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Dear Wendy

Does he really like me? Or the idea of me?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Does he really like me? Or the idea of me?

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  • #1098780 Reply
    Plain Jane

    I have been in a LDR with this guy for 8 months now, I met him in a game I play. Its been really fun and I love him, but sometimes i’m worried he doesn’t really like me, just the idea he has built in his head of me. He sends me the really nice messages daily about how awesome I am and how much he loves me. He wants to talk to me everyday on the phone or skype, for hours. It seems like hes always trying to please me and keep me happy and is always worried hes upset me. Sometimes its too much, like hes working so hard for me to like him when i already do and his attempts to make me like him sometimes seem fake. Everyone tells me its just my low self esteem and im just not used to someone being nice but i’m not sure. It seems like all his energy is focused on getting me to like him, but does he really like me? He gets really upset about stuff that i do, that i feel is just me. I message him multiple times per day and talk on the phone daily but if i forget to reply to one message he gets upset, and he gets upset if i stay up too late gaming and if i chat to people on game and is constantly telling me to go to bed and get off game. All in the guise of “I’m worried about you” “you know i only say this because i’m trying to look out for you”. But we met on game and I am the same as I was then nothing new has changed. Can he really like me as much as he says when he seems always upset at things i do?. I’m feeling like i’m always the bad guy and he is the good guy because he is so nice and good to me. Is this just me being insecure and does he like me or the idea of me?

    #1098785 Reply

    If two people have never met in real life, then neither of them really knows the other. So yes, he likes the idea of you that he’s created in his head. It’s really just a fantasy. Not until you’ve spent significant real-life time together would he be able to know and like the real you. I met a guy online in my 20s, and I’m telling you this from experience. I was getting his carefully constructed “best” when we talked online or even spent a weekend together, but the longer it went on, and then when we spent a week together in his daily routine, I saw the real him and didn’t like it.

    But something else is going on here with your guy. He’s being jealous and controlling, and that’s very concerning. Your gut is telling you this isn’t right, and your gut is correct. At first it can feel nice to have someone who seems to care so much about you and give you attention, but this is called love-bombing. Look it up. It’s what creeps and abusers and narcissists and scammers and sociopaths do to draw you in at the beginning before they get really dark and start hurting you. He’s already showing his dark side and it will only get worse from here. You need to end this and block him and get out of that game. You don’t need to be in a controlling, abusive faux-lationship that’s going to sap your emotional energy and wreck your mental health. Drop this guy yesterday.

    #1098786 Reply
    #1098792 Reply

    Agree with Kate 100%. He has definitely built a fantasy of who you are and how you act in his mind – and that’s why he gets upset when you don’t explicitly conform to his idea of who you are and how you are supposed to act.

    I understand that the two of you have built up a friendship that started around gaming. BUT YOU HAVE NEVER MET. You don’t know what he smells like. You have no idea if he has gross fingernails and wonky toenails. He’s someone you spend a lot of time talking to, but you’ve actually never spent any time in the same room, he’s not your boyfriend.

    While I’m sure the emotions are real, the conditions are anything BUT real. Neither of you are dealing with reality – he’s created a fantasy, that I assure you, will become ugly. I really suggest that you start living your life and let this guy know that he doesn’t get to tell you what to do and how to act.

    #1098794 Reply

    The physical stuff that you only experience in person is important, but it even goes beyond that. Trust me, even if you’re in constant contact for hours every day, and seemingly sharing intimacies, you do not know this person until you have spent time together in the everyday.

    #1098808 Reply

    Please listen to these wise women. You don’t know him, not really. And what you do know is that he’s fine pretending to love you, he’s bombed you with that but then acts angry and jealous if you don’t behave exactly the way he wants. That is not love.

    Your gut is telling you he’s bad news and full of it. Pretty smart gut. Listen to it.

    Date guys IRL. It’s so much easier to judge real chemistry and connection in person.

    #1098810 Reply

    He sounds pretty sketchy. But I suspect he’s right about at least one thing… you ARE gaming wayyyyyyy too much.

    #1098811 Reply

    It’s … interesting … that this has to be said multiple times to young people: if you have never met in real life, you are not in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how much you think you share / talk / connect online or on text or even on the phone.

    If you have never met someone in real life, you are not in a relationship. Do not ever discount the importance of your physical senses when interacting with someone. Your gut has a lot to say.

    #1098812 Reply

    I think it’s because kids are growing up in a way that their whole world is online. They don’t have the in-person interaction that we grew up with, even though they physics go to school with other kids. So much of how they interact with each other is online, so it’s easy to see how that could lead to feeling like your romantic relationships can be entirely online. But for them the unsettling thing is that NOTHING IS REAL. Instagram is not reality. Gaming is not reality. Chat is not reality. But the lines must get so blurred.

    #1098813 Reply

    I agree with all of the above. He sounds possibly sketchy and controlling also.
    I saw an investigative program a while ago. The couple met on a game site and had avatars etc. They “fell in love” having never meet. Finally, she travels to meet him, in another country and he was not at all as she imagined him to be. Wasted a year and a half and plane fare on a fantasy.
    Luckily they both agreed it was not going to work. But she could have gone into a dangerous situation too.
    I would dis-connect from this “relationship” and find a different game to play or get off the computer so much.

    #1098814 Reply

    You can’t be dating in real life while consumed by this fantasy. The lure of the internet and the virtual attention you receive from this guy is addictive, but you have to repeat over and over “I’ve never actually met this guy — I’ve fallen in love with electrons.”

    Your signature says to me that you need to address your self esteem. How old are you? Sounds like you’re school age. A lot of uncoupled guys in your school. Chat them up. If nothing else, it’s good practice. Likely you become some guys crush IRL.

    #1098815 Reply

    I agree with what everyone else is saying here. You’ve never met, so this isn’t a real relationship — it’s a fantasy. But even then, this guy is already acting controlling and it’s not good and it’s not going to get better.

    I don’t know how old you are, but I’m assuming you’re younger and fairly lonely if an online-only relationship that’s starting to set off alarm bells in your gut is cutting it for you. I know we’re still in a pandemic, but it is probably a good idea to take a step back from the gaming and online world so that you can invest more in your IRL relationships. If you’re in school, maybe you can join a club. If you’re not, maybe find a class, explore a new hobby, or find a MeetUp group. The mentions of your low self-esteem and insecurity also made me think that you have some inner work to do, possibly with the help of a therapist.

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