Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Do i chose my friends happiness or mine?

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #728336 Reply

    My best friend and I are from USA and currently live in north and south NZ respectively on a work visa. My significant other (SO) also lives in the states, but he is still unsure whether or not he can afford visiting me during the holidays due to $$ issues. So my bestie and i said well lets celebrate the holidays together. She offered going somewhere overseas and I thought that was a great idea HOWEVER, this was all verbal planning. bc i didn’t know if my SO could save up to see me.

    Not too long ago, my bestie flew down to see me to surprise me! It was so sweet. We haven’t seen each other in 8 months and to have something from home and feel like your normal self was really nice. Duriing her stay, we planned that instead of me coming down to her city for her birthday we were going to do the Great Barrier Reef (GBR). I asked would you want to go diving for your birthday to make it memorable? And she said yes.

    A few weeks goes by and I come to learn my SO has been working over drive to save up every dime to see me for the holidays. In excitement, i tell my bestie. Obviously she would still spend the holidays with us. There is no way I was going to tell her no to that.

    So the holidays instead of going overseas bc my SO was coming, I said lets meet in auckland to do NYE. SO said yes. BFF said yes. perfect. I go and book accommodations, let everyone know what they owe me. My BFF said yup okay, little bit out of my budget but I’m willing to spend that money bc its NYE. a few days goes by and I haven’t received the $ so i reach out to her to check in and she tells me its too much $, she can’t afford it. She can’t afford the GBR either. how rude of me to not spend her birthday with her (she didn’t spend my birthday with me btw) ,her sister is coming down to visit her mid year and she wants to do things with her. Then she gets more upset with me and says that Im always changing plans on her. first my the holidays now her birthday. how cold hearted of me to do this to her. she says she’s already flown down to see me once and i haven’t visited her, so the least i can do is fly up to visit her so it can be even.
    … I dont even know what to say. I replied to her by saying that I felt that she’s keeping track on who flies where more often and using it against me. and if she’s going to be keeping tally marks on this i rather not have her fly up to me for the holidays and do her birthday so we can call it even- IF THATS THE CASE. I also said that if her SO told her he was coming to visit her, she would drop everything and run to him bc you haven’t seen him in under a year. You bet plans are gonna change. AND LASTLY. I booked accommodations girls. I have to pay a cancellation fee OUT OF MY OWN MONEY bc you said you were coming and then bailed last minute.

    SO. with this all happening so close to each other. She bailed for the holidays and she bailed for her birthday. and I’m out a couple hundred $ for the cancellation fee. I am so frustrated and angry that I just want to go to the GBR and say … F** you and your birthday!!!!!!!!
    Am I being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Or am I on grounds to feel very upset with her.

    #728340 Reply

    Yes, you are over-reacting. All this was disorganised. You can’t make a project with a friend and let it on stand-bye for your boyfriend to maybe alter all the plan. You have to chose and stick to your choices. I can understand your best friend’s reaction. Too bad for your pocket but you tried to manage people like furniture, somehow.
    Of course, the situation is difficult because you are all far away of each other. So my opinion would be not to lose a friend on this. Try to sell the tickets second hand or to negociate with the company. Tell your girlfriend that it was a mess and it is OK, you won’t break a friendship on that. Lastly, do fly to see her and do it. You have to make efforts to nurture friendships (and love relationships) long distance.

    #728345 Reply

    You were the first to change plans on her so can’t really complain when she then changed plans on you. Once you established that it is fine to change plans she should feel free to also change plans. You seem to think your excuses are good and hers are bad but neither is better than the other.

    You also needed to confirm how much she was willing to spend for NYE before booking the place because you needed to know what your budget was before spending the money.

    You’ve both established that your boyfriend is more important than the friendship and her sister is more important than the friendship. There is nothing wrong with either of those priorities. Accept them for what they are. You can’t have your boyfriend more important and her sister less important. Life doesn’t work that way.

    #728347 Reply

    You’re both at fault here. Yes, she shouldn’t have bailed after knowing you were booking it. Next time, collect the money before you book, especially since you all have a history of planning stuff and either not meaning it or canceling. There are ways that you can ensure that other people’s flakiness doesn’t hurt you, and now you’ve learned that lesson.

    But outside of that, you’re making a lot of statements and assumptions that are an overreaction and sort of hypocritical. You’re saying that bailing for an SO is OK, but bailing for a sister isn’t. You’re saying that her not coming for your birthday means that it’s OK for you to bail on already-made plans for her birthday. You’re getting mad at her for “tallying” the trips, but you’re keeping score too to prove that what you’ve done is OK and what she’s done isn’t.

    Several of your feelings could easily apply to her, as well. You know how nice it is to see someone familiar. You don’t how crappy it is when someone cancels. So, for her to think you guys were hanging out for her birthday and then for you to cancel probably felt crappy for her.

    I’m not trying to dump on you here, but you sort of sound like you’re willing to ruin your friendship over this, and that would be an overreaction. You both have a tendency to think out loud about plans and be willing to drop everything in certain circumstances for better plans. That’s fine, but you both have to acknowledge it and learn to work with it.

    Also, I think that people feel more comfortable bailing on people who don’t make super structured plans. Like I feel less guilty being late meeting people who are usually late themselves, versus when I meet people who are always on time. So, I think you two have sort of created this atmosphere where your plans feel very flexible.

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