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Disposable wife

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This topic contains 25 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Sue Jones 5 days, 11 hours ago.

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  • #752534 Reply
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    Shannon

    So my husband Tom and I have been together for 5 years now and married for two. I moved overseas to be with him in Australia 3.5 years ago and now we are thinking of relocating to my home town. Long story short but he has quite bad anger issues but does blame it mostly on me and i can say things to piss him off. We were at a bar today just bickering about something and i said to him your only in your 20s you dont know everything yet. He took that as a personal humiliation in public nad at home shattered his ohone, screamed, threw things and said he was done with me. Its not the first time he has dome this. He threatens the relationship when he mad, when ive done something wrong very often and i feel so small. j beg him to reconsider its like he is the person thats my family. He ices me out when he is mad and leaves me to wonder about the end because he said he is getting a divorce. I dont know what to do i love him so much but this lack of stability is really upsetting and hurtful.

    #752537 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    All right, the answer is to leave him, download divorce papers online, file them, and move back to your hometown to restart your life. You made a mistake. You married the wrong guy. It’s okay. I say this as someone who got married and divorced in my 20s (NOT that my ex ever made me feel unsafe or threatened me) and went on to have other relationships before meeting a guy who’s a perfect fit for me and remarrying in my 30s.

    But since I know you’re not ready to do that yet… have you told him that you feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he yells and screams and throws and breaks things and threatens divorce? That you can’t live like this? That your marriage is in deep trouble and if he wants to save it he needs to see a counselor with you because this is unsustainable and not okay? That you will need to leave him if he can’t control his anger or stop threatening divorce? If you haven’t said all that, you must. If he’s willing to go to counseling, give that a try if you feel you have to, just do you can tell yourself you tried.

    But honestly your best option is just to leave now. This guy is volatile and dangerous and you have a bad marriage that you need to move on from. This isn’t what it’s meant to be like.

    #752538 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    PS, it sounds like he wants out, actually. He doesn’t seem like he wants to be in this marriage but he won’t actually pull the trigger on divorce. A lot of guys won’t. He knows you moved there to be with him, and he’s probably hoping if he’s enough of an asshole you’ll take the initiative and leave him. Can you just acknowledge that the marriage was a mistake and that even if you feel love for him that doesn’t mean this bad relationship should continue?

    #752551 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    This is classic abusive behavior. He controlled himself in public and then blew up in anger at home. He is using you as the excuse for his own problems and failings. It is easy to explode at you and make it all your fault.

    This stands out, ” when ive done something wrong very often.”

    Unless you are cheating on him or going to work late every day or doing something equally life impacting you aren’t doing anything wrong. Forgetting to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home or not getting the right beer or any other trivial thing that happens in life isn’t doing something wrong.

    Absolutely, don’t have a baby with him.

    He has you buying into the idea that you do wrong things and then he can’t help himself but act out in rage. This will escalate. It always does. Sooner or later it will be your things that he breaks and sooner or later it will be you being injured.

    You need to leave. Don’t tell him you are leaving because that might precipitate rage that injures you. Make your plans and when he isn’t home you leave.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Skyblossom Skyblossom.
    #752553 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Everything Kate said. I hope you just pack up, leave, and then file. He sounds unstable and potentially dangerous. I’m sure there are good things between you but they aren’t enough to outweigh anger issues and what sounds like verbal abuse to me.

    #752590 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    This is not going to be a successful marriage. You can either wait around and be unhappy for years and postpone the inevitable, or you can split up now and not have to deal with being screamed at/devalued.

    #752594 Reply
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    Oracle

    Stop drinking. Then you will see things more clearly. You need to leave and as quickly as you can as in yesterday.

    #752598 Reply
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    Hazel

    I agree with everyone else, this will probably only get worse- try couples counselling if you want to give it one last chance, talking things out together with a clear eyed stranger can really help you see where you are. Oracle, apart from having been in a bar yesterday (with no mention of what was being drunk, could have been Coke for all we know) I don’t think it is fair to project a drinking problem onto the LW, unless there is something here I am missing.

    #752604 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The combination of him throwing things at home while being in self-control in public and placing the blame on you for damaging things, if only you could be a better person he wouldn’t have to be so angry, are hallmark signs of an abusive man. His anger is directed toward controlling you and making you feel that you aren’t a good person. He is making you feel that you are at fault for what he does. This is a situation that will get worse and you need to leave as soon as you can.

    If you say the “wrong” thing in public he has to go home and rage. If he says something similar in public he will assume you deserved it and you won’t go home and rage. When someone reaches the point that they are damaging things at home you need to leave. Sooner or later they will begin to attack you.

    #752610 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Skyblossom makes a great point. You made him angry but he was able to control it until it was just the two of you. He knows that irrational behavior is unacceptable in front of his friends. He knows if he threw his phone in anger at the bar and said “You hurt my feelings” his friends would say “Mate, you’re crazy. Chill the fuck out.” And I’m sure his friends make fun of him all the time. That’s what guys do.

    While I think Kate has a point about making you miserable – I think he’s got a fragile male ego and unrealistic expectations of how relationships work. He can’t accept that you might criticize him or accept that you have a mind independent of his and you don’t know what he’s thinking, what will strike that nerve and he’s got everything you’re doing under a microscope for offense. It’s like he’s hit BEC (Bitch eating crackers) stage with you – he just doesn’t want to be the one to pull the plug.

    Either drag his ass to marital counseling or leave. You can’t live like you’re living.

    #752615 Reply
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    Shannon

    Hi everyone,
    Thanks so much for your feedback and responses. It is so clear that my intuition is going crazy that I have this bad gut feeling that things are wrong. After the big blow out, he said that i should have left him alone and given him his space and he wouldn’t have freaked out. I do have a bad habit of sometimes pushing his buttons (my mom told me this too when i talked to her about it). Also about the alcohol, we had 1 beer and had lunch at the bar/brewery and my typos were from typing and crying at the same time.

    I feel very conflicted because on one hand I agree with everyone that someone that loves you does not treat you like this and this is a toxic environment. On the other hand he acts like nothing happened the next day, which i did bring up with him. I feel like i have PTSD the days after and am full of anxiety. On the other hand he does have great qualities and we surprisingly do get along well. One thing to mention is his dad was very angry with him, and an alcoholic, which makes me scared because it seems to normalise treating women or your partner like shit. I have asked him to go to counseling and he has been resistant as he seems to think it is all because i push his buttons and these situations would otherwise be avoided. I will try again to ask him to go together because I think it is the only way to have a small shot at salvaging things. Another point to say is part of me thinks he wants out, but then why does he make all these future plans with me, and also call me if i don’t answer or miss me after I’m away for a day. It is literally the real life Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

    #752616 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “It is so clear that my intuition is going crazy that I have this bad gut feeling that things are wrong.“

    Yeah, your gut is correct.

    That’s classic bullshit about how it’s your fault he blew up. Oldest line in the book. Uh no, it’s his fault for not being able to control himself.

    Yes, someone that loves you CAN treat you like shit. Are you familiar with how abusive relationships work? Please read up on the topic if not. This is a kind of love, but a bad, toxic, harmful kind.

    Yes, abusers act like nothing happened in between episodes. Yes, they have some good qualities and you feel a connection when they’re not abusing you. Yes, walking on eggshells is common and a really bad sign.

    No, this is not your fault. Yes, you need to leave him if he refuses counseling.

    Please educate yourself about abuse. You can’t afford to be willfully ignorant.

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