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Don’t want to burden him

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  • This topic has 26 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 2 days ago by avatarСтремись не к тому, чтобы добиться успеха, а к тому, чтобы твоя жизнь имела смысл.
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  • #964000 Reply

    Hey guys,

    Imagine you found a perfect, compatible match. You know what? Screw that. The match. You have found it. The Match.
    Would you contact him/her again if it was you who cut the contact, for a solid reason, in the first place?

    Because I want to, oh boy do I want to, but the rational part of my brain says “Nu-uh, bad decision, stay away.” It’s eating me alive and do you know what else? I just resigned from my job on top of that. And yet, here I am, begging myself to type him up again.

    Maybe, I’ll get to my senses once I get this off my chest. Because not only did I resign from my job but it kind of went in hand with the friendship I had with my dearest girl-friend. I’m such a mess. Stupid 2020.

    It began with badoo.

    I expected to meet someone nice, hoped to; really, yet at the same time didn’t want to jinx it because come one, it’s online dating. Finding someone you click with is like looking for the needle in a different haystack.

    I saw … let’s call him Guy – doesn’t make sense since I used my real name as a nickname anyway but, whatever – marked german, english, polish, spanish and french as spoken languages and guess who speaks german, too? I wrote such a – in retrospect – lousy intro, I’m amazed we hit it off at all. I kind of criticized one of his pictures – because he seemed so nice and even charming on the rest and then there’s that gangsta pic. So, I commented offhandedly in german why he’s ruining his profile with it when he looks so great and yes, as I’m writing this I realize how stupid that was.

    We started talking on a saturday and spontaneously met on the following monday. It was a car date due to corona and holy crap, it was amazing. I didn’t want to leave at all, he spoke about freezing the moment and even though we went first base he gave me a forehead kiss as a goodbye – I was surprised as heck. We laughed all the time, listened to his music and he had problems focusing on the road ahead – his hand actively sought out my thigh. At one point he took my arm, wove it through his and intertwined our fingers and drove on like that. One-handed. Damn it, I feel tears prickling my eyes now.

    After that date we exchanged messages constantly – our mom’s birthdays are on the same day – which was one day after our date, we’ve both once been fat and are also both religious. We’ve also apparently had difficulties in our childhood – that last one I’m not sure about.

    We met again in the same week and the second date was just as good. At its end however, I immediately knew that it would be it. The end. Literally. Why?

    Well, several reasons. Most important one being: he lives in Germany whereas I in Poland.
    And for a normal person that would be no problem but I’m not normal. I’m anxiety ridden, I’ve had agoraphobia and didn’t leave my home for 6 years. I started living when I was 23 years old. Everything before was surviving with the occasional happy moment thanks to my amazing family. So, I can leave around max 120km from my place which brings me to a total of 2 major towns and my hometown – the irony in that is, I picked max 20 km from my place and guess whose family lives in that proximity? Yep. Guy’s. His grandparents, cousins and uncles. So, I knew it would be a short-lived connection.

    Holy crap did I cry after that date, of course only once entering my room, I’m a pro at hiding panic attacks and emotions. Why did I cry? Because I’ve never felt so good in another man’s proximity. Never. I’ve not had one anxious moment in that car. Do you know what he did when I first sat in it? He gave me pepper spray, because I jokingly mentioned he could be a serial killer for all I knew – and it was actual pepper spray. No one ever did such a thing for me.
    I, apparently also did something for him. He had a worse for wear day when we met for the second time and wanted to chill on the couch and watch a movie – my place couldn’t do due to reasons and I didn’t want to go to his. We met at the same place, he gave me that damn pepper spray bottle again, showed me his adidas t-shirt because I’m a fan of that brand and then I told him with a smile on my face that I had plans for the date.
    I booked a room in a hotel to watch a movie together and brought my laptop with me. I paid for the room, had the key in my pocket and wanted to surprise him. We didn’t go – oh and I should mention I would not have had sex with him, also come back to that in a moment. Turned out his father died this year and he didn’t want to leave his mother for longer than 2 hours that evening, I don’t know why.
    I felt like a doofus for putting so much thought into it – didn’t knew yet the titbit about his dad, and he looked at me like he couldn’t believe what I’ve done and told me ‘No one has ever done such a thing for me.’ which is just sad if true. Then it turned out he didn’t save my number in his phone, found out by accident while searching for my phone and felt three times the doofus than before. That first date, those conversations and he didn’t save my number?! I felt stupid.
    I requested to be driven back home and he somehow talked me into agreeing to stay. As it turns out – he does not save phone numbers. And it’s true. He later admitted to having just been driving around the parking lot, he really didn’t want me to go apparently. I didn’t want to go either.
    So, we stayed for two hours together, kissed, went second base at some point and he again kissed my forehead as a goodbye. I barely managed to hold my tears at that point, I’m just emotional like that. Don’t ever show me hurting animals. Bah.

