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Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates

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  • #687694 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Dear Advice Givers,

    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for now 2 and a half years. We were 21 and 24 when we met and are now 24 and 26 (almost 27). When we met, we were long distance for the first 5 months of our relationship, but we didn’t like it and quickly found a way to end the distance. We decided I’d move where he was until he could move where I am. I respected my part of the deal. Now the time has come for him to move, but he’s not sure anymore.

    I’ll give the three places I’ll be referring to letters as to avoid confusion. When we met, I lived in city A (great city, my hometown), he had to move to city B for his PhD (great city) and he lived in city C (small city/ town very far away from everything, his hometown). Distances: 8 hour drive between A and C and B is about halfway in between.

    So, we met on the internet and it clicked so much that we wanted to meet in person. We did. We started an LDR, I flew to see him 4 days a months for the first 5 months in city C until he asked me to go to his town (still city C) for the summer where I lived with him and his parents and got a job there. Two months into the summer he came up with this plan to end the distance and asked me if I wanted to do it. At first, I was like no that’s crazy, I need to be in school and you too, but I ended up agreeing because it sounded so great. He was starting his PhD in September in city B and needed to be there the first year and a half, so I’d move there for that amount of time, stopping my bachelor degree to find a job temporarily and then he’d move with me to city A until I finished school (all in all about three years). I couldn’t make it work with school, so I stayed in city A another semester after that summer while he started school in city B. We saw each other every 10 days during that semester. Finally, I did move to city B for what I thought would be a year, but the rules of his department at school changed and he needed to be there another six months, for a total of be being there 1 year and a half and him being in city B two years instead of the 1 year and a half.

    Now is the time for him to move to city A with me, but he’s hesitating for lots of reasons:

    Finances: His bursary package includes 15k, but only if he stays in city B and works as a TA. He only gets 8k if he doesn’t do that. I’m not saying that he is losing 7k to come to me, because he would never stay in city B to write his thesis anyway (three years), he would just move back to his parents and pocket the 8k because they would pay for everything. His parents have agreed to give him 7k if he wants to move to city B with me because that’s the amount they would spend on him if he was at home. If he moves, he’s spending 15k for rent and food. Attention now, if he’s spending so much it’s because he has enormously high standards of living. We could live in a place where it would cost 600 all included each, but he wants a wonderful place that will cost him more like 1200 a month. He doesn’t want to budge on that. So, he’s saying “it’s a lot of money I could keep for the future, it’s a lot to think about” to which I respond “you knew how much it would cost all along and you still asked me to do all of this with you” and to which he then answers “yes, but I didn’t realize how much it all was until now”.

    Parents and hometown: He LOVES his hometown. I honestly hate it. There’s noting to do there, it’s far, it’s colder than where I am and it’s ugly (it ressembles the moon, and I come from a nice city with beautiful grass and trees everywhere). He ADORES being there, he’s enormously happy there. He also has an very close relationship with his parents and misses them a lot when he’s away from them. I didn’t know about the deepness of these feelings when he came up with “the plan”. When he came up with it, he was all like “it’ll be so fun living together and then moving to your city, it’s such an amazing city, etc”. I never saw this attachement to his hometown and parents coming. It all became clear much later. So, now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he can be away from his parents and his town because he’ll miss them too much, that’s he feels so grounded and happy there.

    Uncertainty about our relationship and lease: what if we break up soon, he’s stuck with a signed lease and is on the hook for thousands of dollars? He’s saying let’s find a place for three months, but I find that’s not enough time to really give it a shot and also not only there’s very little places that you can rent for that amount of time, but I kill myself to find one and he doesn’t like any of them or the ones he likes are way too expensive.

    More uncertainty: He’s saying even if he gets over his apprehensions and signs a 6 month lease, what if last minute he can’t do it and decides not to? He’s worried that could happen and he’d break my heart, but he doesn’t want to break my heart.

    I feel like we’re running in circles. What’s keeping us together is our enormous love for each other, but it feels like we have nothing else right now. Right now he’s in city A with me (got here yesterday because it was my birthday), but we don’t know what we’re doing or where we’re going next and are at my grandparents for a few days.

    I don’t want to go back to long-distance because that means I’d have to get my own place and it wouldn’t be good enough for him so he’d want to rent like an AirBnb when he comes visit, plus airfare and that’s all very expensive and complicated too, plus the fact that we’d spend a lot of time apart after having lived together for a year and a half.

    I spend my time crying because I feel like we’re over already, but neither of us wants to break up either because we’re best friends and want to be together.

    #687696 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, this is soooo long, I skimmed it, but has this guy ever done anything for you? It sounds like a lot of give give give on your part right from the beginning, you doing all the visiting, you moving to end the distance, and now he’s not willing to work with you at all. You also have totally different preferences for where and how you’d like to live.

