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Does everything really happen for a reason?

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  • #845048 Reply
    avatarCeleste95
    Guest

    I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.
    I’m 25 years old, and I’m constantly torn between making life changing decisions and letting life do it’s own thing.

    For example, I’m not 100% happy in my relationship, something is missing. Although we are trying to work on things and things are not always bad, I’ve felt it for a while and I really have thought about it a lot, and half of me thinks I should end the relationship (even though i know id be heartbroken and wind up regretting it). The other half of me thinks everything in life happens for a reason and whatever is going to happen in the future is going to happen regardless. I am quite a sensitive person and so I’m worried that if I did decide to end the relationship I’d be making a massive mistake and that in hindsight things aren’t that bad. I have been known to have quite a negative outlook on life and it’s events but I feel like with a lot of self help I’m much more positive these days.

    I’m not a very spiritual person and I’ve never been religious, but I can’t help thinking that everything in life happens for a reason and that where I am and how I’m feeling right now and, whether I make a decision or not, it’s how it’s meant to be.

    Has anyone else felt like this? Any advice welcome.
    Thank you

    #845049 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’ve been in that same situation with those same thoughts. My gut was telling me the relationship wasn’t right. But then I’d try to talk myself out of it and think, well, maybe this is where you’re supposed to be.

    Yes, I do think you’re always right where you’re supposed to be, there’s a plan that’s already written, etc, BUT if your gut is telling you this isn’t the right relationship for you, you need to act on that. Your gut doesn’t tell you that when you’re in the right relationship, I promise. You don’t feel like that.

    This relationship isn’t right for you, and I don’t know, maybe you need to spend more time in it to learn something you’re supposed to learn. In my experience, I wasn’t ready to permanently let it go… until one day I was. And that was it.

    Basically, listen and trust. But your instincts are right on, and if you can end this now, you should. The other thing I believe is that if you make a mistake, the Lord/Universe will help you course-correct and not continue in the mistake.

    Bottom line, trust your gut feeling.

    #845050 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Like, really, if you feel like this, it’s not a good relationship:

    “…we are trying to work on things and things are not always bad, I’ve felt it for a while and I really have thought about it a lot, and half of me thinks I should end the relationship”

    #845051 Reply
    avatarCeleste95
    Guest

    @Kate thanks for the advice.
    The part where you said you wasn’t quite ready to leave the relationship – that’s how I feel. I haven’t hit that “I’ve totally had enough and it’s over” stage. I’m not sure if one day soon I will, but right now I’m just not 100% sure.

    #845052 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    You sound ambivalent and unsure about this relationship. Also I’m almost 29 but I too make life decisions – we all do. Every carbon-based creature makes life decisions. You don’t need to feel alone in feeling like your life is a never-ending list of choices.

    What do you mean by ‘letting life do its own thing’. Does this just mean you don’t do anything? Or kind of take a calculated risk and hope for the best?

    “The other half of me thinks everything in life happens for a reason and whatever is going to happen in the future is going to happen regardless.” < – what do you mean by this? I mean this in the most curious way possible but I really have no idea what you’re trying to say here – you have free will. Please clarify!

    “everything in life happens for a reason and that where I am and how I’m feeling right now and, whether I make a decision or not, it’s how it’s meant to be.” <- also this, please clarify. What is how it’s meant to be? Your relationship? Please specify!

    Look, you can choose to date or not date this guy. If you want to find out what’s missing in your relationship, have a conversation or go to therapy. If you’re so negative about life – make better decisions by reading books and talking to your “team you” and by reading the wisdom of Dear Wendy commenters (you’re already doing it, woo!). Therapy helps too – I can confirm.

    #845054 Reply
    avatarCeleste95
    Guest

    @MP thanks for your response.
    Sorry about being so vague in my original post. I find it quite difficult to explain.

    I know I have to make decisions in life, don’t get me wrong! I don’t just sit at home waiting for things to happen.
    I just mean big life decisions, I wonder if I stayed in the relationship would he end up being the one to finish it, therefore confirming that we weren’t meant to be together whether I end it or he does.

    Hope that makes sense.

    #845055 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    Makes SO much more sense – I really appreciate you explaining. My English is pretty mediocre so apologies I wasn’t getting it.

    #845056 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    But yeah, what Kate said. To me, it sounds like you’re unsure and the relationship isn’t very good. You sound like a very kind and introspective person – please trust your gut. If it IS a mistake – you’ll be okay. Your decisions + whatever force keeps this world turning will help you get on your feet. Good luck!

    #845058 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    The problem with the totally passive approach you want to take to life is this: if you don’t make decisions, others make them for you. You give control of your life to other people.

    If you don’t make choices and just let things happen, what that really means is that you spend your life being buffeted by the effects of other people’s choices.

    Choices can be scary. What if you choose the wrong thing? Then what? The good news is that every other person on the planet feels the same way you do. The only people who aren’t worried that they’ll make mistakes are the malignant narcissists.

    You will make mistakes. You will make choices you wish you hadn’t. Everyone does. Everyone. But if you can learn from your mistakes, and course correct when you need to, you’ll be OK.

    #845059 Reply
    avatarCeleste95
    Guest

    @MP thank you for your kind words.
    I agree with both you and @kate and
    Really appreciate you taking your time to reply and give advice!

    #845060 Reply
    avatarCeleste95
    Guest

    @Essie
    That’s a really good way to look at things, sometimes I do feel a bit alone in my feelings but don’t think that everyone else has to make these decisions too.
    Thanks for your response it’s really helpful and something to definitely think about

    #845061 Reply

    Yeah, I think not making a decision-being passive-IS making a decision. You’re choosing to stay the course, although you aren’t feeling happy or satisfied in the relationship.

    I definitely stayed in relationships much longer than necessary, but after a few shitty relationships, I started to notice my feelings sooner and saying no to things that weren’t working for me. Be it a bf or job or friendship.

    I also think little sayings like “everything happens for a reason,” etc are ways we try to spin unfortunate events so that everything doesn’t seem random and chaotic. The truth is there are plenty of things that happen for no reason at all. There is not reason behind everything.

    And as far as decisions and choices…we all have paths in life we didn’t take. But wouldn’t you rather shape the paths you do take?

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