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Dear Wendy

Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates

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  • #688189 Reply
    CCL
    Guest

    It’s tough when there are emotions involved. We have no emotional connection to your bf so it is easy for us to comment objectively and without bias. Everyone here has great advice, I am not going to add it it, I agree with it all. My only comment is…Sudbury..ugh. Girl, no. I live in cottage country 1.5hr from Toronto and I’ve been to Sudbury once and it smells weird and I couldn’t imagine living there if you don’t have to. It is so far away from everything too.

    #688191 Reply
    Ashley
    Guest

    Just by your tone….it doesn’t sound like you or him are ready to make any sacrifices. Could it be that by moving in with him, and taking off from school, you were really putting off becoming a responsible adult? It SOUNDS like you are dealing with adult problems, but what struck me was your apathy towards school and the degree your getting. You are pouring so much energy into this guy…moving to his town…worrying about his finances, that you haven’t taken the time to think about your needs or what you want to make out of your life or your needs. Sit down and think about what you want. Is school it? Do you want to work for a few years and figure out what you want to do? Basically, take the time to grow and become a real adult, who knows what they want and is ready and open for a partner.

    #688202 Reply
    Ale
    Member

    Well, a couple of months ago I had a conversation with my ex boyfriend regarding moving in together and marriage. One of his excuses for NOT doing that was that I didn’t like his music and he liked to play it loud and I didn’t like that. So that was one of the reasons why we were never going to make it living together. A couple weeks later he broke up with me.
    My point is… If you love someone and you want to spend ther rest of your life with them and you even decided on that earlier, this kind of silly excuses wouldn’t be coming up. He’s just making excuses and talking nonsense with “needing time” and all of that crap. He’s had enough time. He just doesn’t want to do all of this with you. He doesn’t want to move with you.
    Meanwhile, you are putting your LIFE on hold for him and for what? So he can call you unhealthy and fat? After all you’ve waited for him?
    Oh no, dear no. Your life should be more important for you right now. You are a servant to this guy. You serve his wishes and needs. And you? Where’s your self esteem? Are you living for YOURSELF or for someone else?

    #688205 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    “But I see you falling into the trap of, oh, he has a disability, wouldn’t I be a bad person if I left him, this isn’t his fault, underneath the disability he’s a wonderful guy, etc.”

    Honestly, yes, I do feel this way. I feel like I fell in love with him without knowing all of this (although I did fin it odd that we could only talk Thursday and Sunday nights at 12:30 at first (we met on a chat), I just thought he had a very busy life) and as the personality traits became clear, I found them hard to deal with but then there was all he sex, cuddles and nights of fun and laughs to sweeten it all up.

    “You’re part of his routine and security blanket, *as long as you stick around on his terms”

    Part of me thinks this too, but now he’s saying “Okay look not a year-lease, but maybe I can do 10 months, we do this rent-by-the-month place until August or September and then we sign those 8 months lease for students that some landlords do?” I was happy when he said that, but he’s been bouncing around so much with his fears, that most of me doesn’t trust it. I’ve told him I would make a change about my health, not by being crazy about losing weight, but by just exercising more because it’s good for me (I already eat a healthy diet) and the weight loss would eventually ensue. I told him that he could go see his parents often, and that the rest of his worries about compatibility are absolutely normal to have but that it’s why you have to keep working at your relationship and develop interests together. I’ve told him all this and then he feels better for a while, but then sometime later he gets distant and reluctant again and says “but I’m just so worried, what if nothing changes, what if we don’t work out?” to which I always answer “if you keep us in this state, not knowing where we stand, not letting us be worry free and back to normal, we obviously will never work out because you’re tearing us apart right now and you’re toying with me”.

    “You will also come to think of him as a selfish person”

    I already think of him as selfish. On numerous occasions, he asks me to do something for him and in the moment I really don’t wish to do it, but I do because I know he needs it and then hours or days later something similar comes up for me and he says no. “But it was different” “You weren’t tired, I think you can handle being tired better than me”.

