Do I have a future with lying partner
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Hi everyone I’m hoping you can give me some advice, I’m in a total fog and don’t know what to do!
We have been together 10 years and are due to get married next year. We’ve had our problems and always been able to work through them but one thing keeps coming up….money!
He is very dishonest about money. When we got together I knew he was in debt, as was I, and we spent the first years of our relationship on a shoestring paying back what we owed and getting to what I thought was a better place!
Earlier in the year it came to light he had more credit and loans than he had disclosed to me, but he didn’t tell me – I found out. We had a huge fight but came up with a plan as I wanted to support him. I asked him to tell me about everything he owed so we could make a budget which we did and asked if he please wouldn’t take out anything else so we could try and stay out of debt. I asked him to promise me it was everything as I couldn’t bear to be lied to again or not know what our financial situation is so we can plan our future. He went through his banking app and we went through what I thought was all the payments he makes. But it wasn’t.
It turns out he was selective and still didn’t tell me about all of it at all – again he hasn’t told me this I have had to find out and it’s double what I thought he had on credit cards – he’s taken out 2 this year alone. He’s recently brought a computer and a watch and a few items for himself which have made me want to double check with him he’s not just getting more credit – when the things have turned up he’s always said they’re outright on overtime he’s been getting at work. It turns out these are all on finance or credit.
He sold his car recently on the basis that he told me we would be much better off each month – which based on what he was saying was right and sensible. That turned out not to be true and the money he said it would “free up” hasn’t been, the money from the sale has just been swallowed up in other payments or spent.
When I asked him why he looked me dead in the eye and told me it was everything when it obviously wasn’t he said he was frightened I would break up with him at the time. Honesty is the most important thing for me in a relationship and he knows that but I wouldn’t have broken up with him, I’d have sorted out a plan together but I now feel betrayed.I’m so hurt and upset as it feels like he’s incapable of being honest with me. We’re supposed to be getting married and starting a family together but he continuously lies and hides finances from me. He says I’m the love of his life but I’m now having doubts about our relationship and if I can marry someone who has been so dishonest.
I want to help him and I do love him but at the moment I’m conflicted about if I stay or if I leave. I spent many years clearing my debt and supporting him to clear his so I could afford to get married, have children and have a good life but all of this is now on the line. Getting into debt is one thing, but repeatedly lying to me about it and not telling me is something else.
He needs to take a second job for about a year to be able to pay off his debts and for us to get married. Logic tells me we should cancel the wedding, it’s an expenses we cannot afford and perhaps I can give him my half of whatever we’ve saved so far to pay it off….but when I think about doing this it feels like a huge sacrifice on our future and just further delaying everything I thought was finally right at my fingertips after waiting so long – I’ve saved and stayed out of debt so we can and he hasn’t done the same. I’m bitter and angry that these things have now been put on the line by his actions which affect me but it feels like he’s been selfish and not considered me or cared enough about our future in what he’s been doing. None of his spending has been for us or is on things which both of us could enjoy.
I don’t want fancy cars or expensive things, I never have, but I do want to marry someone who I know I can trust not to rack up debt behind my back and have children I can afford to raise.
I really need some advice, my head is a mess and I don’t know what to do!!!
I think you need to leave him. He lies to you constantly about something really, really consequential—-money and debt! Like it’s one thing to be shitty with money or have a lot of debt and another to be with someone as long as he has and keep lying. Why do you stay with someone who lies to you? Because it’s a shameful topic, money? So he gets a pass? He’s still buying useless crap that’s probably expensive- a watch, who NEEDS a watch? It’s putting him AND your life with him in further debt. He’s got a spending problem. It’s not going away.
If you don’t have trust, what do you have?
I can’t help but imagine this would be in one of Wendy’s quickies! Have you heard the old chestnut “aisle altar hymn” means you believe “I’ll alter him”? You’ve already given it your best shot, he’s pooped on it, and stay or leave, I beg you please, DO NOT marry this man. Instead of being something you FEEL you have to fix before you can move on with your financial future, it will LEGALLY be your debt.
This aspect of him is not going to change.
Knowing that, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your lives together?
I’m sorry but you need to leave. He does not want to learn how to manage money better. Either he has a gambling problem or some other issue.
You are putting your entire life at risk here, I am not exaggerating. As soon as you marry, he’s going to consume every last dollar you make. You will never be able to afford a house, or if you have a house, manage the repairs needed. You will never be able to retire. A medical emergency will financially ruin you.
