Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Does he really like me? Or the idea of me?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Does he really like me? Or the idea of me?

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  • #1098819 Reply

    There are more ways of being controlled by someone other than by simply being ordered what to do.

    Notice how you’re in a pattern where you are worried about everyday things you do upsetting him. That if he gets upset, YOU must have done something wrong, that YOU upset HIM.

    That’s the beginnings of a controlling relationship.

    #1098820 Reply

    LW, this is classic controlling behavior, and no you haven’t changed, he’s just started to show his true colors. Your low self-esteem is one of the reasons he targeted you, knowing that you would question yourself the way you are doing now. I’m sure your friends mean well, but they are steering you in the wrong direction, you have a very accurate gut, listen to it. One of the biggest mistakes people make, especially women, is in talking themselves out of their gut feelings, you have them for a reason, a warning that someone wants to harm you. Re-read your post, you spend the first half of it talking about how nice he is and how nice he is to you. Then come these comments: ” He gets really upset about stuff that i do, that i feel is just me. I message him multiple times per day and talk on the phone daily but if i forget to reply to one message he gets upset” “All in the guise of “I’m worried about you” “you know i only say this because i’m trying to look out for you”. But we met on game and I am the same as I was then nothing new has changed.” “I’m feeling like i’m always the bad guy and he is the good guy because he is so nice and good to me.”
    He is NOT nice to you, he is controlling you and gaslighting you. BTW, did you notice that you used the phrase “All in the guise of”? You are saying that he is DISGUISING his controlling behavior as concern for you. See, you know the answer already. Listen to yourself, and your gut, move on.

    #1098821 Reply

    It is very controlling.

    I honestly fail to grasp why being single is somehow so much more awful than being abused and controlled. But it seems that many, many people feel this way.

    #1098822 Reply

    @BGM – I’m right there with you. I think men are socialized a little differently but for women, we are inundated that we should be wanted and that you’re “incomplete” without a partner. I think women who grow more confident as they age realize that they can be complete and whole without a partner.

    And I say women who grow more confident is that some women don’t. I know of several women who even into their 70’s and 80’s would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than be alone. And I’m not talking about women who’ve been with their husbands for 30, 40, 50 years – I’m talking about women who start dating a man who turns out to be controlling, boring, stingy, whatever.

    #1098888 Reply

    I hate to use an old and worn dish towel after its wet, but I agree with what the others are saying here. This guy sounds manipulative and toxic as all hell, i say start drawing lines and if he doesnt respect that then break up. Friendships online are different than relationships – you can like, respect, form a bond, and get along with people online, but it the end do you actually know these people? He clearly doesnt think you have somethings everyone has – character flas and imperfections.
    Just, think about how worth it this thing is? How much is he to you excactly? And also, if you feel bad after talking to someone theyre probably not meant for you anyway.

    #1098971 Reply

    This does sound sketchy. He might be doing this with multiple people. Without meeting in real life and some due diligence, you have no idea who this person is. Be weary and be careful. It seems you are burning a lot of your time on this, go out with friends in person, it will give you some perspective.

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