    “If you leave him, you’re not missing out on “the one.” There’s never just one, and in any case you deserve someone who loves you.”

    For the longest time, I thought he was the one when we spoke or our future children’s names and our future life in the US.

    ” nor would it change the fact that he holds you in such low regard that he’d ask you to give up YOUR EDUCATION and your youth so that he never has to make the smallest compromise”

    This is one thing I forgot to address earlier. When I point out that I put my whole life inhaled for him and most importantly my education he says “yes, but at the same time you didn’t like your degree and weren’t sure you wanted to continue and you were so sad missing me that at the time you preferred doing that”. And you know, those are true in some way, but if I hadn’t known him at all I would have stayed and continued it or switched to something else, whatever it may be, or stopped to work a bit, but it would have been for me entirely, not for him and he doesn’t see that I think. Either that or he’s being defensive around it.

    “And again, I’ll point out that he was able to overcome his condition when it was for something that’s important to him. He left his parents and went to a whole new city. He CAN do it. He just doesn’t want to.”

    He hated every second of being in Toronto and went to his parents every chance he got.

    #688206 Reply
    Ale
    Member

    He doesn’t want to. You are forcing this. Relationships shouldn’t be forced.

    Like I said in a thread here months ago. Relationships are like farts. If you have to force them, then they’re shit.

    Stop forcing this and giving him alternatives. This is over for him, he just doesn’t have the balls to admit it yet.

    #688210 Reply
    Ale
    Member

    “I told him that he could go see his parents often, and that the rest of his worries about compatibility are absolutely normal to have but that it’s why you have to keep working at your relationship and develop interests together.”

    That makes me so mad because it reminds me so much of my ex. It’s like you have to teach him how to behave in a relationship appropiately. You don’t have tot each anybody anything. This is like my ex, like with the music thing I kept saying to him that this could be solved with a conversation but he just kept saying no, we’re incompatible, and at the moment, I just couldn’t realise that he was just making excuses to end it, I felt like I had to teach him to talk and express his feeling so we could have a relationship.

    #688214 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    Can somebody tell me what LW and MOA means?

    “LW, you need to take back your power. You do have it, you know – the power to break up with him. The power to make the decision to leave and go back to school because YOU want to. ”

    I’m sitting here in bed reading your responses and I’m crying, because I know that for my sake and his too honestly, we’re better off apart, but every time I think of breaking up, I fall apart. I have many reasons for not wanting to break-up and I know some of them are bullshit reasons that don’t justify staying together.

    1. I have made him my whole life for the last two years. It’s been about loving him and putting him first and I’ve put my friends and family on hold.I don’t know who I am anymore without him. When I think of breaking up, I think that I’m losing my best friend because that’s what he’s become and I think that it feels like I’m losing both my legs at once. If feels like I wouldn’t know how to function without seeing him smile, holding him and talking to him because he’s always there to listen to me when I need him. I feel like I’ll feel empty.
    1. a) This had nothing to do with him. In fact, it was there before I met him, but I’ve always had enormous self-esteem issues because of my weight (I was at my skinniest when I met him) and that’s extended to thinking people don’t like me because and that turned into having a lot of difficulty trusting people and making friends. My Dad is always in my birth country and never around, I love my Mom but we fight a lot, my best friend answer me twice a week because she’s busy with her kids and husband and my other very close friend is moving in 6 months. I’ve always been fragile and thinking I was alone in my personal relationships and my boyfriend has been a best friend and a lifeline. I know this is a huge problem that I have to work on by myself and that nobody should be my lifeline. Like, I’m all around a nice girl and great friend, but I’m always afraid people won’t see that or mock me.
    1. b) This one stems from the self-esteem issues I just described. He says the weight bothers him, but he still fucks me. What if the next guy I date is disgusted when he sees me naked? I’m not that fat and I have an objectively beautiful face and some curves, but I’m far from having a perfect body and it really, really terrifies me. I had these fears before I met him too and despite sending my fair share of nudes to guys (never with the face of course), I was never that confident. I’ve read so many things on the internet about guys hating this and that about a girl’s body and heard so many horror stories from people.
    2. Being alone. I love being held and sleeping with him. It makes my brain feel good and I know it’s attachment hormones, but it’s hard to think of not having it.
    3. Sex. I love sex. He was my first and to some people it might seem shallow but it’s a thing I’ll miss immensely. I don’t want to have sex with random people and that means probably no sex for a long time. I can take care of myself for sure, but hey it’s not the same thing.
    4. Letting go of the dream of us. For the longest time we talked of marriage and kids, and now it has al come crashing down. I’ve wanted that life we talked of.
    5. Missing him. I love him. I’ll miss our talks, our laughs, watching shows, being happy together.

