March 24, 2019 at 9:26 am #838657
I’ve been friends with a guy for a while, but not sure if it’s developing in to something more or if he is interested in something more. I will tell you all the reasons why I’m confused:
•He gets very protective of me and other men especially my ex’s as he knows I’ve had a bad time. Like as in he gets really worked up about if one hassles me.
•He tells me he very very deeply for me in a friends way.
•He said he loves me (not sure if that’s just as friends).
•He flirts with me and we are a little cheeky with each other.
•He said I was very fanciable and had complimented me on my looks but always says he likes me a lot (again not sure in a friends way)
•He tells me I make him comfortable and loves chatting to me.
• He got annoyed when I call him “mate”, I asked why and his response was “because it just means that’s all you see me as”.
The thing is he doesn’t have any other females in his life and not sure if he sees me as a “mother figure” or “sister”. He’s never had a girlfriend (he’s not gay I know that) and he’s in his mid 20s so am I. I don’t know if he’s confused or if I’m picking up on everything wrong? He’s a a very attractive guy, very shy especially around women. He gets so worried about me though to the point it makes him not sleep and he contacts me very late at night to check I’m ok.
Thoughts??March 24, 2019 at 9:27 am #838658
That was very deeply cares for me.March 24, 2019 at 9:46 am #838659
So what did YOU say when he objected to ‘mate’ and said that’s all you see hm as?March 24, 2019 at 9:47 am #838660
Well – do you want to be more than friends?
Ask him out on a date and find out. It sounds like he hasn’t made any actual passes at you so you can’t really say one way or the other.
Also does he say why he gets worried about you to the point he loses sleep and contacts you in the middle of the night? And what do you mean when you say he gets protective and worked up over other men – like what kind of behavior does he exhibit and what causes his getting worked up?March 24, 2019 at 9:47 am #838661
I get “Nice Guy” vibes from him. That is, the guy who thinks he’s a nice guy but is actually insecure, possessive, and controlling.
He probably does like you as more than a friend but is too scared to tell you. I think it’s a flag that he’s never had a girlfriend and has no other female friends, but a bigger red flag that he’s so obsessed with your exes and your safety that he’s losing sleep and checking on you late at night. That’s *weird* and creepy, not “nice.”
I think if you want to date him, the next time he says that dumb thing about “that’s all you see me as,” you could say, “well, do you want me to see you as more?” And if he’s like, maybe, you could be like, well maybe I do, what now?
But I wouldn’t go there, he sounds like a closet jerk.March 24, 2019 at 9:49 am #838662
What Kate said – thanks for putting what I was feeling into words. This all seems like creepy behavior from him actually.. I take back the part about asking him out.March 24, 2019 at 10:01 am #838665
Yeah, I think his behavior is off-putting and possessive. Have you ever asked him why he’s never had a gf? How did you become friends?
It’s creepy that he lies awake at night worrying about you. You aren’t a helpless little lamb, you’re a capable adult.March 24, 2019 at 10:15 am #838666
His mother left him when he was young and he has abandonment issues, I know he’s getting help for it. He’s never had a girlfriend because he told me he gets insecure and can’t feel like he can make the “next move” he’s never had sex either.
Met him through a tennis club, I stopped going as I couldn’t afford it anymore.March 24, 2019 at 10:38 am #838667
I wouldn’t get involved with this guy.March 24, 2019 at 12:08 pm #838668
He has issues to work out. He isn’t ready to have a “normal” relationship and he is trying to figure himself out on you. You haven’t left yet so expect the testing to escalate. It kind of sounds like he is telling you exactly about it, too.
How do you feel about him calling you late at night to check in on you? I ask because if you haven’t told him it’s weird or to not do it anymore, it sounds as though you may like his company. Because he isn’t ready to date in a healthy way, I think you need to tell him the limits. To protect yourself that will mean setting limits with him that are probably more conservative than you would with another person.
That means I don’t think you should wait until he clearly makes you uncomfortable.
I have friends that will call me late on my cell phone because they know I won’t hear or pick up unless I’m awake. Maybe you have friends that call you late, too.
But this guy DOES seem to like you as more than a friend doesn’t understand what is appropriate to do with those feelings, so you should tell him not to call to check on you when he is worried, anymore.
Don’t indulge him much in helping him to not feel rejected when you tell him to knock it off.
His flirting might be him practicing, but with his other toe crossing actions it reads more like he hopes this turns into a romantic comedy. It would be best to stop flirting with him. Because you seem to be the only woman he knows or hangs out with he will probably notice the norm between you has changed. You can tell him you want him to dial back his flirting.
Of course this all based on you not reciprocating his feelings. I wouldn’t bank on anything coming out of this if you do like him back. The fact that he thinks showing possessiveness is a gesture of romance (or that you are supposed to magically pick up on it being so and make a move on him) doesn’t bode well. He is looking for you to assuage his anxiety as a friend and making you do all the work. Past patterns usually indicate more to come. If you want to focus your attention back on yourself and your own dating life, I’d cut this loose.March 24, 2019 at 5:06 pm #838694
My best guess would be that he’s not interested in you in the sense that he wants to date you. He’s clearly not shy and is not worried about you “misinterpreting” his attention, so I find it very suspect that he’s never tried to actually ask you out or anything like that.
There are guys who, when they just want sex or attention, will drop a lot of hints until YOU pursue them so that they can claim they weren’t leading you on if you want something more serious. Because when you drop hints, it can mean anything. But if he were to ask you out, he’d have to be a lot more explicit about what he wants.
Of course, I don’t know him. But in my experience, when someone finds themselves getting mixed signals, it’s usually not a good sign.March 24, 2019 at 7:04 pm #838698
I think that he likes you but he’s also kind of a weirdo.