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Don't know what to do anymore? Relationships/Friends/Parents

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by avatar TheHizzy 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #740815 Reply
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    Lilly124

    Okay so this requires a little bit of backstory, and I’m not sure where else to turn so here I am I guess.

    A few months ago a friend started spreading rumors about me that weren’t true just because I wouldn’t date him. Because he was a considered “mentally unstable” all of my other friends said that they didn’t believe anything he said, but it would be best if I left the friend group because I made him uncomfortable. So I had no friends at that point in time.

    One of my friends decided that the whole situation was stupid and wanted to keep being friends with me anyway so we started hanging out a lot and got a lot closer and eventually decided that we liked each other and wanted to try dating. I was keeping it on the down-low from my parents only because I wasn’t sure if this was going to last long enough to even be worth mentioning. One day while we were hanging out after my parents went to bed, we were cuddling on a couch and just kind of kissing and nothing else. My mom came back downstairs, yelled at us, and kicked him out. She told me she doesn’t like him for me and that I “could do better.” She ended up yelling at me later saying that everything was a big mistake and I was being stupid and desperate for someone to like me, which wasn’t true.

    I continued talking to this guy even when I went off to college. My mom constantly asked me if I was still talking to him and I know she would get mad if I told her the truth so I just kept saying no and left it at that.

    Now flash forward to literally last weekend. He wanted to come and visit me at school so we hung out for the weekend (literally nothing happened, no sex or anything like that, just hung out) and I didn’t tell my mom he was coming to visit me at college because why should I have to? Well, somehow my mom decided that she “had a feeling” he was there and called me and went off on me about it a few days later. So now, as of just a few hours ago, my mom calls me crying hysterically saying that I have to decided between my parents or my boyfriend. I think this is completely ridiculous and I ask her why she doesn’t like him and she just says “because I don’t, I don’t trust him” and that’s all I ever get. He’s a year younger than me (I’m 18, he’s 17) and she said that if she found out we were having sex (which we weren’t) then she would report me to the police because that’s illegal (it’s not, and the age of consent in my state is 17) and that if I continue seeing him my parents will completely disown me.

    I’m not sure what to do anymore. I really like this guy and I’m sure the obvious answer is to just break up with him but that’s not the point here. I don’t like that my parents think they have a say in my relationships and my parents have always been extremely strict with me and I have always been what you would call “an obedient child.” So it’s not even the fact that I want to chose my boyfriend over my parents, but I think it’s completely ridiculous that I would even get this ultimatum. I could really use some advice.

    #740822 Reply
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    brise

    Your mother’s behavior seems incredibly abusive. My advice would be to talk of it with the advice service in your school. You can’t let it pass. They will then mediate between you and your parents. Meanwhile, don’t enter any discussion with your parents. Say that you visited the advice center and it will calm them immediately.
    About your boyfriend, if he has nothing to be reproached, why would you break up with him? This is a coming of age step, your parents will have to accept it, but perhaps you can be more upfront with them about your dating.
    Then, when you are done with your high school degree, leave your home, find your own place or college.
    Please speak to an authority about that.

    #740830 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Your mom sounds insane.

    #740831 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Oh boy this has tones of home for me! First off, are you financially dependent on your parents? If so, do you fancy changing that? I’m not being flippant, I’m asking if at 18 you feel fairly capable of making a living and continuing towards a brighter future. A lot pivots on this because if you are dependent, I am guessing that cutting you off is going to be the next threat (since the police one is patently ridiculous). This leaves you with 3 choices—supporting yourself, lying to them more convincingly, or falling in line. If you’re not dependent or don’t think your parents would go that far then that is excellent news.

    Whether or not this is your hill to die on is up to you but sooner or later you are going to have to cut those apron strings. For the record, your mother is being irrational, controlling, and doing her best to stunt your development into an adult. Controlling, overly strict parents make it difficult to function on your own because they want you to always do what they want. Definitely do seek counseling from your school’s guidance office but don’t expect them to mediate anything for you. That’s your job as a young adult.

    #740832 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    By the way your gut is right here—your parents should not have a say in your dating life. If you were engaging in high risk behavior that would be one thing but nothing you’re describing rises to the level of interference being remotely ok. You know her reaction is abnormal.

    #740840 Reply
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    JD

    The crappy thing about your age is that you are an adult who can/should make your own decisions but likely you still rely on your parents for financial support. Due to that, it is likely easier to just blow off her comments (easier said than done). “Oh mom I have been so busy with my studies I can barely manage anything else”. Yes it is lying but it is not lying to hurt someone, it is lying to avoid her insane behavior. I would just say nothing ever regarding it. It is really not her business and there’s a good chance the relationship doesn’t last forever. Just due to your age, it happens, but probably not. She has some serious issues. You might ask her explicitly what her issue is with this guy. Calmly, “mom, what is your concern? Why do you feel so strongly about this”? Unless she has a dang good reason ignore it.

    My guess is she is dealing with the thought that you are growing up, becoming a sexual being of your own and that is a problem for her. It shouldn’t be but plenty of parents do go through it. I recall my HS boyfriends mom screaming at us for hugging one time. WTF! She was bonkers FYI. Also, not that you would say this but to note for her, this guy or another you can have sex regardless so she is going to have to move past that real fast.

    A side note, your first year in college, heck college period, I do think it is healthier to foster a relationship with someone local. It is not the healthiest to spend those years pining over someone you can rarely see. That is your decision however and only you know what is right for you. Just don’t let it hold you back from experiencing college life. Once you are financially independent you can make whatever decisions you want!

    #740867 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Your mother is emotionally manipulative and abusive.

    Me too!

    It really sucks. Stop telling her about your life. Don’t give her ammo to cut you down with.

    If you are financially dependent on her, I’m sorry. Start getting your independence. You don’t have to answer to heel, or anyone, really.

    Counseling can help you remember how cruel she is being, and reinforce that it isn’t your fault. Good luck.

    #740871 Reply
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    TheHizzy
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