    Ha, I’m crying again.

    I’m really thankful for all the feedback I’ve received. It’s really helped me see things through the eyes of people who aren’t involved.

    If I read this sort of situation about someone else, I would tell the person to GTFO and give the exact same advice.

    #688217 Reply
    va-in-ny
    Participant

    He’s breaking up with you. Except, he doesn’t have the balls to actually do it, so he’s making you do it for him. He’s giving you excuses so that you’ll get tired of it and just leave. If anything, he’s going to bide his time until you actually HAVE to leave to start the semester.

    I didn’t want to touch on the weight thing, but I don’t think I can let it lie. You weren’t picking up on his clues and skipping town without him, so now he’s started digging at you personally so that you’ll have a stronger reaction.

    There’s a way to tell your partner “hey, I want you to prioritize your health because I love you.” and that was NOT the way. He’s a jerk and you deserve better.

    Go back to finish school. Leave him behind. I’m certain that you’ll find someone perfect for you at some point. Don’t continue to be a doormat for this guy.

    #688219 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    “Stop forcing this and giving him alternatives. This is over for him, he just doesn’t have the balls to admit it yet.”

    I had enough at some point last week before he arrived and at the time I felt it and said I’m breaking up with you but he didn’t really take it seriously and I didn’t really want it to end so it’s like I didn’t say it.

    #688220 Reply

    LW- Letter writer. Meaning the person who wrote the letter.
    MOA- Move on already!

    #688222 Reply
    Moneypenny
    Participant

    LW = Letter Writer
    MOA = Move On Already
    So… I’ve just caught up on this thread and I have to say, I really feel for you. And I can’t really add much that hasn’t been said already. But I will say that it’s clear to me that you’ve lost yourself in this guy. It happens, but really, for your own well-being you need to move on. Do what YOU need to do for yourself and not be bending over backwards for someone else. I’ve been there, so I get it. But what about you? What about what YOU need? And for goodness sake, go back to school! Your education will always be something to fall back on.

    And I understand the pain and missing him already. It feels awful to come to the realization that something you believed in for so long is just not meant to work out after all. But he is not the only guy out there who will want to kiss and hold you and have sex and think you’re the most beautiful thing on the earth. You WILL meet someone who feels that way- this guy is not the only one I promise!

    #688223 Reply
    sissisk8
    Member

    ” If anything, he’s going to bide his time until you actually HAVE to leave to start the semester.”

    I’m already in my hometown. I’ve moved back here and he’s here now looking for apartments for us but he doesn’t want to do a 12-month lease so we can’t find anything.

    “There’s a way to tell your partner “hey, I want you to prioritize your health because I love you.” and that was NOT the way. He’s a jerk and you deserve better.”

    To be fair to him, he did tell me a few times before, but it’s so strongly embedded in me that I’m worthless because of my weight that I couldn’t hear it. I’ve finally come to see it differently and to want to change for my health, but he’s not really hearing it.

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