December 1, 2019 at 4:22 pm #862258BronwynGuest
Happy holidays everyone.
I am due to give birth in 5 weeks. My husband and MIL are having trouble listening to me when it comes to who I would like in the birthing room with me.
If I had it my way it would be my mother and sister but I am willing to negotiate and have my husband instead of my mother in the room. The reason I wouldn’t ideally want my husband in the room is that he is a very anxious person and has been worse during the pregnancy.
My MIL says that she should be the ONLY one in the room. (I want to scream) I use to be close with my MIL but now we are on civil terms for the sake of my husband. We both hold animosity towards each other.
Even though it’s my pregnancy I feel left out as I had no input in anything, baby names, baby shower, choice of hospital etc. But I would like the people I feel most comfortable with in the room with me.
I live in a Muslim country where women do not have much input. But in this case my MIL has the majority.
I am usually a very private person so I do not post things on the internet but I feel so weird I cannot describe it. It’s my first child I want to feel like I’m making decisions for my baby and not feel like a bystander. I might explode one of these days everything I’ve suppressed.December 1, 2019 at 4:42 pm #862262EssieParticipant
It’s simply bizarre that your MIL thinks she has more right to be in the delivery room than your own mother, or your husband for that matter.
But, as we often say here, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. All of these things – names, who’s in the delivery room, etc – are your and your husband’s business. Nobody else’s. The two of you decide, together, what’s best for you and your child.
Once you’ve made those decisions, if your husband’s family gets out of line, he should be standing up for the decisions that you made together. And standing up for you. At this point, he should be telling his mother that there’s no way she’s going to be in the delivery room.
If he won’t stand up for you, and stand up to his mother, then she’ll be making all the decisions for you for the rest of your lives. You’ll get no say in anything. It’s his job to fix this. Tell him so.December 1, 2019 at 4:44 pm #862263EssieParticipant
Oh, and I don’t know if this is the case in your country, but in the US a mother can tell the hospital that they don’t want certain people in the delivery room, and the hospital will keep them out.December 1, 2019 at 5:47 pm #862269SkyblossomParticipant
If you have no say then you will need to go through your husband which means convince him of your needs. Would he understand how vulnerable you would feel giving birth in front of his mom? Does he understand that you don’t want to be naked with her watching a baby come from you?December 1, 2019 at 9:06 pm #862281Miss MJGuest
“My husband and MIL are having trouble listening to me when it comes to who I would like in the birthing room with me.“
Well, this is a bizarre way of spelling “My husband and MIL refuse to listen to me when it comes to who I would like in the birthing room with me.”
Look, this isn’t up for discussion. Your body, your vagina, your birth. Full stop. So just tell them and your doctors who is and isn’t allowed in and fuck the fallout. What – you think your pushy MIL will never speak to you again if she’s shut out? You should be so lucky. Trust. This is the first of many boundaries. Might as well start early.December 1, 2019 at 9:54 pm #862285FYIGuest
“But, as we often say here, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.”
Actually, it’s an LW problem. Why aren’t you advocating for yourself? Why are you rolling over on this? You’re gonna have to learn to be much more of a b!tch, now that you have a child on the way. Don’t wait for your husband to do it, since he clearly won’t. Here are the ABCs on setting boundaries:
1. Come up with a sentence that describes what is going to happen. Not an explanation, not a plea, a simple sentence: “Only husband and my mom will be in the delivery room.”
2. Repeat like a broken record every time she flips out. “I see, well, only husband and my mom will be in the delivery room.” Over and over and over. Do not explain. Do not argue. Just repeat.
3. Ignore her freak-outs. Literally stop listening to her yelling or crying or whatever.
4. 100% stick to your guns. Don’t cave. She’ll start running the rest of your life if you cave.December 2, 2019 at 6:03 am #862304allathianGuest
I’m sorry. Sounds like hell.December 2, 2019 at 9:27 am #862324ronGuest
“I live in a Muslim country where women do not have much input.”
She is not in America. “Your body, your vagina, your birth” doesn’t apply where she lives.
Hell, “Your body, your vagina” is disappearing in half of America.December 2, 2019 at 3:28 pm #862361SkyblossomParticipant
I wish people would read the full explanation of the situation before jumping in to give advice that completely overlooks the actual situation.
This woman lives in a country where she has no say. She doesn’t get to tell the hospital staff who is allowed and who isn’t. She doesn’t get to name her own child.
Her MIL gets to make the rules.
Her MIL probably had to put up with this herself and finally gets to be in charge and she isn’t letting go.December 2, 2019 at 5:01 pm #862368OracleGuest
In a Muslim country it’s the male who has the say. You need to talk to your husband. And there are rules on how he is suppose to act.December 2, 2019 at 6:35 pm #862371CurlyQueParticipant
Thank you! The people telling her to set boundaries and be a bitch are all talking from a place of privilege.
LW, i am very sorry that your pregnancy has felt like you’ve had no ownership. That truly sounds awful and Handmaid’s Tale like. It seems the only way around this is to get your husband on your side. You’ve already stated he’s not listening to you but i’m unsure why that is. Maybe if you set him down and explain in detail your needs as well as the fact that your his wife whose carrying his child and you need his support that’ll help? I wish you so much luck.