Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

divorce and waiting

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  • #1032102 Reply

    Ill try to keep this short, even though it feels like forever.

    Ive been divorced for 3 years now, but apart for almost 5. During the beginning of my separation I started dating a man who was also in the beginning stages of his divorce (we previously knew each other for years) That relationship really put me through some trauma, because he was almost never available and going though a tremendous amount of his own personal struggles (rightfully so). But he would be very hot and cold I kept waiting for him to be ready and it just continued to feel very drug out and in slow motion. My ex-husband and I knew we weren’t right for each other and went through the process fairly quickly all things considering. My boyfriends divorce did not go that way at all.

    About a year and a half ago, I was fed up with his stagnancy and the way he was behaving, so I broke off the relationship. It was immensely painful because I was very much in love with him, and he was with me, the timing just did not seem to be right and my needs were not getting met in that relationship. I went to therapy and have been working though my feelings for him.

    We keep in touch minimally, but a few months ago I started seeing someone else who is available and good to me. But my ex-boyfriend reached out recently and updated me on his divorce and how its finalized and that he did everything that was necessary for us to be able to have a relationship etc.

    I now feel very anxious about what to do. This man who I love very much is finally telling me that he is available right after I began the process of moving on from him. All I ever wanted was to be with him, but I’m scared that the relationship is not going to meet my needs like before but him and I share a tremendous amount of history and connection, unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. I also don’t want to hurt the guy I am with, so I just feel very confused and scared about how to manage this.

    Not so short, I guess.

    Thanks for reading. Any advice will be appreciated. 🙂

    • This topic was modified 4 weeks ago by avatarDear Wendy.
    #1032132 Reply

    Are you in an exclusive relationship now? It sounds like it could be early enough that you should explore both relationships. Maybe one will lead to long-term, maybe neither will, but I would date them both and see where it takes you.

    #1032134 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    Personally, I always find it pretty suspect when someone suddenly realizes that they’re ready for a relationship as soon you’ve started seeing someone else.

    #1032136 Reply

    PTL — she should be able to confirm when ex’s divorce became final.

    #1032139 Reply

    I agree, PTL. The jerks always come back when they suddenly realize you might have found someone else.

    #1032141 Reply

    Yeah, when people show you who they are you should believe them. This guy didn’t prioritize you or give you what you needed, and was apparently fine with losing you over that. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and I’d weight that really heavily here. Unless you’re lukewarm about your current partner you’re risking a lot of heartache going back to the first guy.

    #1032142 Reply

    The risk for misery is high. Why take that risk when you’ve finally moved on?

    #1032171 Reply

    I suppose in some universe it’s possible that this guy has fully moved on, done the work in therapy to deal with all his baggage, and is now available and ready to be the man you need him to be, but it’s incredibly unlikely. What’s 99% going to happen is you have a reunion with sex and brief illusory honeymoon phase, and then the old problems start to pop back up and you lose all the ground you gained when you moved on.

    Do not recommend.

    #1032173 Reply

    We met in 2016, through a mutual friend, I cheated on him in the beginning of the relationship, I was 18, and having fun , he was my first relationship. So end of 2016 we break up, he talks to someone else. 2017 we get back together I end up pregnant. I move away to work and save money for to be able to take care of the baby. He was supposed to do the same but he just used the time to have fun. He hasn’t had any real money since 2016. It’s 2021 now. I used these past 5 years to go to school and get a career, so I can afford to have our own home . He can not afford any major bills, and he doesn’t save he buys clothes & accessories. Am I supposed to continue to pay all the major bills ? I don’t even enjoy his company but I’m paying for him to live with me. I like seeing my son everyday though , and daycare is expensive. All of the arguments start with him yelling at me because he doesn’t have money. I was understanding at first, but it’s been 3 years and he hasn’t tried any other ways to make money. I would like someone who can at least hold up their end. There are even men who pay everything. I’m just trying to figure out how long is he going to be okay with being broke ?

    #1032174 Reply

    Jane, can you start a new post please from the Advice forum rather than posting on someone else’s thread? You’re more likely to get advice that way.

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