As much as you love him, he is going to pull you down into this tar pit and you are not going to be able to escape. Love is not enough here.
There is really no excusing his further spending. It wasn’t even on things that are necessary to live, he bought a frivolous timekeeping device, when he Carrie’s a phone, doesn’t he?
I say only go forward with your eyes completely wide open that he is going to lie, conceal issues, spend more than you both have, remain secretive, even if you’re in a pact to save for you future.
Can you do that? I don’t think you can, and I really hope you don’t.
No, there is not a happy future with someone who not only lies to you but lies about something so important like finances. Marrying him and tying yourself to him legally and financially could really ruin your future if he’s as irresponsible with money as it seems. You risk so much continuing a relationship with someone like this.
I can imagine the idea of breaking an engagement and ending a 10-year relationship is a daunting one. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist could be helpful if you’re struggling with this decision. This is also a good time to lean on your support system – friends and family who care about your well-being.
Even if you don’t feel ready to walk away from the relationship for good, please at least put the marriage talk on hold and take steps to protect your finances and your credit score.
He’s an immature loser and a user. If you marry him, he’ll land you in huge debt, as you will be responsible for his debts. You can’t change him. You’ve devoted years of your life to trying. Your opposite views on finances and spending make you seriously incompatible. You say you’ve had your problems but have worked through them. I’ll guess that you worked through them for him and there was no we involved. You really don’t say anything positive about him, so strange that you are willing to sacrifice your future to stay with him. Is it sunk cost fallacy? If he was going to improve, it would have happened by now. Time to MOA and start on the next phase of your life without him. That may be what he wants. This Peter Pan doesn’t want adult responsibilities, which marriage requires. Honestly, you sound more like his frustrated counselor or mother than his near-future wife.
DO NOT MARRY HIM! Once you marry him, you will become legally responsible for every debt he takes on. He has not demonstrated in any way that he is capable of managing his finances responsibly or that he loves you enough to sacrifice his immediate wants for your future together.
Put the wedding on hold, but do NOT give him your half of what you have saved to bail him out. Bailing someone out financially is fine when they are a reasonably responsible person who simply fell on hard times. That’s not your fiancé. He is someone who makes irresponsible decisions and then lies to you about them, repeatedly. Any money you give him to help him out will be squandered just like all his money before it.
Personally, I would just leave, as he doesn’t seem willing to put in the work to change anything. But at the very least, tell him that the wedding is off until he has his finances under control. And during that time, don’t bail him out financially, don’t take on the work of teaching him how to make a budget, don’t nag him to get the second job he needs to get. You can’t do this for him. He needs to take responsbility for his life and his finances because if he doesn’t, how can you ever trust him to be able to take care of a house, or children, or YOU if an emergency happens? You can’t. Protect yourself, because he doesn’t seem to have any interest in protecting you.
DO NOT MARRY HIM! Once you marry him, you will become legally responsible for every debt he takes on. He has not demonstrated in any way that he is capable of managing his finances responsibly or that he loves you enough to sacrifice his immediate wants for your future together.
Put the wedding on hold, but do NOT give him your half of what you have saved to bail him out. Bailing someone out financially is fine when they are a reasonably responsible person who simply fell on hard times. That’s not your fiancé. He is someone who makes irresponsible decisions and then lies to you about them, repeatedly. Any money you give him to help him out will be squandered just like all his money before it.
Personally, I would just leave, as he doesn’t seem willing to put in the work to change anything. But at the very least, tell him that the wedding is off until he has his finances under control. And during that time, don’t bail him out financially, don’t take on the work of teaching him how to make a budget, don’t nag him to get the second job he needs to get. You can’t do this for him. He needs to take responsbility for his life and his finances because if he doesn’t, how can you ever trust him to be able to take care of a house, or children, or YOU if an emergency happens? You can’t. Protect yourself, because he doesn’t seem to have any interest in protecting you.
You don’t understand the scope of his problem and it’s above your pay grade. He gets a dopamine hit when he spends and he’s hooked on it. You can’t fix this. It will ruin your life. You can insist on couples counselling but people who have addiction issues have to go after recovery like a bulldog. They must want freedom from addiction above everything else. You know that he wants to keep spending and hiding it from you. That will get even worse when he will be able to access your funds. Ditch him. I’m sorry, but that’s the advice I would give you if you were my daughter.
