Tagged: To Know vs To Learn
August 19, 2021 at 11:35 am #1096787MaddyGuest
I am currently in the processing of divorcing my husband and I am so very lost and looking for any advice/ direction. A little backstory- My husband and I have been married for 4 hours together for 8. We just recently had a baby, and I have reached my breaking point, and I filed for divorce. I filed for divorce because I was unhappy with the way I was being treated, and unhappy with my life, and I wanted change. Prior to us having our son I begged him to sell our house the remodeling of the home was coming between us and causing arguments I was sure that if we sold the home that we could make it through. He told me no we cannot sell the home.
Prior to filing for divorce I wrote my husband a letter explaining to him that I was nearing this point and things needed to change or I would be leaving. He took no head, kept the letter for a couples days and then during our next argument ripped up the letter in front of my face.
I feel I have been wronged a lot in our relationship- my husband has stolen pain medications from me, as well as my father, I feel like he completely abandoned me while I was pregnant and spent almost all of his time working on projects. Additionally he spent the majority of his maternity leave working on projects. The birth of our son was pretty traumatic I had an emergency C-section and a blood transfusion. While in the hospital recovering my husband turned my IV off because it was beeping to loud and the nurses were taking to long. My first week home from the hospital I was doing all household chores that I was not supposed to be doing because he was always working on something else and was not helping me with our son. When my husband returned to work he informed me that also would not be waking up in the middle of the night to feed our son as directed by our DR to feed every three hours because he had to work in the morning and I was the one on maternity.
I explained to my husband that I felt like he completely abandoned me and was not there for me when I needed him. I told him I wanted an apology his apology consisted of “I’m sorry you feel that I was not there for you, but I was there.” Since returning to work after the birth of my son, and asking for his apology things have gotten progressively worse between the two of us. I began sleeping on the floor in my sons room, we stopped talking, we stopped communicating. Any and all conversations consisted of us yelling at one another. Conversations are not productive as he refuses to see the wrong he has done, and places all blame on me.
His major arguments/ issues are that I am too controlling, and all I do is make him work on things, and I am mean to him. I have admitted I am controlling and bossy that is my personality, and I have told him I am working on it. However when he comes home from work he hides outside all night saying that he doesn’t want to hang around me because I am such an unpleasant person. He is not allowing me an opportunity to show that I am changing. Our home is old and is a fixer upper it needs a lot of work. Recently I came into some money due to a personal injury settlement, and I have offered to take that money and use it to pay someone to fix our home because I NEED HIM, and we need to work on us and he refusing to allow me to do this. I look at this as him choosing the home over me/ our son, and that he must not really care because if he did why would he not take me up on this offer. He says he works so hard on the house to show that he loves us, and I tell him repeatedly that I NEED HIM AND HIS TIME, still he refuses.
My issues with him are that he is always working on things, and things are not being finished, also the way he treats me and disrespects me. He treats me as if nothing I do matters. Some things he tells me on a regular basis is that I am controlling and I have no friends and that is why no one likes me only my family likes me, I have no empathy (however I am social worker), that I am controlling, and bossy, he insists I am a narcissist, however I really do believe him to be… he tells me that everything we have is because of him and all his hard work, when I ask for help with our son I am told that I am unable to handle doing anything on my own, or that I do nothing. I began sleeping on the floor in my sons room to get some space. Why I ask if we can talk he makes no time for talking. He will spend all night talking on the phone with his family/ friends bitching about me, and I will ask if we can talk and he says no, or he will tell me we can talk after our son goes to bed, and then he hides outside on our four acre property not answering my phone calls, and refusing to talk. He then says he doesn’t want to talk because I am coming off as aggressive, but if someone told you that you we could talk and then did this wouldn’t you be emotional and upset?
Prior to me filing for divorce he took our sons social security card, and birth certificate from our home as well as all other vital documents/ titles, he has given back all documents other than our sons and refuses to disclose their location. After this things got worse he has also taken our sons clothes out of the home. I viewed this as him trying to take my son from me, and essentially wanting to get divorced. I told him I would be filing for divorce, additionally he told me to go file, and to go to hell. One day he wants to work on things and the next day he does not want to work on things, and I was sick of the emotional rollercoaster. The paperwork for divorce ended up not getting filed however I was unaware of this at the time and I made it clear that even though it has been started it doesn’t have to be this way and that I still wanted things to work. He told me no, later that night I had to call the police due to him pushing me and threatening to punch me in the face. He claims still to this day that I assaulted him. Which did not occur.
At this point all our parents/ family have been involved including his brother sending me threatening messages and working on our marriage would require a lot of mending with us and our families, which I don’t know if it can be done. The divorce proceedings have started and the marital home is being put up for sale. He has attended one counseling session it took him a month to complete the intake paperwork. Now he is saying we can work on things if I give him access to all my personal injury settlement and his attorney has informed him that he is entitled to it. He has never had issues with me having this in a separate account until now. I feel that him even asking for this shows he doesn’t really care about us. Why I say no to this he says it’s a shame that I care more about my money than our family. He puts all blame on me says I’m the one that filed not him, and it’s all my fault. I don’t know if he will ever be able to change use his communication skills, be respectful, and trust him again. It’s as if he has a false perception of how things actually happen. Do people like this ever really change? My co-workers think he has a personality disorder and those types of people never change. Is he the narcissist or am I?August 19, 2021 at 11:36 am #1096789MaddyGuest
MARRIED 4 YEARS NOT HOURSAugust 19, 2021 at 11:55 am #1096790KateKeymaster
Do YOU have an attorney??August 19, 2021 at 12:28 pm #1096791KateKeymaster
And no, unfortunately he’s not going to change. Your marriage is over. I wish you hadn’t brought a child into this but the thing to do now is make sure you’re lawyered up, since your husband is, protect yourself and your child, and work out a good custody arrangement. Stop waffling. He’s manipulating you.August 19, 2021 at 1:00 pm #1096793ktfranParticipant
Some people are just assholes. You don’t have to have a personality disorder to be an asshole. He’s not going to change.
DO NOT give him access to your account. Get a really good lawyer if you haven’t already. And get a divorce. You should also start counseling so you don’t end up in a similar situation in the future. Your son deserves better.August 19, 2021 at 1:01 pm #1096794BittergaymarkGuest
It’s always so surprising to me how having a baby with somebody who steals your pain meds while constantly fighting with you so often proves to be an utter disaster. I mean —- really —- Who ever could have predicted this?August 28, 2021 at 2:56 pm #1097085TigerPaw357Participant
When a relationship fails, I always ask – what did you not see before you married and had children?
Why do most of us ignore the ELEPHANT sitting in the middle of the room and why is it not the fault of two people and just one.
I wish people would sit down and mull through a proposal just as they do when they end up in divorce court. If s[he] did not perform before marriage, it won’t change after. Love does not conquer all, communication opens the door and loving has been more beneficial than “falling in love.”
Instead of getting to know your mate, I believe we should get to “learn” our mates. And if we are unable to learn and accept, then run the other way. The truth is we all have agendas but think we can shift the behavioral pattern of someone we “LOVE” – if she snores before you co-join, she will only snore louder and you already knew it was an irritant!
This is show up in a psychology book or episode one day. Humans spend a life time getting to “know” but “learning” offers a better solution.