Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Does everything really happen for a reason?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Does everything really happen for a reason?

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  • #845153 Reply

    Also, I’ve had very few serious relationships, I can count them on one hand. But I was never the one to end those relationships. So I think a lot of my worry is that it won’t be the right decision because I’ve never experienced making that decision for myself. However I know that those relationships where the other person ended it, were also not right.

    #845154 Reply

    I don’t believe in things happening for a reason, to me the reason is a product of meaning-making, but if you do want to view things that way, what if this situation is in your path so that you can finally learn how to end a relationship that is not working and taking active steps to improve your life? Trust me, that’s a very valuable lesson to learn.

    #845156 Reply

    Making big, life-changing decisions can be very scary, but when you actually do it, it’s very empowering.

    I was a very late bloomer, so I had my first kiss at 18 and lost my virginity at 23 (to a friend of a friend). Because of this, when I finally started my first serious relationship at 24, it took far too long for me to realize that we weren’t well-suited at all. With a bit more experience, I would have moved on after six months, but because I was more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend than I was with him, I stayed for more than two years. We didn’t communicate well at all, he would retreat into his shell at the slightest conflict and I’d shout at him in an attempt to force him to communicate. Turned into a vicious circle. For the last year, I tried to make him break up with me, but now I’m really happy it didn’t work. Because I finally made the decision to break up, I had to own it and move on with my life. If he’d broken up with me, I don’t know how long I would’ve spent wallowing in misery and blaming him, even if I was miserable with him, too… In the end, I had to go to therapy and take antidepressants, the therapy helped me realize that I needed to end the relationship.

    This is one of the few times in my life that I’ve really taken control. I crave security, so changing things merely because I’m bored or feel a bit listless or stressed out is really not an option. I have to be truly miserable in a job to consider quitting and doing something else instead. Same thing applies to relationships.

    #845168 Reply

    Having never made these relationship decisions yourself makes it all the more important for you to start making them now. Don’t infantilize yourself. Making important relationship and life decisions is what adults do. You’ve already decided that all of your past relationships, where your gut said to end them but you waited for your partner to end them, weren’t good relationships. Since your judgment has been proven correct, you should trust it.

    It seems as though your very passive approach to your own life hasn’t led to your being emotionally or physically abused for an extended period of time, but that really is one natural outcome of always letting your partner decide when it’s time to walk away. A time will come when, after a first date or a year, you will need the ability to act to end things on your own volition, in order to preserve your sanity or safety. Thus far your passivity has only cost you time you could have spent being open to a better match. There are greater dangers to willingly turning your decision-making power over to a bf.

    It’s easy to say “if things got bad, of course I’d walk away”, but with your mindset, can you really trust that you would be able to do that, or would you just drift along thinking there was a reason/purpose for the abuse and that your fate wanted you to just go with the flow. Own your own life! That’s the only way to live your true life.

    #845188 Reply

    Have you thought about a trial separation? What do you think that your sweetheart would tell you if you tell them that you’re having doubts and need some time alone? What you think the response would be might give you some insight, even if you don’t choose to talk to them about it.
    Also, I’m a firm believer that people should opt-in to relationships and it should never be a default position. But to be perfectly honest, I enjoyed being single.

    #845216 Reply

    I suppose it makes sense that not doing anything at all is still making a decision but not necessarily a good one!

    I’m worried I’ll regret it, absolutely.

    But also I’ve already started doing things for myself I.e going to the gym, and other things to gain some self confidence which I don’t depend on my partner for.

    I guess subconsciously I’ve made a decision but I’m scared to follow it through.

    #845222 Reply

    You can regret staying in a bad relationship just as much as you can regret ending a relationship. Are you happy in your relationship? I’m guessing the answer is no. We are all capable of falling in love with someone who isn’t compatible with us. That’s why people have a first relationship followed by a second relationship, etc. That’s people loving someone and then finding that it doesn’t work. Love isn’t enough to build a happy life together.

    If this relationship doesn’t work for you it is time to end it. This isn’t so much a pros and cons list. This is do you want to spend your life as you are? Does the idea of spending another year with your partner make you happy or sad? Does it sound like a great idea or does it seem more like a burden or depressing or a struggle? If things aren’t right how well will this relationship handle serious stress?

    You only get one life and it is up to you to find your way through it in a way that brings you happiness. That isn’t up to your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is waiting for you to break up with him and you wait for him to break up with you the two of you could both be miserable for years just waiting for the other to finish it.

    #845225 Reply

    TBH, I know more people who regret wasting chunks of their lives on relationships that don’t work than who regret leaving mediocre relationships.

    But, I mean, so what if you regret it? Humans aren’t perfect and life isn’t perfect. Everyone regrets something at some point. I’ve noticed that a lot of people act like regretting something is the WORST thing ever and it’s not. It’s like any other feeling. You feel it for a while and then time passes and you feel other things. If he were that special that you would spend the rest of your life regretting this, then you’d be happy right now, and you aren’t.

    Don’t be afraid to improve your life simply because you don’t want to feel a negative emotion for a little while.

    #845235 Reply

    Thanks for your responses.

    A few of you have asked if I’m actually happy – the answer is sometimes.

    When things are good they are really good. But it doesn’t last all that long until the next time we bicker.

    I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m even considering ending the relationship right? I’ve never done that before. I always thought having someone there is better than being alone even if I’m unhappy. But I’m now beginning to realise that I can be happy on my own, but I’m doing that while I’m in a relationship. Weird! I can’t quite explain it

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