    I wrote my goodbye’s to him and… he didn’t even write a ‘thanks and tschus’. I should not have commented on that as it created 1,5 weeks of daily contact. Of course he was already in Germany by that point.

    We talked more and from the start his really filthy mouth – didn’t mention it before, did I – did make me laugh and swoon at times. Which was weird. He’s very sexually expressive with words and sounds more sure of himself online, I think. Well, it’s not a huge difference from real-him, though. He called me drunkenly on a sunday and planned our first time in detail. The following day he didn’t even write – he thought I banned him because my profile picture was apparently gone. And you know what? We went online at the same time on several occasions,. Which freaked me out a bit a couple of times.

    Anyway, having written that, I still chose to delete his contact details and he made it very hard for me but accepted it grudgingly. As for my reasons; a) he’s in another country entirely and I cannot go there. I don’t want him to be held back by me, he likes traveling a lot – I can’t even ride a train. b) he doesn’t want a relationship.

    He didn’t say outrightly so, but I told him – dude, I won’t sleep with you outside of a boyfriend-griflriend picture, I was raised like that and it feels right to be first in a relationship and then sleep with each other. I don’t wanna budge on that.
    He did drunkenly, that one time tell me we could be together but it doesn’t count. And it brings me back to point a) anyway.

    And c) long-distance relationship. He’d eventually find a better suited woman for him while being in his part of the world and where will it leave me? In Santa Heartbroken’y. That’s where. I don’t wanna get hurt. I wanted someone from the same city as, for a normal dating experience and this mess happened.

    Exactly… it already happened. I already wrote my goodbye’s, deleted his contact details. I can’t undo it but I want to contact him so badly, get to know him. He’s brilliant, he gets my sense of humour. He’s perfect. And I restored his number but don’t want to hurt him or mess him up with my issues. It’s also unfair to contact him yet again when I already made a clear break, it will confuse him, too. What would you do?

    #964001 Reply

    I did not read every detail. What l got a sense of, is you are not ready/ in any shape emotionaly to date, especially with a long-distance compkication.
    But the main thing is that ” he does not want a relationship”. I would forget it/ him and work on your life for now. Good luck.

    #964002 Reply

    I do feel the need for male companionship, though: an evening walk, a movie night, a simple smile or a silly joke. Touches and eventually sex. That connection I felt with him – he said he felt it as well, its like we saw each other 20 and not 2 times. His words and I think the same. It is a huge waste in my eyes, letting it just go.

    If it would come to a relationship with someone from the same town as me, Id manage, Im confident in that, and if it would get serious, Id try hard to accomodate to his needs for trips. I did go on a trip with my sister, its just a matter of planning and the right mind-set.

    I do know I have to work on my anxieties and I do plan to return to therapy. Until now, I felt satisfied. I have a job, uni, a place to live and plans for my career. Why do I need the skill to travel? What for? With whom? I had no incentive until now. Until I tasted what a connection with someone might feel like, that is.

    I still don’t want to make the wroga choice and risk upsetting him further.

    Now, I feel, if I’d have been honestly asked to start something with him, just give this pull a try, I would have done my best to make him happy and worked on my travel issues.

    #964003 Reply

    Ok, you may “feel” that you saw him more. But the reality is you saw this guy twice. In that time he tried to get handsy with you, was talking in sexually explicit terms (without that being invited or reciprocated it sounds like), he was really clear he’s only looking for hookups, and he lives far enough away that even a hookup relationship wouldn’t work for you. And… this is prince charming? You wrote like 50 paragraphs about this guy that I had to skim. You… rented a hotel room for a second date, and then he made some excuse up to leave when he realized you wouldn’t be having sex with him in it. That’s better than some alternatives, I guess, but Jesus.

    I agree with Peggy. You aren’t in any shape mentally or emotionally to be dating. I know you *want* to, but you basically made a kind of gross guy the center of your universe after a few dates and texts, made some really concerning decisions, and are still obsessing after he quickly moved on when you told him it wouldn’t work – after one more attempt to get in your pants. Get back into therapy, continue to work on your severe anxiety, and get into a better place before trying to date again.

    #964005 Reply

    This feeling you’re experiencing seems like it’s leading you to some sort of transcendent truth about the person you could be and the life you could live, full of passion and love and connection. Please recognize that feeling as your own: it’s not about this guy.

    The details you shared are no more or less special than what most people experience early in dating. We’ve all had that magical date where the boy makes us feel seen and known; where we talk for hours and it’s weirdly comfortable. It feels great — truly an experience to treasure. It doesn’t mean he’s a match. In that regard, you have to learn to enjoy that feeling while distrusting it. Your instinct to pull away was the correct one here.

