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Divorce/Custody

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  • #967521 Reply
    avatarRacheal Robinson
    Guest

    Hello everyone. Hopefully this will make sense to others as I am not only looking for advice, but also needing to know whether or not my recent choices were for the better good. My husband and I recently separated. We officially separated back in April of this year, and we were still living together up until September when I finally took my chance to leave. What led to that was a lot of lying and deception. He cheated more than once, and I’ll admit after he made his choices I had a couple of people talk to me. I was very lonely. Anyway, we have a 4 year old little boy who is amazing. Since his dad refused to leave the home due to the environment being super toxic I took the sacrifice of leaving, which included me leaving my son with him. I left the state to come back home to begin my life elsewhere in order to be able to get my son down here with me. Now we have no legal papers filed for anything. Still legally married so I know I have every legal right to bring my son down here whenever I am ready. His dad makes it out like I have abandoned my child when I felt I had no choice but to leave. I had no family or friends where we were, and he had everyone that we did know, which were his friends, thinking I am this horrible person. I am currently in a relationship that he does know about. I’m just so tired or him putting me down saying that I only left for my own selfish reasons when I didn’t. I want my son down here so bad that it kills me inside that I’m not waking up to him here with me. I was with my son for over 4 years, and was the primary caregiver during that time. I just knew it would if looked so much worse if I had decided to just bring my son with me when I left not having my own home at the time. So I made the sacrifice, and left him with his dad in the apartment that I had got for him. The place was originally mine, but I added him to the lease so I wasn’t able to just force him out. I keep hitting a depression more often now. Just ready to have my baby with me again. Has anyone else been in a situation like this or knows someone who has?

    #967534 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You need to immediately get advice from a good divorce lawyer. You should have done that before you moved out and left your child behind.

    #967537 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I don’t really understand. I feel like we’re missing a big chunk of information. It goes from

    “father and I am getting divorced” to “I moved out because of environment being super toxic” to “I moved very far away”.

    What do you mean by the environment was super toxic? How did that cause you to move so far away?

    Without knowing these factors it’s difficult to say if this was the right move or not.

    Regardless of the answer, Ron is right, this likely calls for a good divorce attorney’s intervention.

    #967538 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, I think you didn’t go about this in the best, most rational way. You should have talked to a lawyer as soon as your husband wouldn’t move out. You really need to talk to a divorce lawyer now. I don’t know if, or how much, you hurt your case by moving away, leaving your son with your husband, and jumping into a new relationship, but you need a legal separation, a divorce, and a custody agreement. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s willing to work with you on that, so you’re going to need help. Unless you’re willing to give up your son, don’t keep doing what you’re doing. Call a lawyer.

    #967543 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    A lot of what you’re saying doesn’t add up, and I would think it wouldn’t add up for a judge either.
    1. If you didn’t have your own home to go to, where did you go? Why wouldn’t that place have accommodated your son?
    2. Did this move put you closer to your new boyfriend, by any chance? That is not gonna look good at all.
    3. You do not in fact have “every legal right” to move your son to another state away from his father, without a written agreement to do so. Where are you getting these ideas?
    4. If you have drawn up no papers and were still living together until September, then you did not “separate” in April. Just because y’all call it that doesn’t make it so legally.
    5. If you want your son so badly, why aren’t you taking any action to make that happen? If you aren’t capable of caring for him where you are, then he needs to stay with his father, who (I HOPE!!!) is capable of caring for him.
    6. Your husband has good standing to contest any action you take to get custody of your son, because you did in fact leave your son. YOU NEED A LAWYER.

    I’m not too sure what you want the board to advise. Yes, you made some poor decisions, but there may be time to fix them IF YOU SEE A LAWYER.

    #967546 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    If you can’t afford a lawyer …
    go to the legal aid office of your city
    or
    call the bar association in your state and ask for help.

    If they can’t help you, then ask them who can. Don’t hang up until you get another resource to try.

