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Dear Wendy

Don’t know what to do

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  • #968348 Reply
    avatarLisa
    Guest

    Hi
    I was seeing a guy for 6 months, he would ring me every day and we was very close I then found out he was cheating on me. I contacted the other woman and since then we have met and she was disgusted by his behaviour too. In his texts to her he has said how sick he feels that he could hurt her so much and with me all I got was Sorry this has happened. I fell in love with this guy and it’s really hurt me. He recently contacted me asking for his stuff. I agreed to give him his stuff but on the condition he faces me and we can have a conversation about what happened as since he cheated I haven’t got any explanation or apology. He agreed. I gave him a day I would be free and he then said he can’t do that day and since then has messed me around with picking up his stuff. I sent him a message telling him to not mess me around and to collect his stuff and he didn’t even read it till the following day. I rang him and he said he would ring back and he didn’t. I feel again completely humiliated and like I’m being treated like dirt again. I’m not a confrontational person and I am trying to be the bigger person and remain calm and composed but I feel he has just used me and thrown me in the bin and doesn’t have no respect for me. What should I do if he contacts again or even if he doesn’t. This situation has made me incredibly unhappy and depressed

    #968349 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’m sorry this happened. On the positive side, you only wasted 6 months, not 6 years. I know that the endings of brief relationships can really hurt though.

    For now, STOP contacting him. You’re chasing him trying to get some kind of closure that doesn’t exist. You have your answer already. He cheated and didn’t feel the need to offer any explanation, just a brief apology. That really is all you need to know. It doesn’t matter why he did it. He probably doesn’t even know. Stop trying to get something from him that he can’t give, and stop trying to do him any kind of favor. Fuck his stuff. Put it in the bin and delete his number. Block him.

    #968350 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yes. This confrontation you demand sadly won’t really amount to anything. There is simply nothing he can say that will make you feel better. Mail him his stuff and be done with him.

    #968351 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I agree with Kate; stop wasting your time on this person.

    Sounds like you were the side piece and he’s remorseful to his girlfriend, not to you. He used you and he lied to you for months and months. So what makes you think that he’s going to tell you the truth now? And what truth would make you feel better? Nothing, there is nothing that he can say that will make you feel better about this situation.

    Put his stuff in a box and leave it by the garbage. You owe him nothing.

    #968353 Reply
    avatarLisa
    Guest

    I know you’re right and I know I’m being incredibly soft in this situation and I always have avoided drama and confrontation. I just feel like I have been duped. I just feel so angry and I feel like I want to scream and shout at him but I know that won’t do me no good. I feel like a complete fool and to have him do this to me again as cut me deep. I just feel like I want revenge but I know again that’s not the answer. He has been in contact with the other woman wishing her a happy birthday and hope she does well in her new job and I have literally got nothing even though I cared and loved him

    #968354 Reply
    avatarLisa
    Guest

    He also works 5 mins away from me and feel like going in there and throwing his stuff at him

    #968355 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    No no, don’t go to his work. I get that you’re angry, anyone would be, but anything you do besides losing his number and blocking him only hurts you. You’ll get nothing from him that will make you feel better. Take deep breaths. Be the bigger person. Throw his stuff away in a dumpster if you want, but don’t have any more contact with him.

    #968358 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Going to his work and causing a hige scene will only make YOU look crazy. The fantasy that his colleagues will all side with you (a random stranger!) and somehow be appalled and promptly call him out on this is the sheer fantasy stuff of bad tv movies. Trust me, I work on them —- so I should know. Again… Publicly raging at him at his place of employment will ONLY make YOU look really bad. It’ll make YOU look fucking nuts.

    #968359 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    Hi! I’m sorry this happened to you and that you are hurting.

    Maybe six or so years ago, I broke up with a cheating boyfriend. I mailed his stuff back because I didn’t know what to do. You don’t owe him that at this point; you’ve put in the effort to try to get it back to him, he seems disinterested. You can absolutely toss it. You can even ignore him at this point if he does reach out. But if you absolutely have to get it back to him, throw it in the mail. You don’t even need to contact him to let him know you’ve done this, which is how I did it. My situation was different and if I were you, I wouldn’t bother at this point.

    A conversation wit him won’t help you find closure, trust me. I did get a “closure conversation” with my cheating ex, and he spewed a bunch of excuse-y, gaslight-y bullshit my way. It didn’t make me feel better, it didn’t help me move on.

    I also understand the feeling of being angry or wanting revenge, but don’t do it. When you come out the other side — which you will! — you’ll be embarrassed you stooped that low.

    I don’t know how you know he’s still in contact with the other woman or what well wishes he’s sending her, but it’s not your business. He’s her problem now while you’re free to meet someone who is honest and cares about you. And trust me, I understand the emotions you may be feeling right now, my ex married woman he was cheating on me with. The best thing you can do for yourself is not pay any attention to them. Block him everywhere. Block her if you need to. They don’t exist to you anymore.

    #968360 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Throwing the stuff in the garbage is both petty and tacky. I mildly am surprised some have suggested this. Aim higher. Be the bigger person.

    #968361 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    She made a good faith effort to give them back and he blew her off, so yeah.

    Or you could donate them if they’re useful items.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #968363 Reply
    avatarPDX816
    Guest

    Lisa – He will never give you an answer that makes you feel OK. He isn’t really sorry, he isn’t going to give you the conversation you want because there is nothing in it for him.
    I understand you are hurting and trust me, most of us have been there. But you need to work on letting it go. Please DO NOT go to his work, that is crazy girl behavior and you should do better.
    I am sorry you are hurting.

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