Does it get better?

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Anonymousse.
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  • K.
    May 15, 2023 at 9:46 pm #1120395

    I’m 36, neurodivergent and I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my 20s and early 30s, back to back trauma and hardships trying to fit in, trying to find my place in the world and trying to find the love of my life, and still struggling in the love department.

    Does it get better?

    Is this existence worth it?

    Does anyone have any success stories of going from having an unfulfilled life to a more content, fulfilled one? Whether it’s having found a partner or not, any success stories appreciated!

    Thanks in advance!

    May 16, 2023 at 7:30 am #1120399

    Yes…I have had serious trauma throughout my childhood, teen years and early adult…it does get better. Give yourself grace. Find a good therapist if you can, mine saved my life. I’m 39. I’m married with kids and very happy in my day to day life. My past was terrible, but it is in the past. I stay present, parenting my kids has helped me reparent myself. There can be much healing. And you’ve gone through things many haven’t, which gives you an extra level of understanding and compassion for others.

    Good luck, and don’t settle in the live department. I believe there are many wonderful people out there who are single looking for real relationships, too.

    Good luck.

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    May 16, 2023 at 10:29 am #1120402

    It can absolutely get better! And the examples are plentiful. But here’s the thing: life doesn’t generally get better because of luck. I mean, sometimes it does; luck can certainly play a part in life improvements. But even luck has to be paired with intentional behavior to have a lasting positive effect. So, think about what it is you want – in your case, you want to find a loving relationship, I think? – and then think about what behavioral changes you can make to support this goal. Are you in a place to be a good partner? do you like yourself? Do you have traits to offer a relationship? If not, you have to start there. Make yourself into a catch. (Therapy can also help with this is you feel you have some things to work on before you’re ready to be available for a relationship).

    If you feel you’re in a good place to be an asset in a relationship and it’s just about finding a good match, put the word out (to friends and family and maybe even people you work with if you have friendly relationships with them) that you are looking for people to date. Try online dating. Join clubs or sports teams to meet like-minded people and expand your social circle (even meeting platonic friends can lead to meeting potential romantic partners).

    You might find success finding social groups or activity groups or support groups – even online – for neurodivergent folks. Those are gonna be people who already understand where you’re coming from, who understand your differences, and will have a different set of expectations than neurotypical people who aren’t familiar with neurodivergent differences and how they may affect relationships and friendships (but neurotypical folks can always learn – especially if they’re motivated to).

    May 16, 2023 at 1:42 pm #1120407

    An in-law recently passed, I think she was in her late 80’s, early 90’s. She lived in NYC. She volunteered for the red cross. She was a museum docent. A few years ago she was telling us that she had joined a dance troupe and would be performing in a show.

    Aside from a romantic relationship, what is missing from your life? What are you doing to make your life more fulfilling?

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    May 17, 2023 at 10:27 am #1120411

    Not sure I’m the best person to contribute to this thread since I am regularly filled with existential dread and bring up fulfillment (or lack thereof) to my therapist often. But I would overall say I am content.

    For me, finding contentment largely came from letting go of the kind of life I assumed I was “supposed” to have. I really bought into society’s narratives about what would make me happy. I had timelines in mind. I compared my trajectory to others. When I had my first “real” job, it wasn’t long before I started putting myself down because I felt like my title should be more grand, my responsibilities larger, my salary higher. I freaked out a little at 28 when I went through a traumatic breakup that left me almost debilitatingly devastated. I ended up getting a job offer in a new city not too long after that breakup and living in a big city was something I knew I wanted. My life became a blank slate, which finally prompted me to think about why I wanted certain things… or if I even wanted them at all! I started focusing on living my life as it was, not as I hoped it would be one day or as I thought society expected me to. I made decisions that were in line with my own interests and values. I have a good job that I like, hobbies I enjoy, a loving boyfriend, solid friendships, a sweet dog I know my seven-year-old self would’ve lost her mind over (haha). Ultimately, a series of major life changes were the catalyst for me to take a step back and really think about what I wanted my life to look like. But you don’t have to be by yourself in a new city to do any of what I did. I credit therapy with helping me get to a point of satisfaction with my life.

    Anyway, good luck!

    May 18, 2023 at 8:22 am #1120418

    I do agree, to make it better, you have to put effort in. Sometimes the effort is the hardest part. Even when it sucks and you can’t go on. No one is going to do it for you. Everyone kind of has to save themselves, a little bit or a lot.

    The things (other than a great therapist and meds) that have helped me are
    Exercise- not much but enough to feel alive and like I could run if the zombie apocalypse is happening
    Eating and sleeping well, generally treating my body really well- I have medical issues so this is really important for me
    Spending time with friends and loved ones
    Spending time in nature
    Helping others and being nice and friendly

    Not giving a shit what most people think of me, and living my life for myself mostly. I think this comes with age for most.

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