Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Emotional abuse

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  • #1110899 Reply

    I have recently broken up with by ex who decided he didn’t want to be with no more. Throughout my relationship I believed I suffered emotional abuse. It was always me putting in the effort and nothing I did was good enough. When we broke up I was devastated. It was like someone cut off my oxygen and I know this is because I’m trauma bonded to him. He blocked me and said it was easier for both of us. I then messaged him on email and asked him why he was being so hurtful and I ask to speak to him. He said we can meet up. I met with him and we ended up sleeping together after that he immediately told me it was a bad idea and that he wants to meet other people. It was awful and I left. Then when I go home he unblocked me and said he is sorry he has had to do this and he hopes I’m ok. He then got annoyed I didn’t respond to him. I then messaged him telling him I’m leaving and I will now move on with my life but when I did that he started to say to me he will never forgot the great times and the reason he he unblocked me is because he knows I like to talk to him. Then the next day he says to me why are you talking to me? I don’t love you no more. He has made my mind a complete mess and I know what I am doing by even speaking to him is wrong but I have this compulsive Desire to contact and when I do and he is horrible I break even more. I just don’t know how to end this torturous cycle. I feel like I’m a mess and mentally dependent on this monster but I can’t help but think about it and speak to him. How do I stop this?

    #1110901 Reply

    You exercise self control and block his number. Stop responding, stop reaching out to him. Move on, completely.

    You are not mentally dependent on him. You sound pretty lonely or isolated and maybe he’s the only person you’ve leaned on for too long. He’s not good to you or for you.

    #1110902 Reply

    I don’t disagree that the guy is toxic for you, but I also feel like you are projecting your own feelings of insecurity onto him. You are giving this man power over you. You need to stop it. Block him and go no contact, then go get into therapy.

    #1110903 Reply

    You’re right I am like I and I know what he is doing to me is wrong but it’s like he has a hold on my head. He goes from kind to spiteful in a matter of seconds. Told me he he sorry for what he has done and I don’t deserve it and then In next breath he tells me he seeing other women and sleeping around. It’s like I have to keep reaching out to justify myself and I don’t know why I keep doing it. I need to break out but will therapy help?

    #1110906 Reply

    Therapy will help significantly. I’ve never heard the phrase trauma bound but shit… if that’s what you’re trying to untangle, a therapist can help.

    No one likes to be the bad guy – so your ex is trying to make sure that you don’t hate him and still think he’s a good guy. He does this by doing the bare minimum of saying “are you ok” and then when you give him the greenlight he goes all the way with it, saying all the right things to get you into bed and then as soon as he’s got the post-nut clarity telling you it was a mistake – repeat ad nauseum.

    Send him a message saying that you don’t hate him, but you need space and if he cares for you the way he says he does, he’ll respect your needs and leave you alone until you’re ready to reach out, if ever. Then block him on everything. Take it day by day. Get busy. Distract yourself. You’ll be ok.

    #1110908 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    Yes, therapy can help. It IS hard to move on and lose that person you talked to everyday and wanted to tell everything to, but the longer you go without contact, the easier it gets. Whether it’s a trauma bond, an insecure attachment style, or self-esteem issues, IDK, but a therapist will be able to work with you to identify the “why.” They can help you move forward and develop coping strategies for when you really want to reach out. They can help you get to a healthier place so that you don’t end up in this situation again. There’s no shame in working with a professional to help you find the strength to stop these patterns.

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