Embarrased and humiliated after sexual encounter
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I’m not really sure what advice I’m after. I suppose I really just want to vent. A couple of weeks ago I slept with a guy I know. We don’t know each other well but we have mutual friends. It’s not the first time we’ve hooked up. He’s significantly younger than me, so I’m really not surprised things have ended the way they have. About a year ago we’d both been drinking heavily and left a party together and slept together in a park. Not my finest moment. The sex wasn’t good. He was controlling (not in a good way way), rough, not well endowed, losing his erection and it was rushed. I did not enjoy it one bit. I just put it down to us both being really drunk. We kept in contact on the odd occasion talked about seeing other again. It never worked out though, until a couple of weeks ago we bumped into each at a bar. We’d both been drinking a lot again and this time we came back to my place and slept together again. It wasn’t quite as awful but it was still bad. We were really drunk, he was a bit rough again and clearly watches too much porn. I let him control the situation and take charge, even though I’d previously told him to let me take control if it were to happen again. I’m older than him and more experienced. But by the time we got back to my place and started it was nearly 4am. I was tired after a long week of work, he was/is too small, couldn’t seem to get very hard and I was starting to lose interest. We stopped and started a few times. Finally he finished and that was the end of it. We started to fall asleep so that was when he decided to leave, which was fine by me. He kissed me goodbye. I was completely put off by the experience so decided to myself I probably wouldn’t go there again, especially if alcohol was involved. I didn’t reach out to him in the coming days and he didn’t contact me. But then I was on one of my social media accounts and realised I had one less follower. I checked my list and realised he had removed me. I checked my other platforms and he’d removed me from them too. Not only that, he blocked me!!! I feel completely humiliated. I had no intention of sleeping with him again but I never expected to be cut off by him and blocked. It’s so childish. And I feel like I’m probably getting the blame for the bad sex, and who knows what he’s telling his buddies, some who I know. I wish this didn’t bother me, but it does. I feel so used and humiliated. I never wanted anything from him, so I guess I used him too in a way, but I’d never go to the extremes of blocking someone. I just don’t know what I did to deserve that. What’s he going to do if he sees me in public? Run in the opposite direction. A part of me hopes I get the opportunity to see him again so I can tell him how awful he was in the bedroom. So he’s not going around saying it’s me. I’m hoping getting this off my chest helps with that feeling.
Whoa, ok. Maybe he ran out of your house and blocked you because HE was embarrassed.
In any case, I think you have to reframe this as, it was a drunken sloppy hookup, it sucked, the guy is actually not a nice guy, not a fun guy, and actually him blocking you is a good thing because you he no intention of reaching out to him anyway and did not want to see him again.
If that doesn’t work, you should have a few sessions with a therapist to work through some things. We’ve all had drunken hookups with a guy 12 years younger than us that were a really bad idea in hindsight (I have, anyway), but I think for it to be so hurtful and humiliating maybe there’s more going on? Do you think that’s possible?
He might even be one of those woman hating creeps. Maybe he has to try to get with drunk older women because women his own age in their right minds aren’t interested. Maybe he’s even dangerous. Just stay away and be glad he’s blocked you.
I would take this as a blessing, he’s out of your hair. He was bad in bed, too rough, as well as the other issues. You can do better.
Instead of taking it badly and personally, just try to let it go. It’s a good thing.
Also, don’t tell him he was awful in bed. Unfortunately you do need to be conscious of what some men may do if they feel angered and humiliated by a woman. But that aside, you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you. And you don’t know that he’s talking about you, or that he blocked you because he thought the sex was bad. I could be wrong, but I feel like his blocking you is weird and is more the kind of thing ppl do when they’re hurt and upset.
Can you instead tell yourself that this was a mutually unsatisfying experience for both of you instead of taking it personally? It sounds like you were okay being done with him until you realized he’s on the same page. Sometimes in dating or with job hunting, I’d notice that even if I didn’t want to date the person or want the job, I’d feel rejected even if we were all actually on the same page. Maybe you feel rejected right now and that’s opening up some old wounds.
As for the blocking, IDK. I’ve blocked people over things I’m sure others would find stupid. As a freshman in college, I was hooking up with a guy and eventually wanted more. He did not. I was upset and felt embarrassed for being upset, so I blocked the guy. I once had a friend fade out our friendship and one day I noticed she’d unfollowed me on IG, so I blocked her. I’ve blocked some exes. I once noticed an ex blocked me on a platform neither of us followed one another on 2+ years out from our breakup. About a month ago, I blocked my sister on my phone/Apple products because she sometimes curses me out over text and I’m done with that. Needless to say, I’m a big fan of blocking and when I do so, it’s a reflection of my internal world and attempt to find inner peace and not much more.
Look the guy struggled to stay hard for the second consecutive time, I’m sure there are a lot more feelings of inadequacy on his part behind the blocking than anything to do with you. I also wouldn’t be surprised if this was a pre-emptive blocking in case you do decide to start telling people how bad in bed he is, he can use it to show how ‘crazy’ you are. Don’t play any games or worry about him, just go on living your best life and ignore it.
Thank you so much to everyone for your comments. I’ve found them really helpful. I definitely felt rejected, even though I wasn’t interested. I am a very sensitive person and suffer from low self esteem, so this is why I took it so personally. Now that the dust is settling I’m not feeling so bothered by it. I’m actually relieved I won’t see him or hear from him again. He’s not the ‘nice guy’ he pretended to be.
You need to work on taking things much less personally. That’s a huge roadblock in life, especially dating. It’s clear he was embarrassed and for you to call him not a nice guy seems like a lot. He was just trying to save face.
You didn’t even like him.
If your self esteem is really low, I would suggest getting that sorted out before you embark on dating.