    I’m guessing your strong response to this guy comes from a desire to inhabit a new, bolder life. I hope you use this feeling to take some steps toward your authentic self. I promise you’ll have more awesome dates and more cute gestures from cute boys. Eventually, you’ll learn to enjoy that initial thrill of connection for what it is, and keep your heart protected until you find a worthy match with whom to share your life. You’ve got this!

    #964007 Reply

    I’m sad to add to the chorus of people telling you that this guy- he is not it. He’s not The One. You saw him twice and he was explicit and left after two hours. That’s not romantic.

    I apologize for being so direct and somewhat rude but you seem so starved for human/male connection that you are taking what he has said to you and hold that close to your heart and believe it has deeper meaning than it does. Talk is cheap. It’s really easy to say the right things on a first meeting and a second date. There are literally books written about what to say to charm women. A forehead kiss is not some holy form of affection. It’s an easy way for a guy to attempt to seem classy or something. Which you know he isn’t by the way he’s acted towards you.

    I also want to address the seriously UNSAFE ways you’ve met this guy. #1- his car. It’s great and so chivalrous that he gave you pepper spray- but that can could’ve been empty for all you know. That’s foolish and reckless to meet a man you don’t know, from a different country in his car. Seriously, don’t do that again. The second time you rented a hotel room. Another very serious lapse of judgement. You need to do some reflection, make some friends and start being smarter about men. The way you’ve been so naive about your own safety is really worrisome to me. Please, focus on therapy, making real life friends and hold off on the men for awhile.

    #964008 Reply
    Guest @MaltaKano

    Thank you very much, those words are exactly what I needed to hear. Another person’s sincere view on this matter and a bit of embarrassment over my weird behavior cured me of wanting to re-connect.

    Those 50+/- written paragraphs are indeed too much, well, I write a lot and went overboard with my own ‘story’ apparently. It did feel good to get it off my chest, though.

    I’ll get back my therapy sessions again. I do need them back.

    To everyone who reads this: good luck with your problems, too!

    #964009 Reply


    You’re right. I am starved for male attention, I’m realizing it now. I tested the pepper spray can, though. In fact, I had my own in my coat pocket. And sent my gps location to my girl-friend + his plate numbers before entering the car.

    He really played me well, thank you for your comment!

    #964012 Reply

    I say this with love — don’t ever, ever go to a hotel room with a guy you just met. Booking that hotel room was dangerous. You say you weren’t going to have sex with him in the hotel, but once you’re in that room alone, you don’t really have a say about what’s going to happen. A stranger could easily overpower you.

    Handing you pepper spray seemed super creepy to me, not romantic at all. It would scare the beejesus out of me if a guy did that. The appropriate thing is to meet in public until you get to know the other person — not to be in a situation where you may need pepper spray.

    Do not contact this person. He’s not your perfect match. Get back into therapy.

    #964016 Reply

    I can’t read all this right now, but everyone’s advice sounds solid. And a guy who does something like hand you pepper spray – watch out. That’s VERY creepy and a red flag. It reminds me of a guy I dated when I was 19, who wanted to be a policeman (but worked at the same mall I did), and had a gun. When I broke up with him, he told me this bizarre story about how he got a restraining order against himself with the police department, just in case anything happened to me. Yeah. My dad (very calm guy) was so alarmed, he started dropping me off and picking me up for my shifts and walking me out.

    No normal, stable, safe guy would EVER do something like that. And furthermore, how the fuck would you know what’s in that can, if it’s not *your* pepper spray? Critical thinking, please, you can do it.

    #964018 Reply

    You honestly sprayed pepper spray in his car to test it? That seems a little unlikely to me. Pepper spray is not going to do much to save you in an unsafe situation. Many times women are overpowered and end up being the ones sprayed. Just keep that in mind. If you had actually tried to spray him in his car, you also could have easily gotten it in your own eyes. Making smarter decisions -like meeting in a public place- is much better than bringing a literal weapon on a date. If you feel the need to arm yourself before a date, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the type and provenance of the men you’re trying to meet.

    Regardless, he didn’t have that in his car for your safety. He’s done nothing above or beyond trying to get into your pants. When you told your friend you were meeting a dude you just met from Germany, in his car/then a hotel room, did she try to talk you down? Because if she didn’t, you need a better friend.

    #964019 Reply

    To be crystal clear, the only reason a guy would make a gesture like that is to get you to let your guard down. That’s it. He wants to increase the likelihood that you’ll feel safe enough to have sex with him. Women always say, “well, I’ve been clear so he knows I’m not going to have sex with him unless we’re in a relationship.” That is nonsense. He absolutely thinks he has a shot, and all it takes is lulling you into a sense of safety and a sense of a super intense connection. Because, be real, that happens all the time.

    That whole thing about not leaving his mom alone, too – please. He’s lying. It’s some combination of creating a sense of urgency and not having to commit to spend the night with you.

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