    Honestly, all I had to read was, he’d stay in an Air BnB because your apartment wouldn’t be good enough for him, and just, no. So no, I don’t see this working.

    ETA I read the whole thing, and you should read it over again, because it’s really clear he does not want to move to your city with you. He wants to want to, maybe, but he’s 100% not into it. You’re doing all the work to make it happen, and he’s saying what if we break up, what if i decide at the last minute not to move? Because he knows he’s not gonna do it. He sees the breakup coming and probably would rather you do it.

    #687698 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Your “enormous love for each other” doesn’t mean that you’re compatible. It is reasonable for him to want to live close to his family and in his hometown and its reasonable for you to find it gross. It’s reasonable for him to want to spend more elaborately and reasonable (and better) for you to be frugal. But you’re not remotely compatible. Leave him to find someone he’s compatible with and go do the same.

    #687700 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    also, you’re 24 not 14. Both of you tone down your level of drama.

    “He’s saying even if he gets over his apprehensions and signs a 6 month lease, what if last minute he can’t do it and decides not to? He’s worried that could happen and he’d break my heart, but he doesn’t want to break my heart.”

    #687702 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Can you reply to people directly ?

    Kate:

    I think you’re right.

    I think it’d be more simple if we just had a clean break now, but then a little voice goes off in my head that says “what if he’s just really, really scared and it could work out, he’s it and I didn’t see it through?”. I think that because he has an extremely anxious personality that comes from this condition called non-verbal learning disability disorder (although he would never admit it, he never wants to talk about his diagnosis).

    It’s just so f*ck*ng hard because when we’re together it flows: we talk, we laugh, we kiss, we have amazing sex, we just have an amazing time all around and being in each other’s arms feels so good.

    #687704 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    …a little voice goes off in my head that says “what if he’s just really, really scared and it could work out, he’s it and I didn’t see it through?”…

    Even if that were true, what can you do about it except say, look, we had an agreement. It seems pretty clear at this point that you’re not going to move back with me, because you’re fighting it every step of the way. I get it, you want to live with your parents. Ok. I’m not up for long distance again, though, so I’ll be moving back to my city and we will be breaking up.

    But you know this isn’t how a guy acts when he is invested in the future of the relationship and wants to be with you.

    #687705 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Did you ever finish you degree? That’s gotta be your priority, then internships and jobs. You can’t keep putting the life you want to have on hold because he’s not interested in it.

    #687706 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Fyodor:

    I said I found it gross, not because it was relevant to the situation right now, but more in the future. Right now, I can’t move to his town because I don’t have a driver’s license, I don’t have a car, living in his town costs more than living in mine, the bus system there sucks, they don’t offer my program at the university they have there, and, most importantly, it costs twice as much to study in his province (Canadian here). So, if I moved there, it would cost me more, I would have to chose another program and I would either be completely dependant on him driving me places or I’d have to take the shit bus all the time (until I get my license that is, but that’s like a year here).

    We as individuals work together well, but the rest doesn’t. It’s just, how do you let that go? That great guy with a great heart that you work so well with?

    I’ve said “I’m breaking up” in desperation at a moment when I saw no other solution, but neither of us really took it seriously.

    We should break-up, but we love each other, so what? We break-up, cry a lot and then talk every day because our feelings haven’t changed we just don’t work?

    I’m really sad, but I’m also extremely pissed. If I had known of his aversion to move, I would have never gotten so committed and so attached.

    #687707 Reply
    Essie
    Participant

    I’m sorry, but he wants to be in his hometown, with his parents, more than he wants to be with you.

    That’s what this boils down to.

    If he wanted you more, he’d move. It’s really that simple.

    Being in love with each other doesn’t have anything to do with relationship compatibility. Yes, you need love to have a successful relationship, but it’s not the only thing you need. You guys may be madly in love, but you’re not the right people for each other. Just pull the bandaid off and end it, so you can both find the right person.

    #687708 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Kate:

    “But you know this isn’t how a guy acts when he is invested in the future of the relationship and wants to be with you.”

    It’s not? I don’t know. This is my first long-term relationship. I only had another boyfriend before for one month and I don’t remember his last name or why I ended it.

    “Did you ever finish your degree?”

    No, I’m enrolled to start in August again. I’m not super passionate about it, but there’s a lot of jobs in that field and it’s a degree to fall back onto so I don’t end up like my Mom who struggles with only an high school diploma.

    #687709 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Essie:

    Ugh. I know.

    “If he wanted you more, he’d move. It’s really that simple.”

    That just hurts SO much, because I did it and now he’s not willing to keep his promise. I can’t describe how much it hurts.

    I’m afraid to end it and then pathetically hope that he realizes he wants to be with me and comes back running.

    #687710 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, it’s not. A guy who is excited about taking the next step with you will act like it. He will be planning and helping and working with you, not dragging his feet and saying what if we break up in 2 months.

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