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Dear Wendy

Divorce and moving on

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  • #870042 Reply
    avatarphantompilot1975
    Participant

    My wife and I separated some time ago and we’ve been good friends since however she wants a divorce which is fair enough but I still love her. Is it unreasonable to ask that we go separate ways as I think i’d find it easier to cope and move on? I can’t cope with the thought of still being friends knowing how I feel.

    #870059 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Just tell her that going your separate ways and not trying to remain friends is what you feel you must do. This is not a subject for negotiation, it is something you have every right to do unilaterally and if you feel this will allow you to put your life back together better and faster, then you would be foolish not to do this. She doesn’t get a say on this.

    #870069 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    You definitely need space to move on! Tell her kindly and compassionately: “I’m going to take some space to process everything and rebuild my new normal. I hope eventually we can be friends, but right now I need to cut contact.” Thank her for all the good that came from your marriage and give whatever you’re comfortable with in terms of a communication timeline: coffee in a year to catch up? Emails every few months? Texts once a week? Whatever boundary feels healthy for you, set it and stick to it. (If you have kids, that’s obviously different.) good luck!

    #870092 Reply
    avatarphantompilot1975
    Participant

    Thank you Ron and MaltaKano the last time we went down this road she was making out I was being unreasonable which made me second guess my motives, intentions and everything else. Hence asking for a second opinion. I know in my heart it will be much harder and detrimental to me trying to hold on to nothing than looking at a fresh and clean chapter and ultimately a new start!

    #870107 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Unless you have kids, there is no reason to even stay in contact. I had an amicable divorce without kids, and we haven’t talked in years. It’s fine. Hell of a nice guy, hell of a funny guy, but we don’t need to be friends.

    #870109 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, she doesn’t get to decide you’re not the right husband but you should stick around and be her BFF. Nah sis.

    #870116 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.
    Guest

    It’s not unreasonable to want space and distance. You have it easier than most because there are no children, and therefore no reason to stay in contact. Even a friendly divorce is something you need to process and move on from. It’s a big event in your life. I agree that it will be easier to move on if you get a divorce and cut contact. If in the future you feel that you can be friends (and you want that) then you can reach out to her, but don’t feel guilty if that never happens. Staying friends with an ex is a nice goal, but it’s not mandatory.

    #870189 Reply
    avatard2
    Participant

    You need the time and space to process to move on. If she doesn’t respect that, then she wasn’t friendship material anyway.

    #870260 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I agree with the group, if spending time with her or having her in your life makes you miserable, then you have the right to stop being miserable.

    if she is truly a friend then she would not want you to be miserable. She doesn’t get to tell you what you’re feeling, how long your feelings take to process or when you’re ship has righted.

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