. But my best friend? I’m telling. I’m confirming my source and I’m telling. And she will either not know and say wtf or already know and say yeah I know. I’d tell her be careful and maybe check out lifelock. And then I’d show her a video of a baby elephant if she didn’t want to talk about it. A con man is no joke. There is nothing to fear in the truth. Reality is always preferable to illusion particularly when there are children involved.December 6, 2018 at 2:42 am #811067
If this was my best friend id tell her and warn her out of love and id want my best friend to do the same. That’s what love and friendship is. I understand she has been told she background checked this guy already but how thorough and reliable is the site they are checking. The best place to obtaim the correct information is the polcie department and courts and if the state offers resources online of criminal history reports. It might cost them a slight fee to obtain records but better that then their life savings.December 6, 2018 at 6:43 am #811073
The thing is, I’ve never seen anyone, on here or irl, find out something shocking about her boyfriend’s past and then actually break up with him. Women don’t. They might agonize over it a little or a lot, but they stay. There’s a woman who writes in here WEEKLY (this is probably her while she’s on vacation in Florida) about her super sketchy bf who committed fraud several years ago and is still up to all kinds of bs. They always want to believe the guy. If you do tell, you should assume that’s what will happen. And make it clear that you’ll let it go and not say I told you so.December 6, 2018 at 8:38 am #811082
This is why I say stay out of it. Or do some very manipulative dancing into the subject. The friend has the tools, decided to not use it or not accept it. If the OP comes on strong and says “hey -your bf is a crook!” the friend is going to dump the OP. And then if worse comes to worst, feel like she can’t come back to the OP from sheer humiliation.
OP -if you want to say something, then I suggest having a stupid backstory about why you investigated him. Like you were sitting at home with a bottle of wine and you were thinking about people you hadn’t thought about in years from your home town and you went on a spree and you put in your friends new BF and did you know there’s a guy with the same information and same age and he has a record of fraud and identity theft? And you hope your friends’ BF isn’t stopped for speeding or something because damn!
But put in a few people you know from ages ago to give yourself enough details that your story is believable.
She still won’t believe you though. But maybe if you approach it as “he has the same name as a criminal!!” maybe it will wiggle it’s way into her brain.December 6, 2018 at 10:55 am #811107
I can’t imagine knowing something that could blow up and seriously hurt my best friend—and keeping it from her. It would be lying to her face through omission every time I talked with her because I would obviously be avoiding the topic.
I would feel the same way if I knew her husband was having an affair, too. I do not agree with everyone who advises people to keep their mouths shut at all times when it comes to a best friend—because I love her and don’t want her hurt and humiliated.December 6, 2018 at 11:38 am #811114
Are you sure it’s him?
And you asked her if she checked, she said she did. I don’t think I’m myob business for this case, but the fact is, you already didn’t mind your business and did your job as a good friend by alerting her that she should look into this guy. She either did and is fine with what she found/talked it over with him, or she willfully doesn’t want to know. You pushing her is only going to drive her further away.December 6, 2018 at 11:46 am #811119
I’m with Northern Star. My best friend is my sister from another mister. We’ve been friends for 36 years out of 38–there’s no way I would keep something like this from her. Especially with a special needs kid in the mix. His entire future security could be wiped out if this guy turns out to be a scum bag. That’s a risk worth outing regardless of a ‘shoot the messenger’ scenario being a possibility.December 6, 2018 at 12:54 pm #811131
Ultimately LW, do what you need to do. If you need to tell her to have a clean conscience, then tell her.
My only point is, be prepared that she already knows or that she explicitly doesn’t want to know, and there may be repercussions for your friendship.
But it sounds like you feel the risk of this guy on her life outweighs that potential, so then do what you gotta do.December 6, 2018 at 1:25 pm #811135
If she says nothing to her friend and then the guy steals everything the friend has saved and then the friend finds out through the source that does background checks that the LW knew well before any marriage the friendship will be over. I think it is highly likely that if he steals her money the friend will then find out that the LW knew and she will be hurt and end the relationship. She may end it over the information but she would really end it over the lack of information. If and when the friend begins to wonder about her boyfriend/perhaps husband and finally does do the check through the source the source could easily tell her that the LW checked it out already and say they assumed she knew. I think the friend would rightly feel betrayed and let down and that the LW was never a real friend.December 6, 2018 at 8:30 pm #811179
My assumption is that she did check and chose to ignore it. It seems unlikely she’d lie about checking him out unless she knew there was a reason to lie, right? If she didn’t actually look him up, then why wouldn’t she just say, “No, I don’t do that anymore” or “I trust him.” The easiest way to reassure the LW and not lead to the LW looking him up herself is to say that, yes, she checked and he’s fine.
That doesn’t necessarily inform my opinion on how to handle it, but this is where I can see how somebody might get mad at their friend for looking out for them. If they purposely ignore the info and lie about knowing it, then they are really deep into the denial and people get defensive when someone tries to drag them out of it.
I think you’ve gotta just weigh the risk. Do you feel this is important enough that she might get mad at you (however irrationally)?December 6, 2018 at 9:55 pm #811180
I mean people dump their friends all the time if they feel they are being forced to choose. Assumedly the friend knows his history and she has either decided she wants to live with it or she’s denying it. She says wants to marry this guy. She might react poorly if her friend tries to challenge the perception she’s decided to believe of this guy.
I’m not saying that’s for sure going to happen, I’m not advising the OP to shit it, but there is a risk here. And frankly I think the OP knows that, that’s why she’s writing in.
Morally, she may have to say something to live with herself. But it may alter or end her friendship. It could happen.