    #967550 Reply
    avatarRacheal
    Guest

    What I mean by toxic is his father was emotionally abusive and it was constant fighting between us. He had another woman in my home around my son, which is going to cause any wife to go nuts. I’m currently staying with my friend who I’ve known for years while I put the money back for a place, and will have my deposit and such within the next month. I came back to my home state since this is where I have the most support. The home where my son is now I had established for him and it was me taking care of it. I’m still paying bills up there towards that. My husband wasn’t putting in his full effort being a parent with me. I already know it was a risky move. I didn’t move to just get out of my responsibilities. Do I feel me doing that forced my husband to grow up more as a parent? Yes. He has two other kids with his ex wife who he pays child support on, and never sees or talks to. Only reason he is doing what he is now is because he was given no choice. I would of been able to bring my son with me, but because legally his dad was able to tell me no I went ahead and removed myself to where my son wasn’t seeing all the fighting. This is where I planned on coming for us to settle, but at the time of those plans my son’s father was coming as well. Since we separated I went with the plan and came myself. Now I’m just getting everything set up for my son. I use the term separated since that’s what his dad has always said. I know we are still married in the eyes of the law. I am already looking to speak with an attorney. His father keeps asking me when I will have my place secure so I can go pick up our son and bring him here with me because he plans on moving himself.

    #967580 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Well, the good news is that as a shameless and rather pathetic deadbeat dad… he probably won’t want full custody. (In theory…)

    The bad? I wouldn’t expect much financial support. Whatever you do… no more kids. No, seriously. No matter how fabulous this new guy is… PUMP the FUCKING brakes. Literally… Trust me… You already have enough on your collapsing paper plate as it is.

    See a lawyer. Right away. Without delay.

    #967639 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    So when will you have your place secure and pick up your son? That seems pretty simple to do. Especially if you’re paying your husband’s bills.

    And yes, it’s not your legal right to move your son out of the state his father lives.

    You say you’re “already looking to speak to a lawyer.” WTF does that mean? Have you called different offices? Have you made appointments? Have you actually spoken to a lawyer?

    If you actually want to be legally separated or divorced- you have to take the steps to do so. If you want to be the legal guardian of your son with full custody- you need a lawyer to file paperwork and fight for you. You’ve done not much in the way of that, since September, or April. Why?

    And yes, it does look bad that you abandoned your son and left him with his father. But you think he doesn’t want him, so maybe that won’t happen.

    Yes, sorry to repeat what everyone has already said, but the first step is contacting a lawyer, not just thinking about it and putting it off for months.

    And pump the brakes on the new relationship. If you did move in with him, you should really get your own place. Your son needs a stable home and you should be focusing on him, reconnecting with him, helping him if he now has abandonment issues- instead of working on a relationship.

    Your first and most important responsibility is to your young son, and to put his needs first. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Do what is best for him.

    #967737 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “My husband wasn’t putting in his full effort being a parent with me.”

    And so you left your son with him?! WHY?

    Honestly, you should not be seeing anyone right now while your life is so volatile. Your first priority should be getting your son into a stable situation, and that most definitely will require all of your attention.

    I feel so sorry for this little boy. Each parent wants the other parent to take him in. Just so sad.

    #967875 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, he may not be a great parent (which, yeah, why did you leave your son there then?) or want the child, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to make things really difficult for you out of spite. Talk to a lawyer tomorrow. The consultation might be free.

    #968062 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    “. My husband wasn’t putting in his full effort being a parent with me. I already know it was a risky move. I didn’t move to just get out of my responsibilities. Do I feel me doing that forced my husband to grow up more as a parent? Yes. He has two other kids with his ex wife who he pays child support on, and never sees or talks to. Only reason he is doing what he is now is because he was given no choice.”

    This is really disgusting and totally counterproductive to your efforts to gain sole custody and court permission to move your son to another state. This really reads as if a big motive in your leaving, without doing the legal work to get custody/court permission to move with your son, was simply to spite your husband: ‘forced my husband to grow up more as a parent’. WTF. You can’t force a man who, in your view and based on his relationship with kids from a prior relationship, to grow up and be a good father. He can still do virtually diddly squat as a parent, while emotionally abusing your son. You think you are teaching your husband a lesson, but the person who’s paying a steep price here is your son. Guess what: if your husband was an awful parent before you left, it’s 99% certain he is an awful parent today. The bid difference: your son has lost your parenting support and emotional comfort and protection from his father.

    SEE A LAWYER MONDAY! YOU HAVE SABOTAGED YOUR LEGAL POSITION. By postponing seeing a lawyer, you continue to harm your position. You had better hope that your husband will be thrilled to pick up your son and take him out of state, because if he decides to screw with you on custody, you have given him a golden set of facts to lay before the judge. You tell us what an awful, uninvolved father he is. A judge will reply that this couldn’t possibly be true, because no fit mother would abandon her child to his care and move far away. You love your son and care for his welfare. But you abandoned him. You abandoned him without any legal effort to keep him.

    Any reasonable person will ask why you had to move far away. Why you didn’t take the obvious choice of staying with state, even if that meant living in a women’s shelter while prosecuting legal action.

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